I wasn’t sure that it was possible (and I reserve the right to take it all back at some time in the future…cause you know how hormones can be!) but I have to report that I have experienced freedom from my overwhelming desire to have another baby this month. I have felt release. Sweet release. I have had waxing and waning over the years of that urge to bear life, so this isn’t the first time that I’ve been “okay” with the idea that I may never have another one. However, it feels deeper this time. My soul is at peace.

I still grieve the loss of my babes that didn’t make it to this earthly life, but as time has passed I am more and more comforted by the fact that this life is but a moment…a small dot on the time line of my total existence. I have been given three incredible children that warm up each day of it and make this short time on earth so full and joyful. I am wholly content with the prospect of spending the rest of my life watching them grow and become the men and woman that the LORD has created them to be. I have 3 more that I get to spend eternity with. The large family I always dreamed of is awaiting me in the not so distant future and will be my reality forever.

For now I have THREE kids that surround me each day! Three amazing, brilliant, beautiful children that race into my bedroom each morning, jump into my bed and shower me with kisses (okay…two kids that do that…one is 13!). Yes, the truth is, because of this I have had a hard time letting go of having more because I know that one day they will all be too old to jump in my bed and shower me with kisses, but I feel like I am finally coming to terms with the seasons of my life. While having babies and small children has certainly been my favorite season so far, I cannot cling to it refusing to let it go when there are still more seasons that await me. While I hang on tightly refusing to loosen my grip on having babies I get stuck and I don’t want to be stuck. Being stuck causes me to close my heart to other happinesses…more blessings that the Father wants me to behold.

My heart breaks for those who still haven’t experienced the unexplicable joy of holding their child in their arms for the first time and for those who haven’t yet gotten their own release. That is why I will keep this site up even though (for now) my baby struggles are over…finally. My heart has let go and freedom is beautiful.

….now IF the LORD should decide that another baby should come my way, though, I certainly wouldn’t be sad.

I have a grateful heart and open hands and soul that has been released.