I need some prayers. My “sweet release” is in serious jeopardy. The baby struggles are back and in full force. I got AF today and it was completely expected, so it seemed nothing out of the ordinary. I’ve been busy with life and not focused on babies at all. Quite the opposite, in fact, since my mom has been staying with me for the last 3 weeks and I’ve managed to put on 2 really fun birthday parties for my little girl first, who turned 3, and next my second son, who just turned 6. Life has been a bit more chaotic than usual, but the baby desire has been the last thing on my mind. Then it hit me this afternoon after mom left…hit me hard. I’m soooooo sad.

After spending some time trying to nap but only getting consumed by my thoughts I have come to some realizations as to why I am experiencing this depression right now. Today is November 2. It came to me today that last year on this day my husband and I were reeling with excitement, joy and a bit of nervousness over a very much unexpected surprise…a positive pregnancy test! Oh, we were so shocked and thrilled. We had lost a baby several months earlier and had just lived through the due date of Baby Erin when 3 weeks later we found that we were getting our second chance. We just knew that this time it was going to be different. We even felt in our spirits that the LORD was telling us that this baby wasn’t going to be the last and we laughed with one another about how crazy it all was that we, of all people, were going to have a great big family and how even crazier it was that we were so happy with that! We even told the grandparents our feelings about baby #4 not being the last when we gave them the jaw-dropping news later on this week (a year ago). Thanksgiving was so fun, sitting around the table, knowing that next year we’d have to make a new spot. Christmas planning and shopping got even more interesting as we looked to this year and how many more presents we would be buying. Life had that incredible hope and possibility that comes so purely in those days of carrying a child within. It’s simply magical.

Now, here I sit a year later with my children another year older and without that cuddly little 3 month old on my lap. There will be no other spot around the Thanksgiving table and there will not be another stocking hanging from the mantle. On December 13, the dream was shattered and all went back to the way it was before. I was wrong to believe that my healing was complete. The brisk air and the beautiful fall leaves, the children’s birthdays and the coming of the holidays are all bringing back the pain. It’s almost too much to bear.

One thing we had right a year ago. Baby Liam was not going to be our last, after all. I have yet another due date looming before me in a couple of weeks. Instead of preparing for Baby Leah’s birth , though, I’m sitting here writing about how bad it all hurts and falling back into the questions that rob me of my release. I just want it all back.

I know that I need to go spend some time with my Heavenly Father, but I do ask for your prayers. I know that this will pass, but for now it is hard and it hurts and I’m not feeling very strong. I certainly don’t want to sit around wasting time on self-pity. I have so much to be grateful for…I really do…and I know that. Losing a baby, no matter how early on or even after having 10 other children is so devastating. Any of you that have gone through it knows that. I am so thankful to have the 3 children that I do but I still long for the 3 that I don’t…that I never even got to hold or whisper to them that I love them. My heart is broken and I wonder if it will ever truly heal. So please, if you would, say a prayer for me that I will once again regain the strength to persevere and stay in that place of assurance of God’s great love and plan for me and for my family and that I would not be consumed by the ache of my heart. I don’t like feeling this way and I’m ready to leave it behind.

I wasn’t sure that it was possible (and I reserve the right to take it all back at some time in the future…cause you know how hormones can be!) but I have to report that I have experienced freedom from my overwhelming desire to have another baby this month. I have felt release. Sweet release. I have had waxing and waning over the years of that urge to bear life, so this isn’t the first time that I’ve been “okay” with the idea that I may never have another one. However, it feels deeper this time. My soul is at peace.

I still grieve the loss of my babes that didn’t make it to this earthly life, but as time has passed I am more and more comforted by the fact that this life is but a moment…a small dot on the time line of my total existence. I have been given three incredible children that warm up each day of it and make this short time on earth so full and joyful. I am wholly content with the prospect of spending the rest of my life watching them grow and become the men and woman that the LORD has created them to be. I have 3 more that I get to spend eternity with. The large family I always dreamed of is awaiting me in the not so distant future and will be my reality forever.

For now I have THREE kids that surround me each day! Three amazing, brilliant, beautiful children that race into my bedroom each morning, jump into my bed and shower me with kisses (okay…two kids that do that…one is 13!). Yes, the truth is, because of this I have had a hard time letting go of having more because I know that one day they will all be too old to jump in my bed and shower me with kisses, but I feel like I am finally coming to terms with the seasons of my life. While having babies and small children has certainly been my favorite season so far, I cannot cling to it refusing to let it go when there are still more seasons that await me. While I hang on tightly refusing to loosen my grip on having babies I get stuck and I don’t want to be stuck. Being stuck causes me to close my heart to other happinesses…more blessings that the Father wants me to behold.

My heart breaks for those who still haven’t experienced the unexplicable joy of holding their child in their arms for the first time and for those who haven’t yet gotten their own release. That is why I will keep this site up even though (for now) my baby struggles are over…finally. My heart has let go and freedom is beautiful.

….now IF the LORD should decide that another baby should come my way, though, I certainly wouldn’t be sad.

I have a grateful heart and open hands and soul that has been released.

So, my story is getting kind of boring.
I have had this idea for a long time but wasn’t sure about it. See, I really want this site to be interactive. I want to hear about you more than I want to talk about me. This site began as a way for me to vent all my feelings as I went through my second miscarriage and as a way to spread the word about the remarkable recovery from infertility that I experienced through diet and supplements so others could get their happy ending. Well, I have vented (and vented) and will continue to as events unfold in my own journey. I want to hear from others more, though, and I want BabyStruggles to be a community of individuals who can relate and encourage one another through the ups and downs of realizing our dreams of motherhood. I want others to be able to share their success stories because what works for some of us may not for all of us but had it not been for a message board that I stumbled upon nearly 7 years ago I may not have had my own miracle children. I dream of BabyStruggles being a place where others will find the information that they need to make their desires a reality the same way I did. I desire a place where we can uplift one another spiritually as fellow Believers or love and encourage those who are not.

I just set the board up today and I’m publicly stating at this moment that I am in no way knowledgeable about operating a message board so please bear with me as we make it work! Please take a minute and join, though, so we can build it. You will find the link in the sidebar…kind of far down until I can figure out how to move it up some. I look forward to building community with you!

Boy, did we need that! Our vacation was absolutely wonderful despite the fact that AF DID make her ugly appearance the day that we left just as scheduled. I was determined not to let that spoil the week for us, though, and for the most part I didn’t. I tried to soak up every bit of peace and tranquility that surrounded me. We aren’t exactly “beach people”. My husband and I are about the fairest skinned people you may ever meet and I can’t stand going to the beach during “swimsuit competition season”. Obviously we aren’t sunbathers or anything, but the beauty and power of the sea draws us to it, nonetheless. Because of our distaste for typical beach culture, we like to go in the off season and we prefer the remote beaches of Cape Hatteras on the Outer Banks of NC. So that’s where we have been for the past week and neither one of us wanted to come back home.

I want to thank each of you who commented on my last post. You have no idea the impact that your encouraging words and prayers have on my heart. My eyes nearly always fill with tears as I read through the comments, especially from those who are struggling right along with me. Please know that you are in my prayers as well.

While enjoying a moment of solitude on the upper deck of our beach house overlooking the Atlantic Ocean one afternoon this song came on my Ipod. It’s been on there for a long time after I downloaded the whole album a year or so ago and I’ve always liked the song, but it spoke to me in a new way that day. Rather than going into how I’m feeling these days, I will let the song say it for me. I was pleased to find this version of it because it had so much beach imagery and made it just perfect. Here it is…

Obviously, my posts have been few and far between and I apologize for that. Problem is, that I just don’t know where to go with all of this anymore. More and more in my spirit I am going back to where I was a few posts ago after the Estrobalance made me so sick. I think He is just saying “no” and yet I let this circumstance or that one push me back into the pursuit instead of surrendering completely.

We really gave it our best shot this month. My husband wants another one (or two) and so I started out the month ready to oblige. We also have a vacation coming up next week that has been planned for months and wouldn’t you know it…AF is due the day we leave. That gave us even more motivation to succeed! I never could really agree with the book I spoke about in the last post. It just doesn’t line up for me. I was really rubbed the wrong way with the “ordering up” of children before conception down to what kind of eye and hair color/texture they would have as well as the sex. I just can’t see my dear LORD as a heavenly vending machine. Now, that may seem like a harsh criticism and I know that I am oversimplifying what the author stated, but that’s just how it comes across to me and makes it difficult for me to get past it. On the other hand, I have learned the art of “chewing up the meat and spitting out the bones” and I have to admit that I did feel that it spoke to me in some areas of my life and I was changed a bit by it. The month started out hopeful that with my new positive outlook that I had received through remembering that children are a gift from God and are His idea and His will and that my desires were God-given, that we were going to succeed even without the Estrobalance. It’s not looking like I did, though. Maybe I just didn’t do enough “confessing”. I don’t know.

So, I am off to the beach in a couple of days to spend a week enjoying the gifts that have already been given and putting this behind me for now. I really do have so much in my life. I don’t know why I think I need more.

Does the desire for more children ever really go away? I know many moms who were absolutely 100 percent DONE after a couple of kids. Why don’t I get that feeling? Were they just saying that or were they really absolutely 100 percent sure that they did not ever want to hold another baby of their own in their arms? Where does this desire come from?

My life has taken a serious turn in the past month. My 5 year old son has been diagnosed with epilepsy and my days have been consumed with dealing with all that means. His neurologist has prescribed a standard pharmaceutical but has given us the freedom to do our own research and decide for ourselves the best route to take in order to treat it with the least amount of side effects or long term effect worries since he knows that we would like to keep him off of a drug if at all possible. It may or may not be possible. We are carefully and prayerfully weighing the pros and cons of each treatment direction. First and foremost, we want the absolute best for him. So, needless to say, the baby thoughts have been overshadowed by this new development as my focus has been on taking care of my little guy, but they haven’t gone away. In fact, my husband is now saying that he really wants another one (or two!) again and that really changes things.

Interesting enough, too, a couple of weeks ago an acquaintance of mine called me out of the blue and said that I have been on her mind and she was sending me a book in the mail. I’ve waited and waited for a book to arrive and it finally did yesterday. It’s called Supernatural Childbirth. I’ve heard of it before and, honestly, my impression was that it was kooky. I had heard that it told you how to have a pain free childbirth if only you had enough faith. Well, it does, basically, state that but it is more than that and had a lot to say about miscarriage, infertility and preconception. I’m wrestling with some ideas in it right now after reading it. It is out of the realm of the way I normally think, but I can’t say that it is wrong. The book is about having faith and really believing that our pregnancies, births and babies will be perfect because it is what God promises in His Word. Christ’s death took away the curse of sickness and pain and if we have enough faith to believe that then all will go well with us. The author lists scripture “confessions” that are to be repeated over and over until they become embedded into our hearts and minds and the book has testimony after testimony of those who have experienced miraculous pregnancies and births after applying the principals.

I don’t know if the LORD led my friend to send me the book. Even if I did embrace all that it says, I honestly don’t know if I can muster up the kind of faith that it would take. The thought of getting pregnant again without the Estrobalance seems impossible and the thought of carrying the baby to term seems impossible and those thoughts are the absolute opposite of faith, but they are so real to me. So, since I don’t know what to think I have begun praying for God to build my faith. I am like the man who said to Jesus, “Lord, I believe. Help me with my unbelief.” I can totally relate to that.

I feel like I am on the edge of a battlefield right now and I just want to run away screaming, but the reward for victory is so amazing that I can’t run away…yet I can’t quite get on the battlefield, either. Do I battle or not? What if I’m just not strong enough? The agony of defeat is just still so real.

On this bald hill the new year hones its edge.
Faceless and pale as china
The round sky goes on minding its business.
Your absence is inconspicuous;
Nobody can tell what I lack.
(excerpt from Parliament Hill Fields by Sylvia Plath)

Not a big country music fan, but this got me.

Today was the day we were supposed to meet you and we are sad. Good-bye Luke…(that’s what your big brother wanted your name to be so that’s what we call you). You know that you are my Liam, though. That’s the real name you would have been given today. So let me say it right.

Good bye, dear Liam, my sweet baby who will never know anything but Heaven. I cling tightly to the hope of holding you in my arms some day. You are forever in my heart. Your mark is deep and will never be erased. I love you and miss you more than I can express.

God has made it clear to me…no more Estrobalance and I am relieved. I am SO very thankful for finding the cure for my infertility and I will continue to spread the good news to anyone that I come into contact with that could use the information, but my days with it are over and it’s finally crystal clear that I will no longer use it. Could there be more babies in the future? Sure. I still have open hands, but this is not the direction I will take any longer.

Again, it is incredible stuff and an answer to many prayers. So why I am I sure that I will no longer use it? Simple. I’ve developed an allergic reaction to it! Nothing could be clearer than that, huh?! I’m thankful that it is finally cut and dry for me and I can finally see where to go from here. Don’t worry if you are taking it. I have searched day after day hour after hour for any info on the internet about it causing adverse reactions and haven’t found a thing! As far as I can tell I am a completely isolated case and it has only developed over time. I had no problems with it the first time I took it and only mild problems with it the second time. The third time (which is recorded earlier in this blog) I had a hard time with it and then I’ve taken it for one day once last month and once this month and this last time I seriously thought I was dying! It the middle of vomiting, etc. at 2:00am I cried out to God and told Him that I would stop being stubborn if He would just stop me from being so severely sick. Within seconds I literally began to feel better. I crawled (yes…crawled) back to bed and I knew once and for all that that part of my life is done and I felt relief. Not relief that I may not have another baby, but relief that my mind could stop going back and forth over what I am supposed to do. Could it be more clear? I don’t think so.

My job now is to let others know about this new avenue of hope when they are lost and hurting from the pain of infertility. It’s not about me, anymore, it’s about sharing this with others. Isn’t it so cool how God not only gave me an answer for my problems but how He made it clear to me, not only when to use it, but when to stop using it. How awesome is that??? I don’t know how in the world I could live this life without His guidance. I really mean that. Sometimes, it seems that He is so silent or that He is just refusing to give me that guidance and then when it’s time, it all unfolds and His plan is revealed. Sometimes, it takes minutes, sometimes days, many times it takes months but often it takes years. He never fails to lead, though, as long as I continue to follow.

So, my plan now is to just trust. I am going to start on Arbonne’s progesterone cream this month after ovulation and if I don’t have any problems then I will continue to do that to try to regulate my hormones for other reasons other than fertility. Estrogen dominance causes way more problems than just infertility and I still want to get some control over it. The progesterone cream will also give me the added security that if I were to conceive again at some point I would have extra progesterone in my system and, hopefully, a better outcome. Interestingly enough, the LORD led me to an Arbonne representative months ago who was dealing with secondary infertility. It was just as I began this blog and she began following the plan on here and I’m so thrilled to announce that she is currently moving into her second trimester! Yea!! Now, she gets to help me by ordering my Arbonne cream, which from everything that I have read is an awesome product and I can’t wait to try it out.

It feels good to not be struggling with my next step. The only problem right now is dealing with my upcoming due date. Miscarried Baby #2 was due July 12 and as the date approaches the grief is coming back in waves. It hits me hard and unexpectedly, but I know that I will get through it. It’s just all part of the healing.

Upon further investigation of my heart, I am now wondering if I’m just dealing with fear. Yes, I am stubborn and, yes, it is still a real possibility that I am refusing to listen to “no”. Now, though, I am realizing that I am afraid to even think about taking the Estrobalance. Could the conclusion that I’m being stubborn just be a way of deferring what I should be doing? It sounds very noble, to accept that I’m wrong and humbly back off, but is that really what I am meant to do? Why do I have such thoughts to continue to pursue something that is so difficult? I am in a good place, now, with my 3 children and, in complete honesty, the thought of another baby coming into the house really scares me. Could I really handle 4 kids? How can I deal with the new challenges that it would represent. I feel like I finally have the handle on 3 children and I know pregnancy and a new baby will completely throw all of that off, at least for a while. I’m also not young anymore. Do I really want to be raising children well into my 50’s? Will I just get too tired to be the mom I want to be? Where would I put a new baby? Our house is small. Then the biggest fear…what if I miscarry AGAIN? This is where all the confusion comes. My head says that I honestly don’t want another pregnancy. Yet, I struggle constantly with thoughts of becoming pregnant and having another baby. My heart wants another one, even though my head does not! What do I do with that? Is that God putting it into my heart and my human nature resisting? Or is it that I’m such a stubborn person that I am determined to “win” against all of these obstacles that have kept me from another baby even though, in my head, I know that another one isn’t a good idea? So now I have to determine whether I am being stubborn or I’m living out of fear. I pray that the LORD makes it clear.

I suppose that I should apologize at this point to anyone who actually reads this blog! It is such a personal journal of an often confused woman. Many things in my life are very clear and cut and dry and I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who directs my paths. There are some areas in my life where He doesn’t always make things so obvious for me. This is one of those areas and always has been. I know why He does that and I’m grateful for it, although, many times that gratitude comes after much kicking and screaming. This is an area where He grows me and fine tunes me and teaches me to listen. If it was always so obvious, then I wouldn’t spend so much time seeking and so much of His work in me could not be accomplished. So, forgive me, for the rambling, for the flip-flopping of thoughts and emotions. It is all part of the process of discerning what He is speaking to me. I am a work in progress and will never have it all figured out. I just pray that I will stay teachable and that I will choose the path of God’s best and stop getting myself in the way.