Boy, did we need that! Our vacation was absolutely wonderful despite the fact that AF DID make her ugly appearance the day that we left just as scheduled. I was determined not to let that spoil the week for us, though, and for the most part I didn’t. I tried to soak up every bit of peace and tranquility that surrounded me. We aren’t exactly “beach people”. My husband and I are about the fairest skinned people you may ever meet and I can’t stand going to the beach during “swimsuit competition season”. Obviously we aren’t sunbathers or anything, but the beauty and power of the sea draws us to it, nonetheless. Because of our distaste for typical beach culture, we like to go in the off season and we prefer the remote beaches of Cape Hatteras on the Outer Banks of NC. So that’s where we have been for the past week and neither one of us wanted to come back home.
I want to thank each of you who commented on my last post. You have no idea the impact that your encouraging words and prayers have on my heart. My eyes nearly always fill with tears as I read through the comments, especially from those who are struggling right along with me. Please know that you are in my prayers as well.
While enjoying a moment of solitude on the upper deck of our beach house overlooking the Atlantic Ocean one afternoon this song came on my Ipod. It’s been on there for a long time after I downloaded the whole album a year or so ago and I’ve always liked the song, but it spoke to me in a new way that day. Rather than going into how I’m feeling these days, I will let the song say it for me. I was pleased to find this version of it because it had so much beach imagery and made it just perfect. Here it is…
My cycle has been so weird this month and I have no idea when to expect AF. It’s making me a little crazy, I have to say. By the calendar I should begin a fresh month around Wednesday…just 3 days away. However, I think that I O’d last Monday…not even a week ago. Normally, I am dreading getting my period but now that I’m anxious to get pregnant again and start my Estrobalance it can’t get here soon enough. So frustrating.
I’m planning a baby shower for one of my best friends. I’m having a lot of fun doing it and it’s coming together well. She’s due any day and I’m hoping that we can all pull it off before the baby arrives. She’s starting to get “that look” like it is just minutes away. I know that can go on for a while, though. I’m so excited about her new little girl finally arriving into this big world, but I know that there will be some bittersweetness for me. We were pregnant together at one point and talked about how close in age our children were going to be and how much fun they would have together. Her children match my children in ages and it looked like we were just continuing that trend. Her sweet baby will be a reminder that mine isn’t here. At the same time, though, I’m grateful for a baby to hold even if it’s not my own and I can’t wait to meet her.
I hit such a low point last night. Pondering 2007 was difficult since it was one of the hardest years that my husband and I have endured since we were married. Not only did we suffer through 2 miscarriages, but it has been hard all the way around on so many levels. A year full of challenges and lessons and wake up calls. As the clock drew closer to midnight last night I realized that I was becoming fearful of 2008. I realized that I was just plain scared to death to go through another year like this past one or one that could be even harder. Fortunately, my husband came to the rescue and we had a good talk before bed and once again he reassured me and inspired me to not give in to the fear and despair. We talked through some issues that needed addressing and made some productive plans and goal setting for the near future. I went to bed feeling much more at ease and ready to welcome the new year.
Looking back I know that last year was a turning point for us. Through our circumstances we have learned a valuable lesson in that we need to be more proactive in our lives. Surrendering to God’s will for our life doesn’t mean just spending each day just letting it happen to us and that is how we have lived for so long…letting life happen. The LORD has shown us that we need to live our life surrendered to His will for sure but we need to be listening to Him more in every situation. He has shown us that He has some amazing plans for us. He has given us ideas that we would never have thought of on our own and opened doors that we could not have foreseen. We know that He is working all things together for our good. We just need to be patient as it all comes to fruition.
Through all the hardship that we have endured the most amazing product of it all is that we pray. Yes, we have always prayed but now we pray everyday with each other. Our day always starts with spending some time together and then praying together. We put each day in God’s hands together and even though we have still had to go through the storms we can see that they continue to lead us into a deeper understanding of ourselves and God. So, I guess I could look at 2007 as the best year in our life so far. Maybe it was the hardest, but through all the hurt and struggle we have become stronger, more purposeful, closer to each other and closer to the LORD. I can’t wait to see what He has in store in 2008.
I have decided that the first place to go for good information about your miscarriage is at this site…PregnancyLoss.Info. Deanna has put together a very comprehensive site that will help you know what to expect and how to deal with it all. If your health care practitioner is anything like mine, you will leave with more questions than answers. I was told about looking for signs of infection but other than that nothing more. Here I am nearly 3 weeks after it and I just stopped spotting yesterday and had no idea when to expect a new cycle or anything. Now I know that a new cycle should occur around 3 weeks after the spotting ends and if it begins before that it must still be miscarriage tissue and not real AF. I didn’t think that spotting was EVER going to end so I’m thrilled to have it over with. With my last miscarriage, I had recurring episodes of bleeding and spotting and the last one I counted as my period but now I know that it was not. Great info on that site and I highly recommend it. It’s been such a help to me!
Wow…just when it looks like the skies are beginning to clear I found myself bawling this morning while cleaning up the kitchen. I was feeling blue yesterday. My parents and niece came to visit this weekend to celebrate Christmas with us since we were unable to go visit them as planned because of the miscarriage. We had a really nice time but as soon as they left I began feeling even more down than usual. It was a really gloomy day outside, rainy and cold and I stayed in all day. We didn’t go to church since by the time my family made it out the door it was really too late to get it all together to go. Church would have been a good thing for me but it didn’t happen. I think the weather was a contributor to my sadness, but Christmas being over, my parents leaving, and lingering melancholy from the miscarriage all added to the mix. I began to have those “I should be pregnant right now” thoughts that always get me.
I decided to distract myself and take all the Christmas decorations and tree down and get my house back to normal. It felt good to get the house picked up and it looked so much bigger and uncluttered which was comforting, at least for a few minutes. I started hating the house. I told my husband that I want to move. I have these feelings of just wanting to move away. At least, I can recognize those thoughts as irrational. I always get them when I am in pain or under stress. I guess it’s that flee or fight response. I tend to want to go with the flee but I know that I have to fight. I have to fight to get through this hurt and to move on. I have to fight the depression that just seems to dangle in front of me like a carrot, beckoning me to give in to it. It won’t win, though. I may grieve but I won’t drown in the pain.
“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed” (2 Corinthians 7-9)“
Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 16-18)
Today is Christmas Eve and the day I took down the “shrine”. My husband’s parents sent a flower/balloon bouquet, some friends brought over a mini rose plant (along with a yummy casserole, card & a movie gift card), one of my husband’s clients sent flowers, too, and then we had the little whale rattle that we had bought when we found out we were expecting. We always buy a little something like that when we find out the good news. It’s our way of making it real. These items all became a beautiful spot in the house to look at and remember and I never wanted to take it down. However, it was becoming less beautiful by the day and this morning I came to the realization that it was becoming more depressing than a source of comfort and that it was time to take it down and move on and so I did. I threw out the flowers sent by my in-laws and washed out the smiley face mug that they were in as a keepsake. I popped the smiley-face mylar balloon that came out of the flowers that had begun to droop down from lack of helium and then I folded it up and put it in the memory box that I began with our previous miscarriage. I took some of the flowers that were still not completely yucky and pressed them for the box and put the little blue whale on the top. Even though, it wasn’t part of the “shrine” I also put in a little sweater outfit that I had picked up soon after finding out we were pregnant. I was going to pass it down to one of my best friends that is due to have a new baby next month, but I decided that it really belonged in the memory box. Now, the box is on my night stand and the table that everything was on looks just like it did 2 weeks ago. The house is back to normal. No sign of a tragedy lingers. No outward reminder of what we have experienced this past week and a half. It is all inside now. Inside our hearts and inside a box. Time to move on.
I remembered today that Christmas week was going to be a milestone for me as I passed from my first trimester. I remember thinking earlier in the pregnancy that if I could just get to Christmas after that it was smooth sailing. Ouch.It’s not all sad, though. I have the 3 most amazing, beautiful children that I could have ever dreamed of having (the reasons I just can’t stop wanting more) and we are having the biggest day of the year tomorrow and I can’t wait to see their smiling faces when they climb out of bed before the sun comes up in the morning. We are so very blessed even during the hard times. Very, very blessed.