Upon further investigation of my heart, I am now wondering if I’m just dealing with fear. Yes, I am stubborn and, yes, it is still a real possibility that I am refusing to listen to “no”. Now, though, I am realizing that I am afraid to even think about taking the Estrobalance. Could the conclusion that I’m being stubborn just be a way of deferring what I should be doing? It sounds very noble, to accept that I’m wrong and humbly back off, but is that really what I am meant to do? Why do I have such thoughts to continue to pursue something that is so difficult? I am in a good place, now, with my 3 children and, in complete honesty, the thought of another baby coming into the house really scares me. Could I really handle 4 kids? How can I deal with the new challenges that it would represent. I feel like I finally have the handle on 3 children and I know pregnancy and a new baby will completely throw all of that off, at least for a while. I’m also not young anymore. Do I really want to be raising children well into my 50’s? Will I just get too tired to be the mom I want to be? Where would I put a new baby? Our house is small. Then the biggest fear…what if I miscarry AGAIN? This is where all the confusion comes. My head says that I honestly don’t want another pregnancy. Yet, I struggle constantly with thoughts of becoming pregnant and having another baby. My heart wants another one, even though my head does not! What do I do with that? Is that God putting it into my heart and my human nature resisting? Or is it that I’m such a stubborn person that I am determined to “win” against all of these obstacles that have kept me from another baby even though, in my head, I know that another one isn’t a good idea? So now I have to determine whether I am being stubborn or I’m living out of fear. I pray that the LORD makes it clear.

I suppose that I should apologize at this point to anyone who actually reads this blog! It is such a personal journal of an often confused woman. Many things in my life are very clear and cut and dry and I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who directs my paths. There are some areas in my life where He doesn’t always make things so obvious for me. This is one of those areas and always has been. I know why He does that and I’m grateful for it, although, many times that gratitude comes after much kicking and screaming. This is an area where He grows me and fine tunes me and teaches me to listen. If it was always so obvious, then I wouldn’t spend so much time seeking and so much of His work in me could not be accomplished. So, forgive me, for the rambling, for the flip-flopping of thoughts and emotions. It is all part of the process of discerning what He is speaking to me. I am a work in progress and will never have it all figured out. I just pray that I will stay teachable and that I will choose the path of God’s best and stop getting myself in the way.

Ever have one of those? When suddenly something just makes sense in a way it never has before? I certainly had one today and it was a bit difficult to swallow.

So much has happened since my last entry. The roller coaster has continued to toss my emotions all over the place and I’m not interested in trying to write it all down at this point. I’m just too tired. The most significant news, though, in regards to the theme of this blog, at least, is that my husband decided that he was wrong to “tell God that we were done” and that I am welcome to do whatever I need to to correct my hormone imbalance and if it happens to result in another pregnancy then he is absolutely fine with that. Wow. So I guess it’s not over after all…or is it?

It may be difficult to believe, but there is more to my life than consuming thoughts of pregnancy. In fact, I have a very busy, productive life and if you met me in real life you would probably not ever even know about this aspect of it since there are so many other areas that are much more visible. I am a stay at home mom and I am a homeschool mom. I am currently teaching a 7th grader, a kindergartner and a preschooler and, believe me, it is a full time job! Sometimes, I have a few moments where I actually miss those days that seem another lifetime ago when I actually had a “real” full time job. Not to belittle anyone’s hard work, but, for me, personally, I had it WAY easier back then. However, it was never as fulfilling or rewarding…simply easier. Anyway, lately my kindergartner (my first miracle baby) has been extra challenging. He’s always been my most strong willed child but for the past few weeks he has been taking the stubbornness to new heights and I’ve ended a few days with tears over it. Tonight was one of those nights. As I poured out my list of frustrations and worries to my husband he said everything he could to reassure me and to explain to me his view on it all. Then the lightbulb moment came. I was complaining that the real problem is that my son just can’t take “no” for an answer at all. He may appear to at first but he will spend an entire day “weasling” his way into getting what he wants after all, trying different approaches or just constantly asking for the same thing trying to wear me down. It’s absolutely exhausting. My husband went into why he does that, going on about how determined he is in everything that he does. It is so trying to deal with but that if we can harness it for the good nothing can stop him from accomplishing anything. Then it happened…he said, “he’s a lot like you”. It was meant to be a compliment. It was meant to mean that I am strong willed and tenacious, determined and can accomplish anything I set my mind to. The switch that went on in my brain, though, said something else. I realized that he was right. That’s exactly like me. Never willing to take “no” for an answer and doing everything that I can to “weasle” my way into getting what I want, after all, and humbly I must admit that I wonder if that is exactly what I am doing to God.

I got my period again today. It is my second one since the last miscarriage and I have an unopened bottle of Estrobalance in the kitchen cabinet, along with a prescription for Prometrium from the midwife to take “as soon as I get another positive pregnancy test!”. I know that I could go in there and begin taking the Estrobalance and I know that with my track record that more likely than not I would again be pregnant in a couple of weeks. I don’t want to do to my Heavenly Father what my son has been doing to me, though. I don’t believe that taking supplements like Estrobalance is wrong. The LORD gave me 2 beautiful children that way and I believe that He has prompted me to share the news with others so I’m not saying that what I’ve done was wrong. What I’m saying is that at this time in my life, maybe he is telling me “no” and yet I am refusing to listen. There are certainly a lot of circumstances that I have been overlooking. Instead, I am trying everything I can to get around that “no” just like my sweet little boy. Perseverance is an amazing character trait. I am overjoyed when I see my children really persevere in doing something hard and finally overcome. It brings me great pleasure to see them stick to something and get it done. I love to see a tenacious spirit in them…unless it is in doing something wrong. I don’t like to see them persevere in doing the wrong thing. Could that be what I am doing? I hope not. I haven’t thought again about taking that Estrobalance today, though.

My cycle has been so weird this month and I have no idea when to expect AF. It’s making me a little crazy, I have to say. By the calendar I should begin a fresh month around Wednesday…just 3 days away. However, I think that I O’d last Monday…not even a week ago. Normally, I am dreading getting my period but now that I’m anxious to get pregnant again and start my Estrobalance it can’t get here soon enough. So frustrating.

I’m planning a baby shower for one of my best friends. I’m having a lot of fun doing it and it’s coming together well. She’s due any day and I’m hoping that we can all pull it off before the baby arrives. She’s starting to get “that look” like it is just minutes away. I know that can go on for a while, though. I’m so excited about her new little girl finally arriving into this big world, but I know that there will be some bittersweetness for me. We were pregnant together at one point and talked about how close in age our children were going to be and how much fun they would have together. Her children match my children in ages and it looked like we were just continuing that trend. Her sweet baby will be a reminder that mine isn’t here. At the same time, though, I’m grateful for a baby to hold even if it’s not my own and I can’t wait to meet her.

I held a newborn baby for the first time since my miscarriage and it was so sweet. We travelled to see family out of state this past weekend. I knew that I would get to see my new 2 week old nephew for the first time and I was, honestly, a bit nervous about it. I felt okay, but this miscarriage thing surprises me sometimes. Just when I think that I am fine, I will find myself reacting in an unexpectedly emotional way. So, I wasn’t convinced that I would be okay as we drove the 6 hours to our final destination but when we finally arrived and the baby was brought over to us, my worries disappeared. He was so adorable, and I was so happy to get to hold that little bundle that my own loss only crossed my mind a few times and not in a terrible way. Even though I have held numerous newborns in my life, each time it’s like the first time as I just marvel at how tiny and beautiful they are.

On a sad note, though, my little nephew is deaf. At this point, we aren’t sure if it is a permanent condition or if it can be corrected. He’ll need further testing for that to be established. Of course, we are all hoping and praying for the best. We’d love for others to join us in prayer for healing if you feel so led.