Wow…just when it looks like the skies are beginning to clear I found myself bawling this morning while cleaning up the kitchen.  I was feeling blue yesterday.  My parents and niece came to visit this weekend to celebrate Christmas with us since we were unable to go visit them as planned because of the miscarriage.  We had a really nice time but as soon as they left I began feeling even more down than usual.  It was a really gloomy day outside, rainy and cold and I stayed in all day.  We didn’t go to church since by the time my family made it out the door it was really too late to get it all together to go.  Church would have been a good thing for me but it didn’t happen.  I think the weather was a contributor to my sadness, but Christmas being over, my parents leaving, and lingering melancholy from the miscarriage all added to the mix.  I began to have those “I should be pregnant right now” thoughts that always get me.

I decided to distract myself and take all the Christmas decorations and tree down and get my house back to normal. It felt good to get the house picked up and it looked so much bigger and uncluttered which was comforting, at least for a few minutes. I started hating the house. I told my husband that I want to move. I have these feelings of just wanting to move away. At least, I can recognize those thoughts as irrational. I always get them when I am in pain or under stress. I guess it’s that flee or fight response. I tend to want to go with the flee but I know that I have to fight. I have to fight to get through this hurt and to move on. I have to fight the depression that just seems to dangle in front of me like a carrot, beckoning me to give in to it. It won’t win, though. I may grieve but I won’t drown in the pain.

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed” (2 Corinthians 7-9)“

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 16-18)