Yes, by the looks of my last post I hid out for a day in order to not admit to my miserable failure with the Master Cleanse! I’m happy to report that I have persevered and am now on day 5 of NO FOOD. It hasn’t been easy. The most tempting part is not to binge but to just put a piece of popcorn in my mouth when the kids are eating it or a slice of cheese while I am preparing a cheese and crackers snack for them. One little cheddar bunny wouldn’t hurt, right? Wrong. I know that even a bite of something at this point would mess with the whole cleanse and I’ve come too far now to do anything to sabotage my hard work.

I do feel like my tummy is revolting in a way, though. It seems that yesterday and today I have been hungrier. The first few days I really wasn’t hungry and then I was only that way at night when I stopped drinking the lemon concoction so that I didn’t spend the entire night with a full bladder and running to the bathroom. I like my sleep too much for that. Now I am finding myself getting hungry soon after drinking my lemonade and that is frustrating. I think that maybe I am going too long between drinks or something. I don’t know but it’s been a challenge to not give in to that hunger. Knowing that when I go to bed tonight I will be halfway to my goal is a good feeling, though, and is keeping me going today.

On a completely different subject, I was reminded today of the anguish of infertility after speaking to someone who I found is going through it. It is a pain that even after getting through it 5 years ago, now, is still so fresh to me. I don’t think that I will ever get over it and, in some ways, I hope that I don’t. As long as it is fresh then my heart is still tender towards those experiencing it. I don’t take my children for granted. I know how hard they were to get in my arms and I still know how awful it was when I couldn’t see them in my future and didn’t know whether I would ever hold another baby to my breast again.

I was thinking about my previous post, Decisions, when I was wondering why my husband and I just can’t stop trying to have more babies. There was a time when I would have given anything to have one baby, then those 6 years of so desperately wanting just one more. It would seem that after 3 we would just be happy with what we have. We are SO happy! It’s not that we are not content with what we have. If my uterus fell out tomorrow I would have no regrets (well, other than the mess-sorry, I know…gross). I am completely content with the amazing family that the LORD has given us. For us it’s a different story than those that take their reproduction for granted. After spending so many years hoping for a child we came to value them in a way that is beyond words and stand in awe at the miraculous way in which everything must come together just perfectly for them to get here. To beg God to make us fertile, and then to go and put and end to that incredible ability that he gave us seems completely selfish and ungrateful. We just can’t do it. We’ll take as few or as many as He chooses to give. Our efforts to “help things along” are only done when we feel His leading. Even though, the diet and supplements have worked for us before, it is still God who is ultimately in charge of their success each time and we know this.