Ever have one of those? When suddenly something just makes sense in a way it never has before? I certainly had one today and it was a bit difficult to swallow.

So much has happened since my last entry. The roller coaster has continued to toss my emotions all over the place and I’m not interested in trying to write it all down at this point. I’m just too tired. The most significant news, though, in regards to the theme of this blog, at least, is that my husband decided that he was wrong to “tell God that we were done” and that I am welcome to do whatever I need to to correct my hormone imbalance and if it happens to result in another pregnancy then he is absolutely fine with that. Wow. So I guess it’s not over after all…or is it?

It may be difficult to believe, but there is more to my life than consuming thoughts of pregnancy. In fact, I have a very busy, productive life and if you met me in real life you would probably not ever even know about this aspect of it since there are so many other areas that are much more visible. I am a stay at home mom and I am a homeschool mom. I am currently teaching a 7th grader, a kindergartner and a preschooler and, believe me, it is a full time job! Sometimes, I have a few moments where I actually miss those days that seem another lifetime ago when I actually had a “real” full time job. Not to belittle anyone’s hard work, but, for me, personally, I had it WAY easier back then. However, it was never as fulfilling or rewarding…simply easier. Anyway, lately my kindergartner (my first miracle baby) has been extra challenging. He’s always been my most strong willed child but for the past few weeks he has been taking the stubbornness to new heights and I’ve ended a few days with tears over it. Tonight was one of those nights. As I poured out my list of frustrations and worries to my husband he said everything he could to reassure me and to explain to me his view on it all. Then the lightbulb moment came. I was complaining that the real problem is that my son just can’t take “no” for an answer at all. He may appear to at first but he will spend an entire day “weasling” his way into getting what he wants after all, trying different approaches or just constantly asking for the same thing trying to wear me down. It’s absolutely exhausting. My husband went into why he does that, going on about how determined he is in everything that he does. It is so trying to deal with but that if we can harness it for the good nothing can stop him from accomplishing anything. Then it happened…he said, “he’s a lot like you”. It was meant to be a compliment. It was meant to mean that I am strong willed and tenacious, determined and can accomplish anything I set my mind to. The switch that went on in my brain, though, said something else. I realized that he was right. That’s exactly like me. Never willing to take “no” for an answer and doing everything that I can to “weasle” my way into getting what I want, after all, and humbly I must admit that I wonder if that is exactly what I am doing to God.

I got my period again today. It is my second one since the last miscarriage and I have an unopened bottle of Estrobalance in the kitchen cabinet, along with a prescription for Prometrium from the midwife to take “as soon as I get another positive pregnancy test!”. I know that I could go in there and begin taking the Estrobalance and I know that with my track record that more likely than not I would again be pregnant in a couple of weeks. I don’t want to do to my Heavenly Father what my son has been doing to me, though. I don’t believe that taking supplements like Estrobalance is wrong. The LORD gave me 2 beautiful children that way and I believe that He has prompted me to share the news with others so I’m not saying that what I’ve done was wrong. What I’m saying is that at this time in my life, maybe he is telling me “no” and yet I am refusing to listen. There are certainly a lot of circumstances that I have been overlooking. Instead, I am trying everything I can to get around that “no” just like my sweet little boy. Perseverance is an amazing character trait. I am overjoyed when I see my children really persevere in doing something hard and finally overcome. It brings me great pleasure to see them stick to something and get it done. I love to see a tenacious spirit in them…unless it is in doing something wrong. I don’t like to see them persevere in doing the wrong thing. Could that be what I am doing? I hope not. I haven’t thought again about taking that Estrobalance today, though.

This really touched me today and I had to share…

Wait…

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:

Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, “Child, you must wait”.

“Wait? You say, wait! ” my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?

I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,

Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:

I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.”

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting…. for what?”

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,

And he tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want - But you wouldn’t know Me.

You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint;

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint;

You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there;

You’d not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You’d never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;

You’d know that I give and I save…. (for a start),

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that “My grace is sufficient for Thee.”

Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,

But, Oh, the loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though oft’ may My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still, “WAIT.”

Author Unknown

So, I’ve been MIA for a few weeks trying to recover from our last blow. I’ve been doing well for the most part taking the time to refocus on what I do have and not what I don’t. Since our recent move I have had a hard time getting back on track with our daily routine and none of my family members function as well as we could when we aren’t on one. Without it, I often feel as if I am just spinning my wheels everyday and never really accomplishing much. My husband and my children mean the world to me and I needed to get my mind off babies and pregnancy and look to the gifts that I am already surrounded with. So I got everything up and running again and it felt good. I had a small nagging suspicion somewhere deep down that I was not properly mourning this last miscarriage but I kept it at bey. After all, I had ordered my silver heart forget-me-not memorial necklace (which, by the way, is beautiful!) and made my video and moved on.

Monday morning I had my last blood draw at the midwife’s office to make sure that my numbers were all the way back down. I woke up that morning with AF in full force so I knew that they were but I went anyway. I’m glad that I did because the midwife that I saw was very kind and I enjoyed talking it out a little with her. She went ahead and gave me a prescription for progesterone supplements so that I would be prepared if I were to become pregnant again. The midwives believe that I need the supplements to carry a pregnancy and, although I carried my 3rd pregnancy fine without them, they are probably right in that. I needed supplementation with my 2nd and since my problems conceiving are hormonal it only makes sense that my problem carrying them to term now, would be hormonal as well. So, although getting that last blood draw and sitting in the waiting room with happily pregnant women was tough, I left feeling hopeful that I might get another chance and I had my prescription to get me through.

The good feeling didn’t last, though. I’m not getting another chance. Last night, my dear husband told me he was done. He doesn’t want me to get pregnant again and we will no longer use any supplementation to conceive. Without it, I won’t. It’s that simple. Oh, I know that God can work miracles and I could have a surprise down the road but that is little consolation and in some ways makes it worse. There’s finality without true finality. I get to spend each month wondering and no matter how hard I try not to, hoping, and I’ve been there too many times already. I don’t like that place.

That’s where I am at, though. I know that I could fight it. I know that I have legitimate reasons why we should keep trying and could probably convince him, otherwise, if I really tried. Instead, I am choosing to submit. That is what I am called to do, anyway. The Bible doesn’t say how many children I should have. I haven’t found there any clear answers on whether we should use Estrobalance again or not. I know that it is clear on one thing, though. It is clear that I should submit to my husband and so that is what I am doing. I’m doing my best not to be mopey or depressed (subtle manipulation-I know he’ll do what he can to make me happy)but to continue on with a good attitude despite my broken heart. I’m not a saint. I’m not a martyr. The truth is, it’s all I CAN do. First, it’s what I’m called to do, but beyond that I can’t in anyway take a pill and become pregnant with my husband not fully on board with that. What if the progesterone supplements don’t work and I miscarry again. By my manipulation I have put him through that all over again. What if they do work and I carry the baby to term and something is wrong with it? Again, I forced it. What if they work and I give birth to a beautiful healthy baby. My husband is overjoyed and everything is just as I wanted it. I then find him working extra late and avoiding being with the family because he can’t handle 4 kids. The what-ifs could go on and on, but I think the point is made. I can’t FORCE this! Oh, how my very nature cries out for me to, but I can’t. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for keeping me in check. Please continue to give me strength.

So, here I sit. I believe that nagging suspicion that I hadn’t fully grieved was right. I feel like I have been hit full force by the gravity of the situation and bawled my eyes out last night. It’s so hard right now but I know that this is the low point. The grief is hitting me finally. The loss of 3 little babies and the loss of hope of more all at once is a bit overwhelming right now. On top of that, trying my best to not make my husband feel guilty (totally going against my nature) is difficult when I am hurting so much and in my stubborn head feel like the only relief is to try again.

I think that I may have to give the blog a rest for a while. Immersing myself in baby thoughts is not healthy for me right now but I do want to keep this site up. I believe that it contains information that will be helpful for someone out there. Don’t let my unhappy ending stop you if you are that person. It may sound unhappy but the reality is that it is not. The happy ending to my infertility story is playing sweetly next to me right now. The smallest one dressed up like a little princess while her big brother is dressed like an elf. They have been running around in the sunshine on wild adventures all afternoon. They are my happy ending. I hope and pray that anyone reading this and seeking such beauty will find it. They are worth it. So worth it.

“He said..’I will accept the breaking sorrow which God tomorrow will to His son explain.’ Then did the turmoil deep within him cease. Not vain the word, not vain. For in Acceptance lieth Peace” (excerpt from In Acceptance Lieth Peace by Amy Carmichael)

So, after 3 losses and using other people’s videos with each one as a tribute, I decided to try to make my very own. I had no idea where to start but found that it wasn’t too difficult, just very time consuming. That was welcome to me right now because it was a distraction of sorts to focus for so many hours on something where I was still dealing with my grief but in a productive way instead of just sitting around and over-analyzing it all. I took my favorite miscarriage tribute song and paired it with images that really spoke to me, personally. I’m happy with the result. I may still tweak it some here and there, but I think for a first try it’s not too bad.

For Our Babies In Heaven

Today it was confirmed by ultrasound, we have lost yet another baby. I’m a bit numb right now and unable to post as eloquently as I would like (not that I’m ever very eloquent) but it’s just not time to go into it too much. So instead, I am posting my video tribute to baby Leah to acknowledge the day and to offer myself some relief. Out of all of the miscarriage videos that I have posted, this one is by far my favorite. It is so well done. If anyone knows who is singing this could you please let me know?

Note: This was written a week ago, but I decided it was too negative to post and put it aside. I now believe that these feelings should be published as they are all part of the story…

There is certainly an innocence lost after miscarriage. An innocence lost that can not really be adequately explained unless you have experienced it. If you have, you’ll know exactly what I am trying to convey. It really makes itself apparent if another pregnancy occurs. Pregnancy doesn’t mean the same thing anymore. It becomes clinical. Before I ever had a miscarriage, I freely interchanged the phrases “I’m pregnant” with “I’m having a baby”. Now, they are two very different things to me. I used to live each month hoping against hope to finally see 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test. To me that was the climactic moment when everything I was working so hard for was finally realized. That moment of pure ecstasy when the test is finally positive. After carefully examining a bazillion negative tests under every light in the house, checking and re-checking, pulling them out of trash cans to inspect them yet again, finally seeing even the faintest hint of a second line was the answer to my dreams and yet so very elusive. Don’t get me wrong. I in no way believe that there is anything easy about that experience. It’s horrible. I’m not trying to say that my current experiences are any more difficult but only relaying that life is so different now and changed forever.

A positive pregnancy test now means that I’m pregnant. It means that my body is producing a measurable amount of Hcg. It does not necessarily mean that I am having a baby. It means weeks upon weeks of analyzing every symptom or lack of symptoms or it could mean just a week of doing that. I’m a generally positive person. I know this sounds so negative, but I don’t mean it to. It’s not that experiencing a new pregnancy means sitting around thinking the worst and certainly doesn’t mean expecting the worst. Instead, it means that a new realization has occurred somewhere deep inside of me of the absolute fragility of life. An understanding that I always had in my head but is now seared into my heart. A knowledge that it may not turn out the way I want it to just because I want it badly enough. It’s not time to pick out maternity clothes or research the best new stroller. It’s time to count each new day that I’m pregnant as a gift and one day closer to a possible happy ending. A time to look at new babies with hope knowing that at one time they were as small as the baby that I carry inside but knowing full well that the one inside has a long way to go to get there. It’s a time of living in the knowledge of what can happen. That’s why I say an innocence is lost. Pregnancy was once magical. Now the magic has been replaced by reality. Miscarriage forever changes things.

And yes, I was wrong about breaking my winning streak. I’m 7 weeks pregnant. Mom doesn’t know…please let me tell her myself.

Estrobalance has worked the first month I took it twice now, but I think that I’m ending my “winning streak” with it. It’s too early to verify that belief 100% but I know my body and my body says not this time.

The good thing is that I’m really okay with it. Surprisingly, okay. Yes, I would have loved to find that we are expecting again but I also know that I can’t see all the ins and outs of what that would mean and if God didn’t allow it then He has a good reason and I trust in His divine wisdom over my own any day. I’ve lived long enough to know when I force something I want, disregarding what He has to say on it, overlooking the obvious signs that I’m not on His best path for me or justifying my decision in my own head, it never turns out well. I wish I had no track record of such behavior, but I certainly do and I don’t want to go down that path again.

I believe that the reason I felt led to continue with our plans to take the Estrobalance was to aid in my miscarriage healing. I had to try again in order to get to where I am now which is on the other side of the darkness where I am able to feel normal again. It’s been nearly 3 months and it still stings. I am certain that it always will but I don’t think about it all the time now. I have those moments where I see a large round belly and think that I would have a nice one of those by now. I would have known the sex of the baby for awhile by now and would be buying pink or blue. Seeing a newborn baby is bittersweet. For the most part, though, my heart feels strong and I feel that the grieving has ended. This month of trying again has brought about the final chapter in that grieving process. Well, maybe not the final chapter but definitely one of the later chapters where the happy ending is beginning to unfold.

Will I try again? Hard to say. The Estrobalance just didn’t agree with my system this time and so I know that it isn’t something I can just take all the time. I wasn’t consistent with it because of that and positive that my inability to take it the proper way contributed to my lack of success with it this month. I’m taking my Red Raspberry Leaf capsules to regulate my hormones gently and will continue to do my very best to listen carefully to what my Father is speaking to me on the subject. Right now my life is so consumed with moving and taking care of the 3 amazing children that I already have that I feel full and at peace with the way things are.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the road I’ve been on since the last miscarriage and have come to some conclusions that are beginning to make some sense to me. I would have never chosen to lose my last 2 babies, but without those losses I would have never began this blog and my hope is that their short lives somehow set the wheels in motion to get information needed to would-be mamas out there so that new babies will be brought into this world. After the move is settled and my head stops spinning I am going to give this blog the attention it deserves so that it can be used in the way I dreamed it would be. So stay tuned!

Did I ovulate or not? Not sure. By now I should have but it’s really unclear to me. I’m assuming that I have. I usually can tell the exact day but not this month. I was inconsistent with taking the Estrobalance oscillating between taking 2 a day to 1 a day to several 0 a day. Life is just a little too unstable right now with all the changes going on. Moving is a big deal. It always sounds easier than it actually is…so many details that are so easily overlooked or just underestimated. The good thing, though, is that I am at peace over this month. Whether our goal was achieved or not I am still fine. Yes, I want another baby but I know that if it is meant to happen then it will and it will happen when it’s the right time. I still believe very much that it could be this month but if not there’s always next month and maybe I can be settled enough to take my supplements more consistently. Of course, even though I truly mean that it won’t keep me from spending the next two weeks analyzing every twinge, cramp, tenderness or bout of nauseousness. Am I more tired than usual? Am I peeing more? Hmmmm…is that smell making me sick??? Time to buckle up for the rollercoaster ride of the 2 week wait. At least, packing and moving should keep me somewhat distracted. I can test the day after we move into the new house. New house, new beginning??? I can hope so.

Balance Estrogen Naturally With Diindolylmethane (dim) Broccoli Extract

Author: Darrell Miller

Have you ever noticed the difference between men and women’s ability to lose weight? A man can simply stop eating junk food and two weeks later will have lost ten pounds. On the other hand, after hours in a gym and weeks of calorie counting many women will have not lost a pound. The main reason for this huge difference is an imbalance of too much estrogen as compared to lower levels of progesterone, which is called estrogen dominance. This imbalance leads to weight gain and obesity, as well as cervical dysplasia, breast, uterine, and ovarian cancers. Up until now, women have been told that the only way to treat a hormone related health problem is to take additional hormones. However, the correct answer is finding a balance of hormones, which can be done by using diindolylmethane (DIM), a powerful nutrient that is found in broccoli, cauliflower and other vegetables that have a direct effect on hormone balance. This does not mean that eating broccoli will eliminate estrogen dominance. When broccoli is chewed, plant enzymes are activated that release healthy compounds. However, many of these compounds are too unstable to constantly provide health benefits. In turn, these unstable compounds lead to the release of diindolylmethane, which is a very stable compound. Although broccoli is a very nutritious vegetable, we would have to eat at least two pounds of broccoli each and every day in order to get the adequate amounts of DIM. Thanks to ongoing research, the development of a stable pure DIM dietary supplement with special absorption enhancing formulas has been created. These DIM supplements can easily and efficiently restore hormonal balance and eliminate the symptoms of estrogen dominance.

The estrogen hormone tells cells in the body to grow. Throughout our lives, estrogen has important a vital functions such as orchestrating menstruation from the time we reach puberty through the time we reach menopause, keeping our bones strong, and maintaining low cholesterol levels. Estrogen is made in our ovaries and then sent through our bloodstream, where it comes in contact with every cell in our body. However, only certain cells with estrogen receptors will respond to its presence.

Estrogen dominance is characterized by an abundance of symptoms. Some of these symptoms include: mood swings, feeling anxious, painful periods, sore breasts, hot flashes, night sweats, foggy thinking, low libido, problematic PMS, and stubborn weight gain. It can begin by exposure to estrogen mimics (xenoestrogens), which are certain chemicals in the environment such as pesticides, plastics, soaps, emulsifiers, household cleaning products, and even car exhaust. These estrogen mimics look and act enough like natural estrogens that our body accepts them as estrogen. They latch on to estrogen receptors on cancer cells, and signal the cancer cell to grow and divide, making the cancer spread. They can also latch onto estrogen receptors on healthy cells and send false signals, or block the natural estrogen hormone from binding to its receptor, causing more estrogen to circulate in the bloodstream. Estrogen dominance can also be caused by a slow estrogen metabolism. If the rate of the metabolism that breaks down estrogen after they complete the activity on their target cells is too slow, an excess of unmetabolized estrogen is left circulating the body.

Researchers have also discovered that estrogen can be metabolized in two different pathways in the liver, which results in two different kinds of estrogen, “good” and “bad” estrogen. “Good” estrogen metabolites are released into the bloodstream there they cause many of the benefits estrogen provides, such as prevention of heart disease, and strong, healthy bones. “Bad” estrogen, in large quantities, can result in many health problems including autoimmune disorders, breast cancer, cervical dysplasia, clinical depression, fibroid tumors, infertility, magnesium deficiency, osteoporosis, ovarian cancer, uterine cancer, and zinc deficiency.

When dealing with estrogen dominance, it is not a good idea to take more progesterone to even out hormonal balance. Taking more progesterone won’t necessarily restore hormonal balance. Rather, it might be metabolized into more estrogen, resulting in an even greater hormonal imbalance and greater estrogen dominance. Instead, one should take the DIM supplement, which improves hormonal balance and eliminated estrogen dominance by shifting the way that estrogen is metabolized in our body. This creates more “good” estrogen metabolites and less “bad” estrogen metabolites. Although it does not increase or decrease estrogen levels, it directs how the estrogen is metabolized.

Research has suggested that DIM may also help to prevent breast cancer. After studying a group of women for periods up to nineteen years, the women who developed breast cancer were noted to have a significantly lower ratio of “good” estrogen metabolites as compared to “bad” estrogen metabolites. In comparison, those who did not develop breast cancer had a high ratio of “good” estrogen metabolites to “bad” estrogen metabolites. Scientists have determined that DIM actually inhibits the growth of cancer cells. It enhances the activity of enzymes found in certain pathways of the liver, which are important for the healthy estrogen metabolism that reduces the risk of cancer development.

When buying a DIM supplement, it is suggested that you read the label of the DIM product you’re going to buy. Be certain that you are getting 120 mg of DIM complex, which is standardized to 30 mg DIM per dose. Because DIM is very hard to absorb, the products needs to be in a specialized complex that improves bioavailability. Although most women only need one dose of DIM per day, women suffering with a large amount of estrogen dominance symptoms may find greater relief by doubling the dose and taking DIM twice a day. Because some women may have a minor stomach ache after taking DIM, taking the supplement with food will eliminate the problem. Research of DIM’s safety has shown no harmful effects, even when the doses were at hundreds of times the amount provided in the supplements. A common side effect of DIM is a harmless changing of the color of your urine. Because these changes can occur when you eat a large amount of broccoli or asparagus also, drinking 6-8 glasses of water per day will solve the problem.

If you have estrogen dominance, adding more hormones will only put you at a greater risk for cancer. Instead, restore your hormonal balance by taking the powerful, all-natural DIM supplement. DIM can be found at your local Health Food Store or Internet Health Food Store.

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/health-articles/balance-estrogen-naturally-with-diindolylmethane-dim-broccoli-extract-101806.html

About the Author:
Visit VitaNet Health Foods at http://vitanetonline.com/ VitaNet sells high quality supplements like DIM for Estrogen Balance . Please link to this site when using this article.