Does the desire for more children ever really go away? I know many moms who were absolutely 100 percent DONE after a couple of kids. Why don’t I get that feeling? Were they just saying that or were they really absolutely 100 percent sure that they did not ever want to hold another baby of their own in their arms? Where does this desire come from?

My life has taken a serious turn in the past month. My 5 year old son has been diagnosed with epilepsy and my days have been consumed with dealing with all that means. His neurologist has prescribed a standard pharmaceutical but has given us the freedom to do our own research and decide for ourselves the best route to take in order to treat it with the least amount of side effects or long term effect worries since he knows that we would like to keep him off of a drug if at all possible. It may or may not be possible. We are carefully and prayerfully weighing the pros and cons of each treatment direction. First and foremost, we want the absolute best for him. So, needless to say, the baby thoughts have been overshadowed by this new development as my focus has been on taking care of my little guy, but they haven’t gone away. In fact, my husband is now saying that he really wants another one (or two!) again and that really changes things.

Interesting enough, too, a couple of weeks ago an acquaintance of mine called me out of the blue and said that I have been on her mind and she was sending me a book in the mail. I’ve waited and waited for a book to arrive and it finally did yesterday. It’s called Supernatural Childbirth. I’ve heard of it before and, honestly, my impression was that it was kooky. I had heard that it told you how to have a pain free childbirth if only you had enough faith. Well, it does, basically, state that but it is more than that and had a lot to say about miscarriage, infertility and preconception. I’m wrestling with some ideas in it right now after reading it. It is out of the realm of the way I normally think, but I can’t say that it is wrong. The book is about having faith and really believing that our pregnancies, births and babies will be perfect because it is what God promises in His Word. Christ’s death took away the curse of sickness and pain and if we have enough faith to believe that then all will go well with us. The author lists scripture “confessions” that are to be repeated over and over until they become embedded into our hearts and minds and the book has testimony after testimony of those who have experienced miraculous pregnancies and births after applying the principals.

I don’t know if the LORD led my friend to send me the book. Even if I did embrace all that it says, I honestly don’t know if I can muster up the kind of faith that it would take. The thought of getting pregnant again without the Estrobalance seems impossible and the thought of carrying the baby to term seems impossible and those thoughts are the absolute opposite of faith, but they are so real to me. So, since I don’t know what to think I have begun praying for God to build my faith. I am like the man who said to Jesus, “Lord, I believe. Help me with my unbelief.” I can totally relate to that.

I feel like I am on the edge of a battlefield right now and I just want to run away screaming, but the reward for victory is so amazing that I can’t run away…yet I can’t quite get on the battlefield, either. Do I battle or not? What if I’m just not strong enough? The agony of defeat is just still so real.

On this bald hill the new year hones its edge.
Faceless and pale as china
The round sky goes on minding its business.
Your absence is inconspicuous;
Nobody can tell what I lack.
(excerpt from Parliament Hill Fields by Sylvia Plath)

Not a big country music fan, but this got me.

Today was the day we were supposed to meet you and we are sad. Good-bye Luke…(that’s what your big brother wanted your name to be so that’s what we call you). You know that you are my Liam, though. That’s the real name you would have been given today. So let me say it right.

Good bye, dear Liam, my sweet baby who will never know anything but Heaven. I cling tightly to the hope of holding you in my arms some day. You are forever in my heart. Your mark is deep and will never be erased. I love you and miss you more than I can express.

God has made it clear to me…no more Estrobalance and I am relieved. I am SO very thankful for finding the cure for my infertility and I will continue to spread the good news to anyone that I come into contact with that could use the information, but my days with it are over and it’s finally crystal clear that I will no longer use it. Could there be more babies in the future? Sure. I still have open hands, but this is not the direction I will take any longer.

Again, it is incredible stuff and an answer to many prayers. So why I am I sure that I will no longer use it? Simple. I’ve developed an allergic reaction to it! Nothing could be clearer than that, huh?! I’m thankful that it is finally cut and dry for me and I can finally see where to go from here. Don’t worry if you are taking it. I have searched day after day hour after hour for any info on the internet about it causing adverse reactions and haven’t found a thing! As far as I can tell I am a completely isolated case and it has only developed over time. I had no problems with it the first time I took it and only mild problems with it the second time. The third time (which is recorded earlier in this blog) I had a hard time with it and then I’ve taken it for one day once last month and once this month and this last time I seriously thought I was dying! It the middle of vomiting, etc. at 2:00am I cried out to God and told Him that I would stop being stubborn if He would just stop me from being so severely sick. Within seconds I literally began to feel better. I crawled (yes…crawled) back to bed and I knew once and for all that that part of my life is done and I felt relief. Not relief that I may not have another baby, but relief that my mind could stop going back and forth over what I am supposed to do. Could it be more clear? I don’t think so.

My job now is to let others know about this new avenue of hope when they are lost and hurting from the pain of infertility. It’s not about me, anymore, it’s about sharing this with others. Isn’t it so cool how God not only gave me an answer for my problems but how He made it clear to me, not only when to use it, but when to stop using it. How awesome is that??? I don’t know how in the world I could live this life without His guidance. I really mean that. Sometimes, it seems that He is so silent or that He is just refusing to give me that guidance and then when it’s time, it all unfolds and His plan is revealed. Sometimes, it takes minutes, sometimes days, many times it takes months but often it takes years. He never fails to lead, though, as long as I continue to follow.

So, my plan now is to just trust. I am going to start on Arbonne’s progesterone cream this month after ovulation and if I don’t have any problems then I will continue to do that to try to regulate my hormones for other reasons other than fertility. Estrogen dominance causes way more problems than just infertility and I still want to get some control over it. The progesterone cream will also give me the added security that if I were to conceive again at some point I would have extra progesterone in my system and, hopefully, a better outcome. Interestingly enough, the LORD led me to an Arbonne representative months ago who was dealing with secondary infertility. It was just as I began this blog and she began following the plan on here and I’m so thrilled to announce that she is currently moving into her second trimester! Yea!! Now, she gets to help me by ordering my Arbonne cream, which from everything that I have read is an awesome product and I can’t wait to try it out.

It feels good to not be struggling with my next step. The only problem right now is dealing with my upcoming due date. Miscarried Baby #2 was due July 12 and as the date approaches the grief is coming back in waves. It hits me hard and unexpectedly, but I know that I will get through it. It’s just all part of the healing.

Upon further investigation of my heart, I am now wondering if I’m just dealing with fear. Yes, I am stubborn and, yes, it is still a real possibility that I am refusing to listen to “no”. Now, though, I am realizing that I am afraid to even think about taking the Estrobalance. Could the conclusion that I’m being stubborn just be a way of deferring what I should be doing? It sounds very noble, to accept that I’m wrong and humbly back off, but is that really what I am meant to do? Why do I have such thoughts to continue to pursue something that is so difficult? I am in a good place, now, with my 3 children and, in complete honesty, the thought of another baby coming into the house really scares me. Could I really handle 4 kids? How can I deal with the new challenges that it would represent. I feel like I finally have the handle on 3 children and I know pregnancy and a new baby will completely throw all of that off, at least for a while. I’m also not young anymore. Do I really want to be raising children well into my 50’s? Will I just get too tired to be the mom I want to be? Where would I put a new baby? Our house is small. Then the biggest fear…what if I miscarry AGAIN? This is where all the confusion comes. My head says that I honestly don’t want another pregnancy. Yet, I struggle constantly with thoughts of becoming pregnant and having another baby. My heart wants another one, even though my head does not! What do I do with that? Is that God putting it into my heart and my human nature resisting? Or is it that I’m such a stubborn person that I am determined to “win” against all of these obstacles that have kept me from another baby even though, in my head, I know that another one isn’t a good idea? So now I have to determine whether I am being stubborn or I’m living out of fear. I pray that the LORD makes it clear.

I suppose that I should apologize at this point to anyone who actually reads this blog! It is such a personal journal of an often confused woman. Many things in my life are very clear and cut and dry and I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who directs my paths. There are some areas in my life where He doesn’t always make things so obvious for me. This is one of those areas and always has been. I know why He does that and I’m grateful for it, although, many times that gratitude comes after much kicking and screaming. This is an area where He grows me and fine tunes me and teaches me to listen. If it was always so obvious, then I wouldn’t spend so much time seeking and so much of His work in me could not be accomplished. So, forgive me, for the rambling, for the flip-flopping of thoughts and emotions. It is all part of the process of discerning what He is speaking to me. I am a work in progress and will never have it all figured out. I just pray that I will stay teachable and that I will choose the path of God’s best and stop getting myself in the way.

Ever have one of those? When suddenly something just makes sense in a way it never has before? I certainly had one today and it was a bit difficult to swallow.

So much has happened since my last entry. The roller coaster has continued to toss my emotions all over the place and I’m not interested in trying to write it all down at this point. I’m just too tired. The most significant news, though, in regards to the theme of this blog, at least, is that my husband decided that he was wrong to “tell God that we were done” and that I am welcome to do whatever I need to to correct my hormone imbalance and if it happens to result in another pregnancy then he is absolutely fine with that. Wow. So I guess it’s not over after all…or is it?

It may be difficult to believe, but there is more to my life than consuming thoughts of pregnancy. In fact, I have a very busy, productive life and if you met me in real life you would probably not ever even know about this aspect of it since there are so many other areas that are much more visible. I am a stay at home mom and I am a homeschool mom. I am currently teaching a 7th grader, a kindergartner and a preschooler and, believe me, it is a full time job! Sometimes, I have a few moments where I actually miss those days that seem another lifetime ago when I actually had a “real” full time job. Not to belittle anyone’s hard work, but, for me, personally, I had it WAY easier back then. However, it was never as fulfilling or rewarding…simply easier. Anyway, lately my kindergartner (my first miracle baby) has been extra challenging. He’s always been my most strong willed child but for the past few weeks he has been taking the stubbornness to new heights and I’ve ended a few days with tears over it. Tonight was one of those nights. As I poured out my list of frustrations and worries to my husband he said everything he could to reassure me and to explain to me his view on it all. Then the lightbulb moment came. I was complaining that the real problem is that my son just can’t take “no” for an answer at all. He may appear to at first but he will spend an entire day “weasling” his way into getting what he wants after all, trying different approaches or just constantly asking for the same thing trying to wear me down. It’s absolutely exhausting. My husband went into why he does that, going on about how determined he is in everything that he does. It is so trying to deal with but that if we can harness it for the good nothing can stop him from accomplishing anything. Then it happened…he said, “he’s a lot like you”. It was meant to be a compliment. It was meant to mean that I am strong willed and tenacious, determined and can accomplish anything I set my mind to. The switch that went on in my brain, though, said something else. I realized that he was right. That’s exactly like me. Never willing to take “no” for an answer and doing everything that I can to “weasle” my way into getting what I want, after all, and humbly I must admit that I wonder if that is exactly what I am doing to God.

I got my period again today. It is my second one since the last miscarriage and I have an unopened bottle of Estrobalance in the kitchen cabinet, along with a prescription for Prometrium from the midwife to take “as soon as I get another positive pregnancy test!”. I know that I could go in there and begin taking the Estrobalance and I know that with my track record that more likely than not I would again be pregnant in a couple of weeks. I don’t want to do to my Heavenly Father what my son has been doing to me, though. I don’t believe that taking supplements like Estrobalance is wrong. The LORD gave me 2 beautiful children that way and I believe that He has prompted me to share the news with others so I’m not saying that what I’ve done was wrong. What I’m saying is that at this time in my life, maybe he is telling me “no” and yet I am refusing to listen. There are certainly a lot of circumstances that I have been overlooking. Instead, I am trying everything I can to get around that “no” just like my sweet little boy. Perseverance is an amazing character trait. I am overjoyed when I see my children really persevere in doing something hard and finally overcome. It brings me great pleasure to see them stick to something and get it done. I love to see a tenacious spirit in them…unless it is in doing something wrong. I don’t like to see them persevere in doing the wrong thing. Could that be what I am doing? I hope not. I haven’t thought again about taking that Estrobalance today, though.

This really touched me today and I had to share…

Wait…

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:

Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, “Child, you must wait”.

“Wait? You say, wait! ” my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?

I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,

Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:

I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.”

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting…. for what?”

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,

And he tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want - But you wouldn’t know Me.

You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint;

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint;

You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there;

You’d not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You’d never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;

You’d know that I give and I save…. (for a start),

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that “My grace is sufficient for Thee.”

Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,

But, Oh, the loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though oft’ may My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still, “WAIT.”

Author Unknown

So, I’ve been MIA for a few weeks trying to recover from our last blow. I’ve been doing well for the most part taking the time to refocus on what I do have and not what I don’t. Since our recent move I have had a hard time getting back on track with our daily routine and none of my family members function as well as we could when we aren’t on one. Without it, I often feel as if I am just spinning my wheels everyday and never really accomplishing much. My husband and my children mean the world to me and I needed to get my mind off babies and pregnancy and look to the gifts that I am already surrounded with. So I got everything up and running again and it felt good. I had a small nagging suspicion somewhere deep down that I was not properly mourning this last miscarriage but I kept it at bey. After all, I had ordered my silver heart forget-me-not memorial necklace (which, by the way, is beautiful!) and made my video and moved on.

Monday morning I had my last blood draw at the midwife’s office to make sure that my numbers were all the way back down. I woke up that morning with AF in full force so I knew that they were but I went anyway. I’m glad that I did because the midwife that I saw was very kind and I enjoyed talking it out a little with her. She went ahead and gave me a prescription for progesterone supplements so that I would be prepared if I were to become pregnant again. The midwives believe that I need the supplements to carry a pregnancy and, although I carried my 3rd pregnancy fine without them, they are probably right in that. I needed supplementation with my 2nd and since my problems conceiving are hormonal it only makes sense that my problem carrying them to term now, would be hormonal as well. So, although getting that last blood draw and sitting in the waiting room with happily pregnant women was tough, I left feeling hopeful that I might get another chance and I had my prescription to get me through.

The good feeling didn’t last, though. I’m not getting another chance. Last night, my dear husband told me he was done. He doesn’t want me to get pregnant again and we will no longer use any supplementation to conceive. Without it, I won’t. It’s that simple. Oh, I know that God can work miracles and I could have a surprise down the road but that is little consolation and in some ways makes it worse. There’s finality without true finality. I get to spend each month wondering and no matter how hard I try not to, hoping, and I’ve been there too many times already. I don’t like that place.

That’s where I am at, though. I know that I could fight it. I know that I have legitimate reasons why we should keep trying and could probably convince him, otherwise, if I really tried. Instead, I am choosing to submit. That is what I am called to do, anyway. The Bible doesn’t say how many children I should have. I haven’t found there any clear answers on whether we should use Estrobalance again or not. I know that it is clear on one thing, though. It is clear that I should submit to my husband and so that is what I am doing. I’m doing my best not to be mopey or depressed (subtle manipulation-I know he’ll do what he can to make me happy)but to continue on with a good attitude despite my broken heart. I’m not a saint. I’m not a martyr. The truth is, it’s all I CAN do. First, it’s what I’m called to do, but beyond that I can’t in anyway take a pill and become pregnant with my husband not fully on board with that. What if the progesterone supplements don’t work and I miscarry again. By my manipulation I have put him through that all over again. What if they do work and I carry the baby to term and something is wrong with it? Again, I forced it. What if they work and I give birth to a beautiful healthy baby. My husband is overjoyed and everything is just as I wanted it. I then find him working extra late and avoiding being with the family because he can’t handle 4 kids. The what-ifs could go on and on, but I think the point is made. I can’t FORCE this! Oh, how my very nature cries out for me to, but I can’t. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for keeping me in check. Please continue to give me strength.

So, here I sit. I believe that nagging suspicion that I hadn’t fully grieved was right. I feel like I have been hit full force by the gravity of the situation and bawled my eyes out last night. It’s so hard right now but I know that this is the low point. The grief is hitting me finally. The loss of 3 little babies and the loss of hope of more all at once is a bit overwhelming right now. On top of that, trying my best to not make my husband feel guilty (totally going against my nature) is difficult when I am hurting so much and in my stubborn head feel like the only relief is to try again.

I think that I may have to give the blog a rest for a while. Immersing myself in baby thoughts is not healthy for me right now but I do want to keep this site up. I believe that it contains information that will be helpful for someone out there. Don’t let my unhappy ending stop you if you are that person. It may sound unhappy but the reality is that it is not. The happy ending to my infertility story is playing sweetly next to me right now. The smallest one dressed up like a little princess while her big brother is dressed like an elf. They have been running around in the sunshine on wild adventures all afternoon. They are my happy ending. I hope and pray that anyone reading this and seeking such beauty will find it. They are worth it. So worth it.

“He said..’I will accept the breaking sorrow which God tomorrow will to His son explain.’ Then did the turmoil deep within him cease. Not vain the word, not vain. For in Acceptance lieth Peace” (excerpt from In Acceptance Lieth Peace by Amy Carmichael)

So, after 3 losses and using other people’s videos with each one as a tribute, I decided to try to make my very own. I had no idea where to start but found that it wasn’t too difficult, just very time consuming. That was welcome to me right now because it was a distraction of sorts to focus for so many hours on something where I was still dealing with my grief but in a productive way instead of just sitting around and over-analyzing it all. I took my favorite miscarriage tribute song and paired it with images that really spoke to me, personally. I’m happy with the result. I may still tweak it some here and there, but I think for a first try it’s not too bad.

Today it was confirmed by ultrasound, we have lost yet another baby. I’m a bit numb right now and unable to post as eloquently as I would like (not that I’m ever very eloquent) but it’s just not time to go into it too much. So instead, I am posting my video tribute to baby Leah to acknowledge the day and to offer myself some relief. Out of all of the miscarriage videos that I have posted, this one is by far my favorite. It is so well done. If anyone knows who is singing this could you please let me know?

Note: This was written a week ago, but I decided it was too negative to post and put it aside. I now believe that these feelings should be published as they are all part of the story…

There is certainly an innocence lost after miscarriage. An innocence lost that can not really be adequately explained unless you have experienced it. If you have, you’ll know exactly what I am trying to convey. It really makes itself apparent if another pregnancy occurs. Pregnancy doesn’t mean the same thing anymore. It becomes clinical. Before I ever had a miscarriage, I freely interchanged the phrases “I’m pregnant” with “I’m having a baby”. Now, they are two very different things to me. I used to live each month hoping against hope to finally see 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test. To me that was the climactic moment when everything I was working so hard for was finally realized. That moment of pure ecstasy when the test is finally positive. After carefully examining a bazillion negative tests under every light in the house, checking and re-checking, pulling them out of trash cans to inspect them yet again, finally seeing even the faintest hint of a second line was the answer to my dreams and yet so very elusive. Don’t get me wrong. I in no way believe that there is anything easy about that experience. It’s horrible. I’m not trying to say that my current experiences are any more difficult but only relaying that life is so different now and changed forever.

A positive pregnancy test now means that I’m pregnant. It means that my body is producing a measurable amount of Hcg. It does not necessarily mean that I am having a baby. It means weeks upon weeks of analyzing every symptom or lack of symptoms or it could mean just a week of doing that. I’m a generally positive person. I know this sounds so negative, but I don’t mean it to. It’s not that experiencing a new pregnancy means sitting around thinking the worst and certainly doesn’t mean expecting the worst. Instead, it means that a new realization has occurred somewhere deep inside of me of the absolute fragility of life. An understanding that I always had in my head but is now seared into my heart. A knowledge that it may not turn out the way I want it to just because I want it badly enough. It’s not time to pick out maternity clothes or research the best new stroller. It’s time to count each new day that I’m pregnant as a gift and one day closer to a possible happy ending. A time to look at new babies with hope knowing that at one time they were as small as the baby that I carry inside but knowing full well that the one inside has a long way to go to get there. It’s a time of living in the knowledge of what can happen. That’s why I say an innocence is lost. Pregnancy was once magical. Now the magic has been replaced by reality. Miscarriage forever changes things.

And yes, I was wrong about breaking my winning streak. I’m 7 weeks pregnant. Mom doesn’t know…please let me tell her myself.