The last of the due dates to get through and I pray that it is the last “due date” that I ever have that does not come with a live baby. Remarkably, though, I have been absolutely fine today and, to be perfectly honest, did not even think about it until tonight. Part of me feels like that is an injustice to my baby that was never born into this world, but I am sure that he/she understands that he/she was not wanted or loved any less than the others but that I have learned some hard lessons in dealing with grief since March of 2007 and I know that no amount of lamenting at this point will make any difference. The baby that should have been born today was very much wanted and her death (we felt she was a girl) was just as searing as the others. My floundering about in indecision over the past few weeks has been mourning. It seems to happen that way each time. I know the due date is approaching and I begin wrestling with my emotions. By the time the date arrives, it seems that I have already come to terms with it all and the due date is far less dramatic that I anticipate it to be. The first due date that I had to deal with was horrible. The second was much as I just described yet still difficult on the actual day but by now the due date is hardly more than any other day. Maybe it is partly because the miscarriages have become a part of me now. They are just part of who I am.

I am posting the video again that I made after this final miscarriage occurred. I have been blessed by how many views it has gotten on YouTube and by the impact it has made in the hearts of others going through their own pain. Today it is for Baby Leah, though. I am so looking forward to the day we get to finally meet face to face.

For Our Babies In Heaven

Oh, and I stopped the herb regime. I’m ready to move on again.