Upon further investigation of my heart, I am now wondering if I’m just dealing with fear. Yes, I am stubborn and, yes, it is still a real possibility that I am refusing to listen to “no”. Now, though, I am realizing that I am afraid to even think about taking the Estrobalance. Could the conclusion that I’m being stubborn just be a way of deferring what I should be doing? It sounds very noble, to accept that I’m wrong and humbly back off, but is that really what I am meant to do? Why do I have such thoughts to continue to pursue something that is so difficult? I am in a good place, now, with my 3 children and, in complete honesty, the thought of another baby coming into the house really scares me. Could I really handle 4 kids? How can I deal with the new challenges that it would represent. I feel like I finally have the handle on 3 children and I know pregnancy and a new baby will completely throw all of that off, at least for a while. I’m also not young anymore. Do I really want to be raising children well into my 50’s? Will I just get too tired to be the mom I want to be? Where would I put a new baby? Our house is small. Then the biggest fear…what if I miscarry AGAIN? This is where all the confusion comes. My head says that I honestly don’t want another pregnancy. Yet, I struggle constantly with thoughts of becoming pregnant and having another baby. My heart wants another one, even though my head does not! What do I do with that? Is that God putting it into my heart and my human nature resisting? Or is it that I’m such a stubborn person that I am determined to “win” against all of these obstacles that have kept me from another baby even though, in my head, I know that another one isn’t a good idea? So now I have to determine whether I am being stubborn or I’m living out of fear. I pray that the LORD makes it clear.

I suppose that I should apologize at this point to anyone who actually reads this blog! It is such a personal journal of an often confused woman. Many things in my life are very clear and cut and dry and I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who directs my paths. There are some areas in my life where He doesn’t always make things so obvious for me. This is one of those areas and always has been. I know why He does that and I’m grateful for it, although, many times that gratitude comes after much kicking and screaming. This is an area where He grows me and fine tunes me and teaches me to listen. If it was always so obvious, then I wouldn’t spend so much time seeking and so much of His work in me could not be accomplished. So, forgive me, for the rambling, for the flip-flopping of thoughts and emotions. It is all part of the process of discerning what He is speaking to me. I am a work in progress and will never have it all figured out. I just pray that I will stay teachable and that I will choose the path of God’s best and stop getting myself in the way.