Ever have one of those? When suddenly something just makes sense in a way it never has before? I certainly had one today and it was a bit difficult to swallow.

So much has happened since my last entry. The roller coaster has continued to toss my emotions all over the place and I’m not interested in trying to write it all down at this point. I’m just too tired. The most significant news, though, in regards to the theme of this blog, at least, is that my husband decided that he was wrong to “tell God that we were done” and that I am welcome to do whatever I need to to correct my hormone imbalance and if it happens to result in another pregnancy then he is absolutely fine with that. Wow. So I guess it’s not over after all…or is it?

It may be difficult to believe, but there is more to my life than consuming thoughts of pregnancy. In fact, I have a very busy, productive life and if you met me in real life you would probably not ever even know about this aspect of it since there are so many other areas that are much more visible. I am a stay at home mom and I am a homeschool mom. I am currently teaching a 7th grader, a kindergartner and a preschooler and, believe me, it is a full time job! Sometimes, I have a few moments where I actually miss those days that seem another lifetime ago when I actually had a “real” full time job. Not to belittle anyone’s hard work, but, for me, personally, I had it WAY easier back then. However, it was never as fulfilling or rewarding…simply easier. Anyway, lately my kindergartner (my first miracle baby) has been extra challenging. He’s always been my most strong willed child but for the past few weeks he has been taking the stubbornness to new heights and I’ve ended a few days with tears over it. Tonight was one of those nights. As I poured out my list of frustrations and worries to my husband he said everything he could to reassure me and to explain to me his view on it all. Then the lightbulb moment came. I was complaining that the real problem is that my son just can’t take “no” for an answer at all. He may appear to at first but he will spend an entire day “weasling” his way into getting what he wants after all, trying different approaches or just constantly asking for the same thing trying to wear me down. It’s absolutely exhausting. My husband went into why he does that, going on about how determined he is in everything that he does. It is so trying to deal with but that if we can harness it for the good nothing can stop him from accomplishing anything. Then it happened…he said, “he’s a lot like you”. It was meant to be a compliment. It was meant to mean that I am strong willed and tenacious, determined and can accomplish anything I set my mind to. The switch that went on in my brain, though, said something else. I realized that he was right. That’s exactly like me. Never willing to take “no” for an answer and doing everything that I can to “weasle” my way into getting what I want, after all, and humbly I must admit that I wonder if that is exactly what I am doing to God.

I got my period again today. It is my second one since the last miscarriage and I have an unopened bottle of Estrobalance in the kitchen cabinet, along with a prescription for Prometrium from the midwife to take “as soon as I get another positive pregnancy test!”. I know that I could go in there and begin taking the Estrobalance and I know that with my track record that more likely than not I would again be pregnant in a couple of weeks. I don’t want to do to my Heavenly Father what my son has been doing to me, though. I don’t believe that taking supplements like Estrobalance is wrong. The LORD gave me 2 beautiful children that way and I believe that He has prompted me to share the news with others so I’m not saying that what I’ve done was wrong. What I’m saying is that at this time in my life, maybe he is telling me “no” and yet I am refusing to listen. There are certainly a lot of circumstances that I have been overlooking. Instead, I am trying everything I can to get around that “no” just like my sweet little boy. Perseverance is an amazing character trait. I am overjoyed when I see my children really persevere in doing something hard and finally overcome. It brings me great pleasure to see them stick to something and get it done. I love to see a tenacious spirit in them…unless it is in doing something wrong. I don’t like to see them persevere in doing the wrong thing. Could that be what I am doing? I hope not. I haven’t thought again about taking that Estrobalance today, though.

Estrobalance has worked the first month I took it twice now, but I think that I’m ending my “winning streak” with it. It’s too early to verify that belief 100% but I know my body and my body says not this time.

The good thing is that I’m really okay with it. Surprisingly, okay. Yes, I would have loved to find that we are expecting again but I also know that I can’t see all the ins and outs of what that would mean and if God didn’t allow it then He has a good reason and I trust in His divine wisdom over my own any day. I’ve lived long enough to know when I force something I want, disregarding what He has to say on it, overlooking the obvious signs that I’m not on His best path for me or justifying my decision in my own head, it never turns out well. I wish I had no track record of such behavior, but I certainly do and I don’t want to go down that path again.

I believe that the reason I felt led to continue with our plans to take the Estrobalance was to aid in my miscarriage healing. I had to try again in order to get to where I am now which is on the other side of the darkness where I am able to feel normal again. It’s been nearly 3 months and it still stings. I am certain that it always will but I don’t think about it all the time now. I have those moments where I see a large round belly and think that I would have a nice one of those by now. I would have known the sex of the baby for awhile by now and would be buying pink or blue. Seeing a newborn baby is bittersweet. For the most part, though, my heart feels strong and I feel that the grieving has ended. This month of trying again has brought about the final chapter in that grieving process. Well, maybe not the final chapter but definitely one of the later chapters where the happy ending is beginning to unfold.

Will I try again? Hard to say. The Estrobalance just didn’t agree with my system this time and so I know that it isn’t something I can just take all the time. I wasn’t consistent with it because of that and positive that my inability to take it the proper way contributed to my lack of success with it this month. I’m taking my Red Raspberry Leaf capsules to regulate my hormones gently and will continue to do my very best to listen carefully to what my Father is speaking to me on the subject. Right now my life is so consumed with moving and taking care of the 3 amazing children that I already have that I feel full and at peace with the way things are.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the road I’ve been on since the last miscarriage and have come to some conclusions that are beginning to make some sense to me. I would have never chosen to lose my last 2 babies, but without those losses I would have never began this blog and my hope is that their short lives somehow set the wheels in motion to get information needed to would-be mamas out there so that new babies will be brought into this world. After the move is settled and my head stops spinning I am going to give this blog the attention it deserves so that it can be used in the way I dreamed it would be. So stay tuned!

I’m having some difficulties with the Estrobalance. Interesting when I look back upon my experience with this supplement that the first time I took it I do not recall any issues at all with stomach upset. Then when I took it again 3 years ago, I do remember having some problems. At first, I didn’t correlate it with the Estrobalance since it didn’t happen the first time I took it but after a couple of weeks I began to suspect that the tummy troubles were a result of taking it. I was further convinced when it disappeared as soon as the product was stopped. This time around it has been even more severe. After 4 days of taking it, I began to feel like I was being poisoned. I continued until day 10 but then realized that baby or no baby I was really not going to be able to keep it up. I took a breather for a day and let my system rest and then picked it back up 2 days ago just taking 1 a day instead of the 2 that I have taken before. I have no idea if that will affect it’s effectiveness or not, but it’s really all I can do.

I have spent hours on the internet trying to find any info on why it is causing this disturbing side effect. Nothing. I can find no research that indicates that it has any side effects at all. The active ingredient in it is DIM and it has been hailed as being very safe with no side effects. I found no evidence that it causes any sort of intestinal issues whatsoever. However, Estrobalance does contain lecithin and although that is a healthy ingredient in large doses it can have the undesirable effect that I have been experiencing. I suspect that could be my problem. Too much lecithin or a sensitivity to lecithin. Of course, that is just my uneducated opinion from an evening surfing the net.

I have felt better on the 1 a day. Still a bit of nausea but just a touch. If anyone is reading this and trying it out I just want you to forewarned that this could occur and I would really like to hear from you if it does. I don’t know if it is just me or not. If I do get pregnant with the 1 a day I think that I’m going to change the recommendation on my site to just 1 a day. I want others to get that baby that they want but I would love to have them suffer as little as possible to get that desire.