Yes, I truly believe that my healing is complete.  It’s been a long road through the ups and downs of trying to conceive, pregnancies and miscarriages and I didn’t truly think that I could ever experience freedom from the pulling desire to have more children but God is so very very gracious and has worked a miracle in my heart.  I am free!

I am back to making things (other than babies!) and I’m full of joy being the person that I was created to be and using the abilities that have been given to me for a purpose.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to those of you who journeyed with me through all of this and sent prayers and encouragement when it was so desperately needed.  This blog was so much better than therapy!

If you want to find me, you can find me here...I’d love to hear from you all again and pray that you all find your healing as well in whatever form that comes to you.

No, I did not drop off the face of the earth, but I certainly dropped off the blogosphere for a while.  I’ve been going full speed ahead with life and this part of it has been pushed way down on the list of where I spend my valuable blocks of time these days…just not enough hours in the day for it all.  

Daddy gave me a major blessing a few months ago.  I was asked to be the costume designer for an upcoming local presentation of the Broadway musical, Godspell.  In a former life (before kids) I used my BFA in Fashion Design to help pay the bills, working as a designer for a clothing company.  Since my oldest was 6 months old, though, I have been a SAHM and using my creative skills randomly as time allows.  Getting the opportunity to take on such an endeavor as Godspell has really opened my eyes to the fact that there is still a place in my life for art, a passion of mine for as long as I can remember.  Daddy has given me abilities for a purpose and I have put them aside for another season.  Well, I’m beginning to see that the season has arrived, or at least one of the seasons, and it’s good to be stretching my limbs again, dusting off the sketchbooks, and using that right side of my brain once more.  I am thankful.  He simultaneously opened up the door to teach art 2 times a week to the middle schoolers in a newly formed homeschooling co-op.  I think that there is a theme here.  :)

So, as far as baby stuff goes there will be little to report, I’m afraid.  My life is so full right now and I’m enjoying every minute (okay, almost every minute!) of the 3 kiddos that I have.  Daddy has been gracious enough to slowly weed that baby lust right out of me for the time being and possibly forever and replaced it  with those things that bring me so much joy that I had set aside for “better” things.  How gentle and loving He is with us!

Have you ever felt like this guy? I know that I have. My oldest son chuckles a bit at me because I go around singing this particular song so much. Yes, I’m one of those people that annoys everyone around her by singing all the time. If I know the words to the song on the radio, you are gonna hear ‘em if you are riding along. I’m not a particularly gifted singer but that’s never stopped me. I’ve never been a part of the choir or praise team or anything like that since I’m not into performing at all (not that I have a problem with that…it’s just not me) but my favorite form of communing with Daddy is through song and music.

I can especially relate where he is kind of mouthing the words a bit at first and then stopping when someone passes by. I do that in the van.

So I posted this afternoon with the intention of sharing a story and got carried away and forgot! All of that about this new realm of understanding that I am experiencing with my Daddy was to lead into what happened to me yesterday.

An old friend of my 13 year old was having his 15th birthday party and invited my son to come. They had not seen one another since his birthday party a year ago so when I took my son to the party I didn’t feel like I could just drop him off but felt the need to go inside and catch up with his mother and some of the other adults that I hadn’t seen since last year at this time. We all used to go to the same church together years ago but have since all scattered and while we all still care about each other we are not as close as we once were. Anyway, during the conversation one of the ladies said, “So, is James (my dh) babysitting?” and I acknowledged that he was, indeed. She continued with, ” I remember last year you brought the kids with you and you were carrying one inside!”, she said this with a big smile on her face, “and your story about how you found out that you were carrying that one was so beautiful. I just loved that!”. I was so dumbstruck, realizing that she never heard that I lost it and still thought that I had given birth to a baby this summer, and said, “yes, but we ended up losing that one.” Obviously, she did not hear me and went on to say, “You know that there will never be any doubt that that child was meant to be!” Oh, boy that hurt. I didn’t know what to say at that point. I just awkwardly said, “yeah” and changed the subject quickly. At that point, I didn’t want to make her feel bad by repeating that we never had that baby so I just continued on with the conversations with everyone and left as soon as I could.

My mind was reeling when I got into my van as I tried to let it go and not let it send me into darkness again. It was freezing cold and I was shivering and shaken emotionally as I sat down behind the steering wheel and cranked up the engine. As soon as it started up, though, my Daddy gave me a big ol’ hug. “My” miscarriage song came pouring out of the radio. It is the first song that ever ministered to me after our very first loss and it truly feels like a big hug from Heaven. I just smiled and determined that I could handle a little more pain because I know that I am being Held. Now, if that’s not God being a Daddy…I don’t know what is!