I wasn’t sure that it was possible (and I reserve the right to take it all back at some time in the future…cause you know how hormones can be!) but I have to report that I have experienced freedom from my overwhelming desire to have another baby this month. I have felt release. Sweet release. I have had waxing and waning over the years of that urge to bear life, so this isn’t the first time that I’ve been “okay” with the idea that I may never have another one. However, it feels deeper this time. My soul is at peace.

I still grieve the loss of my babes that didn’t make it to this earthly life, but as time has passed I am more and more comforted by the fact that this life is but a moment…a small dot on the time line of my total existence. I have been given three incredible children that warm up each day of it and make this short time on earth so full and joyful. I am wholly content with the prospect of spending the rest of my life watching them grow and become the men and woman that the LORD has created them to be. I have 3 more that I get to spend eternity with. The large family I always dreamed of is awaiting me in the not so distant future and will be my reality forever.

For now I have THREE kids that surround me each day! Three amazing, brilliant, beautiful children that race into my bedroom each morning, jump into my bed and shower me with kisses (okay…two kids that do that…one is 13!). Yes, the truth is, because of this I have had a hard time letting go of having more because I know that one day they will all be too old to jump in my bed and shower me with kisses, but I feel like I am finally coming to terms with the seasons of my life. While having babies and small children has certainly been my favorite season so far, I cannot cling to it refusing to let it go when there are still more seasons that await me. While I hang on tightly refusing to loosen my grip on having babies I get stuck and I don’t want to be stuck. Being stuck causes me to close my heart to other happinesses…more blessings that the Father wants me to behold.

My heart breaks for those who still haven’t experienced the unexplicable joy of holding their child in their arms for the first time and for those who haven’t yet gotten their own release. That is why I will keep this site up even though (for now) my baby struggles are over…finally. My heart has let go and freedom is beautiful.

….now IF the LORD should decide that another baby should come my way, though, I certainly wouldn’t be sad.

I have a grateful heart and open hands and soul that has been released.

Obviously, my posts have been few and far between and I apologize for that. Problem is, that I just don’t know where to go with all of this anymore. More and more in my spirit I am going back to where I was a few posts ago after the Estrobalance made me so sick. I think He is just saying “no” and yet I let this circumstance or that one push me back into the pursuit instead of surrendering completely.

We really gave it our best shot this month. My husband wants another one (or two) and so I started out the month ready to oblige. We also have a vacation coming up next week that has been planned for months and wouldn’t you know it…AF is due the day we leave. That gave us even more motivation to succeed! I never could really agree with the book I spoke about in the last post. It just doesn’t line up for me. I was really rubbed the wrong way with the “ordering up” of children before conception down to what kind of eye and hair color/texture they would have as well as the sex. I just can’t see my dear LORD as a heavenly vending machine. Now, that may seem like a harsh criticism and I know that I am oversimplifying what the author stated, but that’s just how it comes across to me and makes it difficult for me to get past it. On the other hand, I have learned the art of “chewing up the meat and spitting out the bones” and I have to admit that I did feel that it spoke to me in some areas of my life and I was changed a bit by it. The month started out hopeful that with my new positive outlook that I had received through remembering that children are a gift from God and are His idea and His will and that my desires were God-given, that we were going to succeed even without the Estrobalance. It’s not looking like I did, though. Maybe I just didn’t do enough “confessing”. I don’t know.

So, I am off to the beach in a couple of days to spend a week enjoying the gifts that have already been given and putting this behind me for now. I really do have so much in my life. I don’t know why I think I need more.

Does the desire for more children ever really go away? I know many moms who were absolutely 100 percent DONE after a couple of kids. Why don’t I get that feeling? Were they just saying that or were they really absolutely 100 percent sure that they did not ever want to hold another baby of their own in their arms? Where does this desire come from?

My life has taken a serious turn in the past month. My 5 year old son has been diagnosed with epilepsy and my days have been consumed with dealing with all that means. His neurologist has prescribed a standard pharmaceutical but has given us the freedom to do our own research and decide for ourselves the best route to take in order to treat it with the least amount of side effects or long term effect worries since he knows that we would like to keep him off of a drug if at all possible. It may or may not be possible. We are carefully and prayerfully weighing the pros and cons of each treatment direction. First and foremost, we want the absolute best for him. So, needless to say, the baby thoughts have been overshadowed by this new development as my focus has been on taking care of my little guy, but they haven’t gone away. In fact, my husband is now saying that he really wants another one (or two!) again and that really changes things.

Interesting enough, too, a couple of weeks ago an acquaintance of mine called me out of the blue and said that I have been on her mind and she was sending me a book in the mail. I’ve waited and waited for a book to arrive and it finally did yesterday. It’s called Supernatural Childbirth. I’ve heard of it before and, honestly, my impression was that it was kooky. I had heard that it told you how to have a pain free childbirth if only you had enough faith. Well, it does, basically, state that but it is more than that and had a lot to say about miscarriage, infertility and preconception. I’m wrestling with some ideas in it right now after reading it. It is out of the realm of the way I normally think, but I can’t say that it is wrong. The book is about having faith and really believing that our pregnancies, births and babies will be perfect because it is what God promises in His Word. Christ’s death took away the curse of sickness and pain and if we have enough faith to believe that then all will go well with us. The author lists scripture “confessions” that are to be repeated over and over until they become embedded into our hearts and minds and the book has testimony after testimony of those who have experienced miraculous pregnancies and births after applying the principals.

I don’t know if the LORD led my friend to send me the book. Even if I did embrace all that it says, I honestly don’t know if I can muster up the kind of faith that it would take. The thought of getting pregnant again without the Estrobalance seems impossible and the thought of carrying the baby to term seems impossible and those thoughts are the absolute opposite of faith, but they are so real to me. So, since I don’t know what to think I have begun praying for God to build my faith. I am like the man who said to Jesus, “Lord, I believe. Help me with my unbelief.” I can totally relate to that.

I feel like I am on the edge of a battlefield right now and I just want to run away screaming, but the reward for victory is so amazing that I can’t run away…yet I can’t quite get on the battlefield, either. Do I battle or not? What if I’m just not strong enough? The agony of defeat is just still so real.

On this bald hill the new year hones its edge.
Faceless and pale as china
The round sky goes on minding its business.
Your absence is inconspicuous;
Nobody can tell what I lack.
(excerpt from Parliament Hill Fields by Sylvia Plath)

Not a big country music fan, but this got me.

Today was the day we were supposed to meet you and we are sad. Good-bye Luke…(that’s what your big brother wanted your name to be so that’s what we call you). You know that you are my Liam, though. That’s the real name you would have been given today. So let me say it right.

Good bye, dear Liam, my sweet baby who will never know anything but Heaven. I cling tightly to the hope of holding you in my arms some day. You are forever in my heart. Your mark is deep and will never be erased. I love you and miss you more than I can express.

God has made it clear to me…no more Estrobalance and I am relieved. I am SO very thankful for finding the cure for my infertility and I will continue to spread the good news to anyone that I come into contact with that could use the information, but my days with it are over and it’s finally crystal clear that I will no longer use it. Could there be more babies in the future? Sure. I still have open hands, but this is not the direction I will take any longer.

Again, it is incredible stuff and an answer to many prayers. So why I am I sure that I will no longer use it? Simple. I’ve developed an allergic reaction to it! Nothing could be clearer than that, huh?! I’m thankful that it is finally cut and dry for me and I can finally see where to go from here. Don’t worry if you are taking it. I have searched day after day hour after hour for any info on the internet about it causing adverse reactions and haven’t found a thing! As far as I can tell I am a completely isolated case and it has only developed over time. I had no problems with it the first time I took it and only mild problems with it the second time. The third time (which is recorded earlier in this blog) I had a hard time with it and then I’ve taken it for one day once last month and once this month and this last time I seriously thought I was dying! It the middle of vomiting, etc. at 2:00am I cried out to God and told Him that I would stop being stubborn if He would just stop me from being so severely sick. Within seconds I literally began to feel better. I crawled (yes…crawled) back to bed and I knew once and for all that that part of my life is done and I felt relief. Not relief that I may not have another baby, but relief that my mind could stop going back and forth over what I am supposed to do. Could it be more clear? I don’t think so.

My job now is to let others know about this new avenue of hope when they are lost and hurting from the pain of infertility. It’s not about me, anymore, it’s about sharing this with others. Isn’t it so cool how God not only gave me an answer for my problems but how He made it clear to me, not only when to use it, but when to stop using it. How awesome is that??? I don’t know how in the world I could live this life without His guidance. I really mean that. Sometimes, it seems that He is so silent or that He is just refusing to give me that guidance and then when it’s time, it all unfolds and His plan is revealed. Sometimes, it takes minutes, sometimes days, many times it takes months but often it takes years. He never fails to lead, though, as long as I continue to follow.

So, my plan now is to just trust. I am going to start on Arbonne’s progesterone cream this month after ovulation and if I don’t have any problems then I will continue to do that to try to regulate my hormones for other reasons other than fertility. Estrogen dominance causes way more problems than just infertility and I still want to get some control over it. The progesterone cream will also give me the added security that if I were to conceive again at some point I would have extra progesterone in my system and, hopefully, a better outcome. Interestingly enough, the LORD led me to an Arbonne representative months ago who was dealing with secondary infertility. It was just as I began this blog and she began following the plan on here and I’m so thrilled to announce that she is currently moving into her second trimester! Yea!! Now, she gets to help me by ordering my Arbonne cream, which from everything that I have read is an awesome product and I can’t wait to try it out.

It feels good to not be struggling with my next step. The only problem right now is dealing with my upcoming due date. Miscarried Baby #2 was due July 12 and as the date approaches the grief is coming back in waves. It hits me hard and unexpectedly, but I know that I will get through it. It’s just all part of the healing.

So, I’ve been MIA for a few weeks trying to recover from our last blow. I’ve been doing well for the most part taking the time to refocus on what I do have and not what I don’t. Since our recent move I have had a hard time getting back on track with our daily routine and none of my family members function as well as we could when we aren’t on one. Without it, I often feel as if I am just spinning my wheels everyday and never really accomplishing much. My husband and my children mean the world to me and I needed to get my mind off babies and pregnancy and look to the gifts that I am already surrounded with. So I got everything up and running again and it felt good. I had a small nagging suspicion somewhere deep down that I was not properly mourning this last miscarriage but I kept it at bey. After all, I had ordered my silver heart forget-me-not memorial necklace (which, by the way, is beautiful!) and made my video and moved on.

Monday morning I had my last blood draw at the midwife’s office to make sure that my numbers were all the way back down. I woke up that morning with AF in full force so I knew that they were but I went anyway. I’m glad that I did because the midwife that I saw was very kind and I enjoyed talking it out a little with her. She went ahead and gave me a prescription for progesterone supplements so that I would be prepared if I were to become pregnant again. The midwives believe that I need the supplements to carry a pregnancy and, although I carried my 3rd pregnancy fine without them, they are probably right in that. I needed supplementation with my 2nd and since my problems conceiving are hormonal it only makes sense that my problem carrying them to term now, would be hormonal as well. So, although getting that last blood draw and sitting in the waiting room with happily pregnant women was tough, I left feeling hopeful that I might get another chance and I had my prescription to get me through.

The good feeling didn’t last, though. I’m not getting another chance. Last night, my dear husband told me he was done. He doesn’t want me to get pregnant again and we will no longer use any supplementation to conceive. Without it, I won’t. It’s that simple. Oh, I know that God can work miracles and I could have a surprise down the road but that is little consolation and in some ways makes it worse. There’s finality without true finality. I get to spend each month wondering and no matter how hard I try not to, hoping, and I’ve been there too many times already. I don’t like that place.

That’s where I am at, though. I know that I could fight it. I know that I have legitimate reasons why we should keep trying and could probably convince him, otherwise, if I really tried. Instead, I am choosing to submit. That is what I am called to do, anyway. The Bible doesn’t say how many children I should have. I haven’t found there any clear answers on whether we should use Estrobalance again or not. I know that it is clear on one thing, though. It is clear that I should submit to my husband and so that is what I am doing. I’m doing my best not to be mopey or depressed (subtle manipulation-I know he’ll do what he can to make me happy)but to continue on with a good attitude despite my broken heart. I’m not a saint. I’m not a martyr. The truth is, it’s all I CAN do. First, it’s what I’m called to do, but beyond that I can’t in anyway take a pill and become pregnant with my husband not fully on board with that. What if the progesterone supplements don’t work and I miscarry again. By my manipulation I have put him through that all over again. What if they do work and I carry the baby to term and something is wrong with it? Again, I forced it. What if they work and I give birth to a beautiful healthy baby. My husband is overjoyed and everything is just as I wanted it. I then find him working extra late and avoiding being with the family because he can’t handle 4 kids. The what-ifs could go on and on, but I think the point is made. I can’t FORCE this! Oh, how my very nature cries out for me to, but I can’t. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for keeping me in check. Please continue to give me strength.

So, here I sit. I believe that nagging suspicion that I hadn’t fully grieved was right. I feel like I have been hit full force by the gravity of the situation and bawled my eyes out last night. It’s so hard right now but I know that this is the low point. The grief is hitting me finally. The loss of 3 little babies and the loss of hope of more all at once is a bit overwhelming right now. On top of that, trying my best to not make my husband feel guilty (totally going against my nature) is difficult when I am hurting so much and in my stubborn head feel like the only relief is to try again.

I think that I may have to give the blog a rest for a while. Immersing myself in baby thoughts is not healthy for me right now but I do want to keep this site up. I believe that it contains information that will be helpful for someone out there. Don’t let my unhappy ending stop you if you are that person. It may sound unhappy but the reality is that it is not. The happy ending to my infertility story is playing sweetly next to me right now. The smallest one dressed up like a little princess while her big brother is dressed like an elf. They have been running around in the sunshine on wild adventures all afternoon. They are my happy ending. I hope and pray that anyone reading this and seeking such beauty will find it. They are worth it. So worth it.

“He said..’I will accept the breaking sorrow which God tomorrow will to His son explain.’ Then did the turmoil deep within him cease. Not vain the word, not vain. For in Acceptance lieth Peace” (excerpt from In Acceptance Lieth Peace by Amy Carmichael)

So, after 3 losses and using other people’s videos with each one as a tribute, I decided to try to make my very own. I had no idea where to start but found that it wasn’t too difficult, just very time consuming. That was welcome to me right now because it was a distraction of sorts to focus for so many hours on something where I was still dealing with my grief but in a productive way instead of just sitting around and over-analyzing it all. I took my favorite miscarriage tribute song and paired it with images that really spoke to me, personally. I’m happy with the result. I may still tweak it some here and there, but I think for a first try it’s not too bad.

For Our Babies In Heaven

Balance Estrogen Naturally With Diindolylmethane (dim) Broccoli Extract

Author: Darrell Miller

Have you ever noticed the difference between men and women’s ability to lose weight? A man can simply stop eating junk food and two weeks later will have lost ten pounds. On the other hand, after hours in a gym and weeks of calorie counting many women will have not lost a pound. The main reason for this huge difference is an imbalance of too much estrogen as compared to lower levels of progesterone, which is called estrogen dominance. This imbalance leads to weight gain and obesity, as well as cervical dysplasia, breast, uterine, and ovarian cancers. Up until now, women have been told that the only way to treat a hormone related health problem is to take additional hormones. However, the correct answer is finding a balance of hormones, which can be done by using diindolylmethane (DIM), a powerful nutrient that is found in broccoli, cauliflower and other vegetables that have a direct effect on hormone balance. This does not mean that eating broccoli will eliminate estrogen dominance. When broccoli is chewed, plant enzymes are activated that release healthy compounds. However, many of these compounds are too unstable to constantly provide health benefits. In turn, these unstable compounds lead to the release of diindolylmethane, which is a very stable compound. Although broccoli is a very nutritious vegetable, we would have to eat at least two pounds of broccoli each and every day in order to get the adequate amounts of DIM. Thanks to ongoing research, the development of a stable pure DIM dietary supplement with special absorption enhancing formulas has been created. These DIM supplements can easily and efficiently restore hormonal balance and eliminate the symptoms of estrogen dominance.

The estrogen hormone tells cells in the body to grow. Throughout our lives, estrogen has important a vital functions such as orchestrating menstruation from the time we reach puberty through the time we reach menopause, keeping our bones strong, and maintaining low cholesterol levels. Estrogen is made in our ovaries and then sent through our bloodstream, where it comes in contact with every cell in our body. However, only certain cells with estrogen receptors will respond to its presence.

Estrogen dominance is characterized by an abundance of symptoms. Some of these symptoms include: mood swings, feeling anxious, painful periods, sore breasts, hot flashes, night sweats, foggy thinking, low libido, problematic PMS, and stubborn weight gain. It can begin by exposure to estrogen mimics (xenoestrogens), which are certain chemicals in the environment such as pesticides, plastics, soaps, emulsifiers, household cleaning products, and even car exhaust. These estrogen mimics look and act enough like natural estrogens that our body accepts them as estrogen. They latch on to estrogen receptors on cancer cells, and signal the cancer cell to grow and divide, making the cancer spread. They can also latch onto estrogen receptors on healthy cells and send false signals, or block the natural estrogen hormone from binding to its receptor, causing more estrogen to circulate in the bloodstream. Estrogen dominance can also be caused by a slow estrogen metabolism. If the rate of the metabolism that breaks down estrogen after they complete the activity on their target cells is too slow, an excess of unmetabolized estrogen is left circulating the body.

Researchers have also discovered that estrogen can be metabolized in two different pathways in the liver, which results in two different kinds of estrogen, “good” and “bad” estrogen. “Good” estrogen metabolites are released into the bloodstream there they cause many of the benefits estrogen provides, such as prevention of heart disease, and strong, healthy bones. “Bad” estrogen, in large quantities, can result in many health problems including autoimmune disorders, breast cancer, cervical dysplasia, clinical depression, fibroid tumors, infertility, magnesium deficiency, osteoporosis, ovarian cancer, uterine cancer, and zinc deficiency.

When dealing with estrogen dominance, it is not a good idea to take more progesterone to even out hormonal balance. Taking more progesterone won’t necessarily restore hormonal balance. Rather, it might be metabolized into more estrogen, resulting in an even greater hormonal imbalance and greater estrogen dominance. Instead, one should take the DIM supplement, which improves hormonal balance and eliminated estrogen dominance by shifting the way that estrogen is metabolized in our body. This creates more “good” estrogen metabolites and less “bad” estrogen metabolites. Although it does not increase or decrease estrogen levels, it directs how the estrogen is metabolized.

Research has suggested that DIM may also help to prevent breast cancer. After studying a group of women for periods up to nineteen years, the women who developed breast cancer were noted to have a significantly lower ratio of “good” estrogen metabolites as compared to “bad” estrogen metabolites. In comparison, those who did not develop breast cancer had a high ratio of “good” estrogen metabolites to “bad” estrogen metabolites. Scientists have determined that DIM actually inhibits the growth of cancer cells. It enhances the activity of enzymes found in certain pathways of the liver, which are important for the healthy estrogen metabolism that reduces the risk of cancer development.

When buying a DIM supplement, it is suggested that you read the label of the DIM product you’re going to buy. Be certain that you are getting 120 mg of DIM complex, which is standardized to 30 mg DIM per dose. Because DIM is very hard to absorb, the products needs to be in a specialized complex that improves bioavailability. Although most women only need one dose of DIM per day, women suffering with a large amount of estrogen dominance symptoms may find greater relief by doubling the dose and taking DIM twice a day. Because some women may have a minor stomach ache after taking DIM, taking the supplement with food will eliminate the problem. Research of DIM’s safety has shown no harmful effects, even when the doses were at hundreds of times the amount provided in the supplements. A common side effect of DIM is a harmless changing of the color of your urine. Because these changes can occur when you eat a large amount of broccoli or asparagus also, drinking 6-8 glasses of water per day will solve the problem.

If you have estrogen dominance, adding more hormones will only put you at a greater risk for cancer. Instead, restore your hormonal balance by taking the powerful, all-natural DIM supplement. DIM can be found at your local Health Food Store or Internet Health Food Store.

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/health-articles/balance-estrogen-naturally-with-diindolylmethane-dim-broccoli-extract-101806.html

About the Author:
Visit VitaNet Health Foods at http://vitanetonline.com/ VitaNet sells high quality supplements like DIM for Estrogen Balance . Please link to this site when using this article.