Yes, I truly believe that my healing is complete.  It’s been a long road through the ups and downs of trying to conceive, pregnancies and miscarriages and I didn’t truly think that I could ever experience freedom from the pulling desire to have more children but God is so very very gracious and has worked a miracle in my heart.  I am free!

I am back to making things (other than babies!) and I’m full of joy being the person that I was created to be and using the abilities that have been given to me for a purpose.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to those of you who journeyed with me through all of this and sent prayers and encouragement when it was so desperately needed.  This blog was so much better than therapy!

If you want to find me, you can find me here...I’d love to hear from you all again and pray that you all find your healing as well in whatever form that comes to you.

Boy, did we need that! Our vacation was absolutely wonderful despite the fact that AF DID make her ugly appearance the day that we left just as scheduled. I was determined not to let that spoil the week for us, though, and for the most part I didn’t. I tried to soak up every bit of peace and tranquility that surrounded me. We aren’t exactly “beach people”. My husband and I are about the fairest skinned people you may ever meet and I can’t stand going to the beach during “swimsuit competition season”. Obviously we aren’t sunbathers or anything, but the beauty and power of the sea draws us to it, nonetheless. Because of our distaste for typical beach culture, we like to go in the off season and we prefer the remote beaches of Cape Hatteras on the Outer Banks of NC. So that’s where we have been for the past week and neither one of us wanted to come back home.

I want to thank each of you who commented on my last post. You have no idea the impact that your encouraging words and prayers have on my heart. My eyes nearly always fill with tears as I read through the comments, especially from those who are struggling right along with me. Please know that you are in my prayers as well.

While enjoying a moment of solitude on the upper deck of our beach house overlooking the Atlantic Ocean one afternoon this song came on my Ipod. It’s been on there for a long time after I downloaded the whole album a year or so ago and I’ve always liked the song, but it spoke to me in a new way that day. Rather than going into how I’m feeling these days, I will let the song say it for me. I was pleased to find this version of it because it had so much beach imagery and made it just perfect. Here it is…

This really touched me today and I had to share…

Wait…

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:

Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, “Child, you must wait”.

“Wait? You say, wait! ” my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?

I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,

Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:

I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.”

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting…. for what?”

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,

And he tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want - But you wouldn’t know Me.

You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint;

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint;

You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there;

You’d not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You’d never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;

You’d know that I give and I save…. (for a start),

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that “My grace is sufficient for Thee.”

Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,

But, Oh, the loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though oft’ may My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still, “WAIT.”

Author Unknown

Estrobalance has worked the first month I took it twice now, but I think that I’m ending my “winning streak” with it. It’s too early to verify that belief 100% but I know my body and my body says not this time.

The good thing is that I’m really okay with it. Surprisingly, okay. Yes, I would have loved to find that we are expecting again but I also know that I can’t see all the ins and outs of what that would mean and if God didn’t allow it then He has a good reason and I trust in His divine wisdom over my own any day. I’ve lived long enough to know when I force something I want, disregarding what He has to say on it, overlooking the obvious signs that I’m not on His best path for me or justifying my decision in my own head, it never turns out well. I wish I had no track record of such behavior, but I certainly do and I don’t want to go down that path again.

I believe that the reason I felt led to continue with our plans to take the Estrobalance was to aid in my miscarriage healing. I had to try again in order to get to where I am now which is on the other side of the darkness where I am able to feel normal again. It’s been nearly 3 months and it still stings. I am certain that it always will but I don’t think about it all the time now. I have those moments where I see a large round belly and think that I would have a nice one of those by now. I would have known the sex of the baby for awhile by now and would be buying pink or blue. Seeing a newborn baby is bittersweet. For the most part, though, my heart feels strong and I feel that the grieving has ended. This month of trying again has brought about the final chapter in that grieving process. Well, maybe not the final chapter but definitely one of the later chapters where the happy ending is beginning to unfold.

Will I try again? Hard to say. The Estrobalance just didn’t agree with my system this time and so I know that it isn’t something I can just take all the time. I wasn’t consistent with it because of that and positive that my inability to take it the proper way contributed to my lack of success with it this month. I’m taking my Red Raspberry Leaf capsules to regulate my hormones gently and will continue to do my very best to listen carefully to what my Father is speaking to me on the subject. Right now my life is so consumed with moving and taking care of the 3 amazing children that I already have that I feel full and at peace with the way things are.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the road I’ve been on since the last miscarriage and have come to some conclusions that are beginning to make some sense to me. I would have never chosen to lose my last 2 babies, but without those losses I would have never began this blog and my hope is that their short lives somehow set the wheels in motion to get information needed to would-be mamas out there so that new babies will be brought into this world. After the move is settled and my head stops spinning I am going to give this blog the attention it deserves so that it can be used in the way I dreamed it would be. So stay tuned!

Did I ovulate or not? Not sure. By now I should have but it’s really unclear to me. I’m assuming that I have. I usually can tell the exact day but not this month. I was inconsistent with taking the Estrobalance oscillating between taking 2 a day to 1 a day to several 0 a day. Life is just a little too unstable right now with all the changes going on. Moving is a big deal. It always sounds easier than it actually is…so many details that are so easily overlooked or just underestimated. The good thing, though, is that I am at peace over this month. Whether our goal was achieved or not I am still fine. Yes, I want another baby but I know that if it is meant to happen then it will and it will happen when it’s the right time. I still believe very much that it could be this month but if not there’s always next month and maybe I can be settled enough to take my supplements more consistently. Of course, even though I truly mean that it won’t keep me from spending the next two weeks analyzing every twinge, cramp, tenderness or bout of nauseousness. Am I more tired than usual? Am I peeing more? Hmmmm…is that smell making me sick??? Time to buckle up for the rollercoaster ride of the 2 week wait. At least, packing and moving should keep me somewhat distracted. I can test the day after we move into the new house. New house, new beginning??? I can hope so.

I held a newborn baby for the first time since my miscarriage and it was so sweet. We travelled to see family out of state this past weekend. I knew that I would get to see my new 2 week old nephew for the first time and I was, honestly, a bit nervous about it. I felt okay, but this miscarriage thing surprises me sometimes. Just when I think that I am fine, I will find myself reacting in an unexpectedly emotional way. So, I wasn’t convinced that I would be okay as we drove the 6 hours to our final destination but when we finally arrived and the baby was brought over to us, my worries disappeared. He was so adorable, and I was so happy to get to hold that little bundle that my own loss only crossed my mind a few times and not in a terrible way. Even though I have held numerous newborns in my life, each time it’s like the first time as I just marvel at how tiny and beautiful they are.

On a sad note, though, my little nephew is deaf. At this point, we aren’t sure if it is a permanent condition or if it can be corrected. He’ll need further testing for that to be established. Of course, we are all hoping and praying for the best. We’d love for others to join us in prayer for healing if you feel so led.

I love this song so much. I am so grateful to have a God bigger than anything life can throw at me and He is SO worthy to be praised.

I hit such a low point last night. Pondering 2007 was difficult since it was one of the hardest years that my husband and I have endured since we were married. Not only did we suffer through 2 miscarriages, but it has been hard all the way around on so many levels. A year full of challenges and lessons and wake up calls. As the clock drew closer to midnight last night I realized that I was becoming fearful of 2008. I realized that I was just plain scared to death to go through another year like this past one or one that could be even harder. Fortunately, my husband came to the rescue and we had a good talk before bed and once again he reassured me and inspired me to not give in to the fear and despair. We talked through some issues that needed addressing and made some productive plans and goal setting for the near future. I went to bed feeling much more at ease and ready to welcome the new year.

Looking back I know that last year was a turning point for us. Through our circumstances we have learned a valuable lesson in that we need to be more proactive in our lives. Surrendering to God’s will for our life doesn’t mean just spending each day just letting it happen to us and that is how we have lived for so long…letting life happen. The LORD has shown us that we need to live our life surrendered to His will for sure but we need to be listening to Him more in every situation. He has shown us that He has some amazing plans for us. He has given us ideas that we would never have thought of on our own and opened doors that we could not have foreseen. We know that He is working all things together for our good. We just need to be patient as it all comes to fruition.

Through all the hardship that we have endured the most amazing product of it all is that we pray. Yes, we have always prayed but now we pray everyday with each other. Our day always starts with spending some time together and then praying together. We put each day in God’s hands together and even though we have still had to go through the storms we can see that they continue to lead us into a deeper understanding of ourselves and God. So, I guess I could look at 2007 as the best year in our life so far. Maybe it was the hardest, but through all the hurt and struggle we have become stronger, more purposeful, closer to each other and closer to the LORD. I can’t wait to see what He has in store in 2008.