Upon further investigation of my heart, I am now wondering if I’m just dealing with fear. Yes, I am stubborn and, yes, it is still a real possibility that I am refusing to listen to “no”. Now, though, I am realizing that I am afraid to even think about taking the Estrobalance. Could the conclusion that I’m being stubborn just be a way of deferring what I should be doing? It sounds very noble, to accept that I’m wrong and humbly back off, but is that really what I am meant to do? Why do I have such thoughts to continue to pursue something that is so difficult? I am in a good place, now, with my 3 children and, in complete honesty, the thought of another baby coming into the house really scares me. Could I really handle 4 kids? How can I deal with the new challenges that it would represent. I feel like I finally have the handle on 3 children and I know pregnancy and a new baby will completely throw all of that off, at least for a while. I’m also not young anymore. Do I really want to be raising children well into my 50’s? Will I just get too tired to be the mom I want to be? Where would I put a new baby? Our house is small. Then the biggest fear…what if I miscarry AGAIN? This is where all the confusion comes. My head says that I honestly don’t want another pregnancy. Yet, I struggle constantly with thoughts of becoming pregnant and having another baby. My heart wants another one, even though my head does not! What do I do with that? Is that God putting it into my heart and my human nature resisting? Or is it that I’m such a stubborn person that I am determined to “win” against all of these obstacles that have kept me from another baby even though, in my head, I know that another one isn’t a good idea? So now I have to determine whether I am being stubborn or I’m living out of fear. I pray that the LORD makes it clear.

I suppose that I should apologize at this point to anyone who actually reads this blog! It is such a personal journal of an often confused woman. Many things in my life are very clear and cut and dry and I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who directs my paths. There are some areas in my life where He doesn’t always make things so obvious for me. This is one of those areas and always has been. I know why He does that and I’m grateful for it, although, many times that gratitude comes after much kicking and screaming. This is an area where He grows me and fine tunes me and teaches me to listen. If it was always so obvious, then I wouldn’t spend so much time seeking and so much of His work in me could not be accomplished. So, forgive me, for the rambling, for the flip-flopping of thoughts and emotions. It is all part of the process of discerning what He is speaking to me. I am a work in progress and will never have it all figured out. I just pray that I will stay teachable and that I will choose the path of God’s best and stop getting myself in the way.

Ever have one of those? When suddenly something just makes sense in a way it never has before? I certainly had one today and it was a bit difficult to swallow.

So much has happened since my last entry. The roller coaster has continued to toss my emotions all over the place and I’m not interested in trying to write it all down at this point. I’m just too tired. The most significant news, though, in regards to the theme of this blog, at least, is that my husband decided that he was wrong to “tell God that we were done” and that I am welcome to do whatever I need to to correct my hormone imbalance and if it happens to result in another pregnancy then he is absolutely fine with that. Wow. So I guess it’s not over after all…or is it?

It may be difficult to believe, but there is more to my life than consuming thoughts of pregnancy. In fact, I have a very busy, productive life and if you met me in real life you would probably not ever even know about this aspect of it since there are so many other areas that are much more visible. I am a stay at home mom and I am a homeschool mom. I am currently teaching a 7th grader, a kindergartner and a preschooler and, believe me, it is a full time job! Sometimes, I have a few moments where I actually miss those days that seem another lifetime ago when I actually had a “real” full time job. Not to belittle anyone’s hard work, but, for me, personally, I had it WAY easier back then. However, it was never as fulfilling or rewarding…simply easier. Anyway, lately my kindergartner (my first miracle baby) has been extra challenging. He’s always been my most strong willed child but for the past few weeks he has been taking the stubbornness to new heights and I’ve ended a few days with tears over it. Tonight was one of those nights. As I poured out my list of frustrations and worries to my husband he said everything he could to reassure me and to explain to me his view on it all. Then the lightbulb moment came. I was complaining that the real problem is that my son just can’t take “no” for an answer at all. He may appear to at first but he will spend an entire day “weasling” his way into getting what he wants after all, trying different approaches or just constantly asking for the same thing trying to wear me down. It’s absolutely exhausting. My husband went into why he does that, going on about how determined he is in everything that he does. It is so trying to deal with but that if we can harness it for the good nothing can stop him from accomplishing anything. Then it happened…he said, “he’s a lot like you”. It was meant to be a compliment. It was meant to mean that I am strong willed and tenacious, determined and can accomplish anything I set my mind to. The switch that went on in my brain, though, said something else. I realized that he was right. That’s exactly like me. Never willing to take “no” for an answer and doing everything that I can to “weasle” my way into getting what I want, after all, and humbly I must admit that I wonder if that is exactly what I am doing to God.

I got my period again today. It is my second one since the last miscarriage and I have an unopened bottle of Estrobalance in the kitchen cabinet, along with a prescription for Prometrium from the midwife to take “as soon as I get another positive pregnancy test!”. I know that I could go in there and begin taking the Estrobalance and I know that with my track record that more likely than not I would again be pregnant in a couple of weeks. I don’t want to do to my Heavenly Father what my son has been doing to me, though. I don’t believe that taking supplements like Estrobalance is wrong. The LORD gave me 2 beautiful children that way and I believe that He has prompted me to share the news with others so I’m not saying that what I’ve done was wrong. What I’m saying is that at this time in my life, maybe he is telling me “no” and yet I am refusing to listen. There are certainly a lot of circumstances that I have been overlooking. Instead, I am trying everything I can to get around that “no” just like my sweet little boy. Perseverance is an amazing character trait. I am overjoyed when I see my children really persevere in doing something hard and finally overcome. It brings me great pleasure to see them stick to something and get it done. I love to see a tenacious spirit in them…unless it is in doing something wrong. I don’t like to see them persevere in doing the wrong thing. Could that be what I am doing? I hope not. I haven’t thought again about taking that Estrobalance today, though.

So, I’ve been MIA for a few weeks trying to recover from our last blow. I’ve been doing well for the most part taking the time to refocus on what I do have and not what I don’t. Since our recent move I have had a hard time getting back on track with our daily routine and none of my family members function as well as we could when we aren’t on one. Without it, I often feel as if I am just spinning my wheels everyday and never really accomplishing much. My husband and my children mean the world to me and I needed to get my mind off babies and pregnancy and look to the gifts that I am already surrounded with. So I got everything up and running again and it felt good. I had a small nagging suspicion somewhere deep down that I was not properly mourning this last miscarriage but I kept it at bey. After all, I had ordered my silver heart forget-me-not memorial necklace (which, by the way, is beautiful!) and made my video and moved on.

Monday morning I had my last blood draw at the midwife’s office to make sure that my numbers were all the way back down. I woke up that morning with AF in full force so I knew that they were but I went anyway. I’m glad that I did because the midwife that I saw was very kind and I enjoyed talking it out a little with her. She went ahead and gave me a prescription for progesterone supplements so that I would be prepared if I were to become pregnant again. The midwives believe that I need the supplements to carry a pregnancy and, although I carried my 3rd pregnancy fine without them, they are probably right in that. I needed supplementation with my 2nd and since my problems conceiving are hormonal it only makes sense that my problem carrying them to term now, would be hormonal as well. So, although getting that last blood draw and sitting in the waiting room with happily pregnant women was tough, I left feeling hopeful that I might get another chance and I had my prescription to get me through.

The good feeling didn’t last, though. I’m not getting another chance. Last night, my dear husband told me he was done. He doesn’t want me to get pregnant again and we will no longer use any supplementation to conceive. Without it, I won’t. It’s that simple. Oh, I know that God can work miracles and I could have a surprise down the road but that is little consolation and in some ways makes it worse. There’s finality without true finality. I get to spend each month wondering and no matter how hard I try not to, hoping, and I’ve been there too many times already. I don’t like that place.

That’s where I am at, though. I know that I could fight it. I know that I have legitimate reasons why we should keep trying and could probably convince him, otherwise, if I really tried. Instead, I am choosing to submit. That is what I am called to do, anyway. The Bible doesn’t say how many children I should have. I haven’t found there any clear answers on whether we should use Estrobalance again or not. I know that it is clear on one thing, though. It is clear that I should submit to my husband and so that is what I am doing. I’m doing my best not to be mopey or depressed (subtle manipulation-I know he’ll do what he can to make me happy)but to continue on with a good attitude despite my broken heart. I’m not a saint. I’m not a martyr. The truth is, it’s all I CAN do. First, it’s what I’m called to do, but beyond that I can’t in anyway take a pill and become pregnant with my husband not fully on board with that. What if the progesterone supplements don’t work and I miscarry again. By my manipulation I have put him through that all over again. What if they do work and I carry the baby to term and something is wrong with it? Again, I forced it. What if they work and I give birth to a beautiful healthy baby. My husband is overjoyed and everything is just as I wanted it. I then find him working extra late and avoiding being with the family because he can’t handle 4 kids. The what-ifs could go on and on, but I think the point is made. I can’t FORCE this! Oh, how my very nature cries out for me to, but I can’t. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for keeping me in check. Please continue to give me strength.

So, here I sit. I believe that nagging suspicion that I hadn’t fully grieved was right. I feel like I have been hit full force by the gravity of the situation and bawled my eyes out last night. It’s so hard right now but I know that this is the low point. The grief is hitting me finally. The loss of 3 little babies and the loss of hope of more all at once is a bit overwhelming right now. On top of that, trying my best to not make my husband feel guilty (totally going against my nature) is difficult when I am hurting so much and in my stubborn head feel like the only relief is to try again.

I think that I may have to give the blog a rest for a while. Immersing myself in baby thoughts is not healthy for me right now but I do want to keep this site up. I believe that it contains information that will be helpful for someone out there. Don’t let my unhappy ending stop you if you are that person. It may sound unhappy but the reality is that it is not. The happy ending to my infertility story is playing sweetly next to me right now. The smallest one dressed up like a little princess while her big brother is dressed like an elf. They have been running around in the sunshine on wild adventures all afternoon. They are my happy ending. I hope and pray that anyone reading this and seeking such beauty will find it. They are worth it. So worth it.

“He said..’I will accept the breaking sorrow which God tomorrow will to His son explain.’ Then did the turmoil deep within him cease. Not vain the word, not vain. For in Acceptance lieth Peace” (excerpt from In Acceptance Lieth Peace by Amy Carmichael)

Estrobalance has worked the first month I took it twice now, but I think that I’m ending my “winning streak” with it. It’s too early to verify that belief 100% but I know my body and my body says not this time.

The good thing is that I’m really okay with it. Surprisingly, okay. Yes, I would have loved to find that we are expecting again but I also know that I can’t see all the ins and outs of what that would mean and if God didn’t allow it then He has a good reason and I trust in His divine wisdom over my own any day. I’ve lived long enough to know when I force something I want, disregarding what He has to say on it, overlooking the obvious signs that I’m not on His best path for me or justifying my decision in my own head, it never turns out well. I wish I had no track record of such behavior, but I certainly do and I don’t want to go down that path again.

I believe that the reason I felt led to continue with our plans to take the Estrobalance was to aid in my miscarriage healing. I had to try again in order to get to where I am now which is on the other side of the darkness where I am able to feel normal again. It’s been nearly 3 months and it still stings. I am certain that it always will but I don’t think about it all the time now. I have those moments where I see a large round belly and think that I would have a nice one of those by now. I would have known the sex of the baby for awhile by now and would be buying pink or blue. Seeing a newborn baby is bittersweet. For the most part, though, my heart feels strong and I feel that the grieving has ended. This month of trying again has brought about the final chapter in that grieving process. Well, maybe not the final chapter but definitely one of the later chapters where the happy ending is beginning to unfold.

Will I try again? Hard to say. The Estrobalance just didn’t agree with my system this time and so I know that it isn’t something I can just take all the time. I wasn’t consistent with it because of that and positive that my inability to take it the proper way contributed to my lack of success with it this month. I’m taking my Red Raspberry Leaf capsules to regulate my hormones gently and will continue to do my very best to listen carefully to what my Father is speaking to me on the subject. Right now my life is so consumed with moving and taking care of the 3 amazing children that I already have that I feel full and at peace with the way things are.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the road I’ve been on since the last miscarriage and have come to some conclusions that are beginning to make some sense to me. I would have never chosen to lose my last 2 babies, but without those losses I would have never began this blog and my hope is that their short lives somehow set the wheels in motion to get information needed to would-be mamas out there so that new babies will be brought into this world. After the move is settled and my head stops spinning I am going to give this blog the attention it deserves so that it can be used in the way I dreamed it would be. So stay tuned!

Did I ovulate or not? Not sure. By now I should have but it’s really unclear to me. I’m assuming that I have. I usually can tell the exact day but not this month. I was inconsistent with taking the Estrobalance oscillating between taking 2 a day to 1 a day to several 0 a day. Life is just a little too unstable right now with all the changes going on. Moving is a big deal. It always sounds easier than it actually is…so many details that are so easily overlooked or just underestimated. The good thing, though, is that I am at peace over this month. Whether our goal was achieved or not I am still fine. Yes, I want another baby but I know that if it is meant to happen then it will and it will happen when it’s the right time. I still believe very much that it could be this month but if not there’s always next month and maybe I can be settled enough to take my supplements more consistently. Of course, even though I truly mean that it won’t keep me from spending the next two weeks analyzing every twinge, cramp, tenderness or bout of nauseousness. Am I more tired than usual? Am I peeing more? Hmmmm…is that smell making me sick??? Time to buckle up for the rollercoaster ride of the 2 week wait. At least, packing and moving should keep me somewhat distracted. I can test the day after we move into the new house. New house, new beginning??? I can hope so.

I’m having some difficulties with the Estrobalance. Interesting when I look back upon my experience with this supplement that the first time I took it I do not recall any issues at all with stomach upset. Then when I took it again 3 years ago, I do remember having some problems. At first, I didn’t correlate it with the Estrobalance since it didn’t happen the first time I took it but after a couple of weeks I began to suspect that the tummy troubles were a result of taking it. I was further convinced when it disappeared as soon as the product was stopped. This time around it has been even more severe. After 4 days of taking it, I began to feel like I was being poisoned. I continued until day 10 but then realized that baby or no baby I was really not going to be able to keep it up. I took a breather for a day and let my system rest and then picked it back up 2 days ago just taking 1 a day instead of the 2 that I have taken before. I have no idea if that will affect it’s effectiveness or not, but it’s really all I can do.

I have spent hours on the internet trying to find any info on why it is causing this disturbing side effect. Nothing. I can find no research that indicates that it has any side effects at all. The active ingredient in it is DIM and it has been hailed as being very safe with no side effects. I found no evidence that it causes any sort of intestinal issues whatsoever. However, Estrobalance does contain lecithin and although that is a healthy ingredient in large doses it can have the undesirable effect that I have been experiencing. I suspect that could be my problem. Too much lecithin or a sensitivity to lecithin. Of course, that is just my uneducated opinion from an evening surfing the net.

I have felt better on the 1 a day. Still a bit of nausea but just a touch. If anyone is reading this and trying it out I just want you to forewarned that this could occur and I would really like to hear from you if it does. I don’t know if it is just me or not. If I do get pregnant with the 1 a day I think that I’m going to change the recommendation on my site to just 1 a day. I want others to get that baby that they want but I would love to have them suffer as little as possible to get that desire.

I have not been posting like I want to but I do have a good excuse. We’re moving! We are looking all over for our next house and I have spent nearly every day driving all over the place looking at possibilities. It’s a difficult and frustrating job but exciting at the same time. However, we, at this point, are just ready to find the right home for us.

Today I got AF and so today is when I am to begin the Estrobalance. With all the new changes, I was unclear if we should proceed but we decided to not let the move put our plans on hold. We’re not getting any younger, and we’re ready. I didn’t take any today, though, because I started in the afternoon and we’ve been running around all day. I’ll start tomorrow. Although, I may end up taking at least a dose tonight. Ironically, I started while at my friend’s baby shower. Which, by the way, turned out so great.

It will be interesting to see if the stress of the move will mean that we don’t get pregnant the first month like we have in the past. Also, curious whether my age will make it less effective. I’m 36 now. I’ve also been eating dairy and I wasn’t the other two times. I’m eating organic, hormone free dairy and not a bunch of it but wondering whether eating it will have any different effect. Didn’t I say once that I felt like a science experiment? Well, yeah…I am. I’d really hate to break my get-pregnant-the-first-month-I-take-it record, but it will be good to see what variables contribute to it’s effectiveness.

It’s been about 6 weeks now since I did the Master Cleanse and I’m still benefitting from it.
The most obvious way I know is that I have truly lost my sweet tooth. I still have no desire for anything sweet. At least, not anything sweeter than a muffin made with honey or some agave nectar in a cup of tea. I like a bit of natural sweetener here or there but the thought of a Snicker bar or cheesecake or a cinnamon roll…anything sugary sweet does not sound appealing. That is incredible to me. I had a HUGE sweet tooth! I used to wonder what in the world people were thinking when they would say things like, “Oh it’s so sweet. I can’t eat all of that, it’s just too rich”. I didn’t meet anything sweet that I couldn’t eat a whole lot of. To me, nothing was “too sweet”. Today at the shower I was given a scone with lemon curd and coddled cream. I knew it had white sugar in it and was about to pass but I didn’t want to be rude so I accepted it. I took a bite and it was delicious but very difficult for me to eat…it was just too sweet. I’ve become one of those too sweet people! I never thought it could happen to me. It’s giving me hope that I can stay on the healthy food diet for the long term, though, this time around.

Hmmmmm…moving and morning sickness…I must be crazy.

Day 2 of eating after the Master Cleanse and I think that I’m hording! It has all been very healthy food, but I find that I am eating more than usual. Making up for lost time? I really didn’t want to do that but I missed food so much that it is so hard to resist.

I just hope I can maintain the super healthy eating long enough to get my period and start my Estrobalance. Yes, I am nearly certain that I just had my first post-miscarriage AF and will have to wait another month to try again. I didn’t take the Estrobalance this time not knowing for sure what was going on. I hope that the Master Cleanse will still have a good effect by then and I don’t mess up all the good it did sometime this month. I sure feel like a science experiment sometimes.

Yes, I am cutting the Master Cleanse a bit short but I feel very successful, anyway, and am proud of myself for making it a week. I really believe that I could continue until Sunday as originally planned but I feel like it’s time to stop. There are 3 days of “breaking the fast” where I still can’t eat and that will put me at Monday to be able to eat again. I like the idea of starting off next week with a fresh start. Tomorrow I replace the lemon drink with orange juice but still no food. On Saturday I will drink OJ all day and then have some vegetable broth for dinner. Finally, on Sunday I can have some vegetable soup. After that, it’s back to eating a variety of healthy foods…yea!

I think I may have gotten AF back but not sure. The last of my miscarriage spotting ended last Monday, just 10 days before this came, and from what I have read that means that it isn’t real AF but still miscarriage. However, it came nearly exactly 28 days from the day of the actual miscarriage and it seems just like a period, so I just don’t know what to think. I’m a little bummed because I was hoping that I would get my period after the cleanse and then I could start my Estrobalance but I don’t want to do it if this is still just a continuation of the miscarriage. I had heard that I could start bleeding again while doing the cleanse since it could cause more tissue to be released so maybe that’s what it is. I don’t know but if it is really AF it means that I have a whole month to wait before we can try again and that is hard for me to accept, although I know that it is healthy to have some time in between the miscarriage and a new pregnancy. I’m just being impatient.

Yes, by the looks of my last post I hid out for a day in order to not admit to my miserable failure with the Master Cleanse! I’m happy to report that I have persevered and am now on day 5 of NO FOOD. It hasn’t been easy. The most tempting part is not to binge but to just put a piece of popcorn in my mouth when the kids are eating it or a slice of cheese while I am preparing a cheese and crackers snack for them. One little cheddar bunny wouldn’t hurt, right? Wrong. I know that even a bite of something at this point would mess with the whole cleanse and I’ve come too far now to do anything to sabotage my hard work.

I do feel like my tummy is revolting in a way, though. It seems that yesterday and today I have been hungrier. The first few days I really wasn’t hungry and then I was only that way at night when I stopped drinking the lemon concoction so that I didn’t spend the entire night with a full bladder and running to the bathroom. I like my sleep too much for that. Now I am finding myself getting hungry soon after drinking my lemonade and that is frustrating. I think that maybe I am going too long between drinks or something. I don’t know but it’s been a challenge to not give in to that hunger. Knowing that when I go to bed tonight I will be halfway to my goal is a good feeling, though, and is keeping me going today.

On a completely different subject, I was reminded today of the anguish of infertility after speaking to someone who I found is going through it. It is a pain that even after getting through it 5 years ago, now, is still so fresh to me. I don’t think that I will ever get over it and, in some ways, I hope that I don’t. As long as it is fresh then my heart is still tender towards those experiencing it. I don’t take my children for granted. I know how hard they were to get in my arms and I still know how awful it was when I couldn’t see them in my future and didn’t know whether I would ever hold another baby to my breast again.

I was thinking about my previous post, Decisions, when I was wondering why my husband and I just can’t stop trying to have more babies. There was a time when I would have given anything to have one baby, then those 6 years of so desperately wanting just one more. It would seem that after 3 we would just be happy with what we have. We are SO happy! It’s not that we are not content with what we have. If my uterus fell out tomorrow I would have no regrets (well, other than the mess-sorry, I know…gross). I am completely content with the amazing family that the LORD has given us. For us it’s a different story than those that take their reproduction for granted. After spending so many years hoping for a child we came to value them in a way that is beyond words and stand in awe at the miraculous way in which everything must come together just perfectly for them to get here. To beg God to make us fertile, and then to go and put and end to that incredible ability that he gave us seems completely selfish and ungrateful. We just can’t do it. We’ll take as few or as many as He chooses to give. Our efforts to “help things along” are only done when we feel His leading. Even though, the diet and supplements have worked for us before, it is still God who is ultimately in charge of their success each time and we know this.