Boy, did we need that! Our vacation was absolutely wonderful despite the fact that AF DID make her ugly appearance the day that we left just as scheduled. I was determined not to let that spoil the week for us, though, and for the most part I didn’t. I tried to soak up every bit of peace and tranquility that surrounded me. We aren’t exactly “beach people”. My husband and I are about the fairest skinned people you may ever meet and I can’t stand going to the beach during “swimsuit competition season”. Obviously we aren’t sunbathers or anything, but the beauty and power of the sea draws us to it, nonetheless. Because of our distaste for typical beach culture, we like to go in the off season and we prefer the remote beaches of Cape Hatteras on the Outer Banks of NC. So that’s where we have been for the past week and neither one of us wanted to come back home.

I want to thank each of you who commented on my last post. You have no idea the impact that your encouraging words and prayers have on my heart. My eyes nearly always fill with tears as I read through the comments, especially from those who are struggling right along with me. Please know that you are in my prayers as well.

While enjoying a moment of solitude on the upper deck of our beach house overlooking the Atlantic Ocean one afternoon this song came on my Ipod. It’s been on there for a long time after I downloaded the whole album a year or so ago and I’ve always liked the song, but it spoke to me in a new way that day. Rather than going into how I’m feeling these days, I will let the song say it for me. I was pleased to find this version of it because it had so much beach imagery and made it just perfect. Here it is…

This really touched me today and I had to share…

Wait…

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:

Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, “Child, you must wait”.

“Wait? You say, wait! ” my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?

I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,

Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:

I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.”

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting…. for what?”

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,

And he tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want - But you wouldn’t know Me.

You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint;

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint;

You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there;

You’d not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You’d never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;

You’d know that I give and I save…. (for a start),

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that “My grace is sufficient for Thee.”

Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,

But, Oh, the loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though oft’ may My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still, “WAIT.”

Author Unknown

So, I’ve been MIA for a few weeks trying to recover from our last blow. I’ve been doing well for the most part taking the time to refocus on what I do have and not what I don’t. Since our recent move I have had a hard time getting back on track with our daily routine and none of my family members function as well as we could when we aren’t on one. Without it, I often feel as if I am just spinning my wheels everyday and never really accomplishing much. My husband and my children mean the world to me and I needed to get my mind off babies and pregnancy and look to the gifts that I am already surrounded with. So I got everything up and running again and it felt good. I had a small nagging suspicion somewhere deep down that I was not properly mourning this last miscarriage but I kept it at bey. After all, I had ordered my silver heart forget-me-not memorial necklace (which, by the way, is beautiful!) and made my video and moved on.

Monday morning I had my last blood draw at the midwife’s office to make sure that my numbers were all the way back down. I woke up that morning with AF in full force so I knew that they were but I went anyway. I’m glad that I did because the midwife that I saw was very kind and I enjoyed talking it out a little with her. She went ahead and gave me a prescription for progesterone supplements so that I would be prepared if I were to become pregnant again. The midwives believe that I need the supplements to carry a pregnancy and, although I carried my 3rd pregnancy fine without them, they are probably right in that. I needed supplementation with my 2nd and since my problems conceiving are hormonal it only makes sense that my problem carrying them to term now, would be hormonal as well. So, although getting that last blood draw and sitting in the waiting room with happily pregnant women was tough, I left feeling hopeful that I might get another chance and I had my prescription to get me through.

The good feeling didn’t last, though. I’m not getting another chance. Last night, my dear husband told me he was done. He doesn’t want me to get pregnant again and we will no longer use any supplementation to conceive. Without it, I won’t. It’s that simple. Oh, I know that God can work miracles and I could have a surprise down the road but that is little consolation and in some ways makes it worse. There’s finality without true finality. I get to spend each month wondering and no matter how hard I try not to, hoping, and I’ve been there too many times already. I don’t like that place.

That’s where I am at, though. I know that I could fight it. I know that I have legitimate reasons why we should keep trying and could probably convince him, otherwise, if I really tried. Instead, I am choosing to submit. That is what I am called to do, anyway. The Bible doesn’t say how many children I should have. I haven’t found there any clear answers on whether we should use Estrobalance again or not. I know that it is clear on one thing, though. It is clear that I should submit to my husband and so that is what I am doing. I’m doing my best not to be mopey or depressed (subtle manipulation-I know he’ll do what he can to make me happy)but to continue on with a good attitude despite my broken heart. I’m not a saint. I’m not a martyr. The truth is, it’s all I CAN do. First, it’s what I’m called to do, but beyond that I can’t in anyway take a pill and become pregnant with my husband not fully on board with that. What if the progesterone supplements don’t work and I miscarry again. By my manipulation I have put him through that all over again. What if they do work and I carry the baby to term and something is wrong with it? Again, I forced it. What if they work and I give birth to a beautiful healthy baby. My husband is overjoyed and everything is just as I wanted it. I then find him working extra late and avoiding being with the family because he can’t handle 4 kids. The what-ifs could go on and on, but I think the point is made. I can’t FORCE this! Oh, how my very nature cries out for me to, but I can’t. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for keeping me in check. Please continue to give me strength.

So, here I sit. I believe that nagging suspicion that I hadn’t fully grieved was right. I feel like I have been hit full force by the gravity of the situation and bawled my eyes out last night. It’s so hard right now but I know that this is the low point. The grief is hitting me finally. The loss of 3 little babies and the loss of hope of more all at once is a bit overwhelming right now. On top of that, trying my best to not make my husband feel guilty (totally going against my nature) is difficult when I am hurting so much and in my stubborn head feel like the only relief is to try again.

I think that I may have to give the blog a rest for a while. Immersing myself in baby thoughts is not healthy for me right now but I do want to keep this site up. I believe that it contains information that will be helpful for someone out there. Don’t let my unhappy ending stop you if you are that person. It may sound unhappy but the reality is that it is not. The happy ending to my infertility story is playing sweetly next to me right now. The smallest one dressed up like a little princess while her big brother is dressed like an elf. They have been running around in the sunshine on wild adventures all afternoon. They are my happy ending. I hope and pray that anyone reading this and seeking such beauty will find it. They are worth it. So worth it.

“He said..’I will accept the breaking sorrow which God tomorrow will to His son explain.’ Then did the turmoil deep within him cease. Not vain the word, not vain. For in Acceptance lieth Peace” (excerpt from In Acceptance Lieth Peace by Amy Carmichael)

Today it was confirmed by ultrasound, we have lost yet another baby. I’m a bit numb right now and unable to post as eloquently as I would like (not that I’m ever very eloquent) but it’s just not time to go into it too much. So instead, I am posting my video tribute to baby Leah to acknowledge the day and to offer myself some relief. Out of all of the miscarriage videos that I have posted, this one is by far my favorite. It is so well done. If anyone knows who is singing this could you please let me know?

Note: This was written a week ago, but I decided it was too negative to post and put it aside. I now believe that these feelings should be published as they are all part of the story…

There is certainly an innocence lost after miscarriage. An innocence lost that can not really be adequately explained unless you have experienced it. If you have, you’ll know exactly what I am trying to convey. It really makes itself apparent if another pregnancy occurs. Pregnancy doesn’t mean the same thing anymore. It becomes clinical. Before I ever had a miscarriage, I freely interchanged the phrases “I’m pregnant” with “I’m having a baby”. Now, they are two very different things to me. I used to live each month hoping against hope to finally see 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test. To me that was the climactic moment when everything I was working so hard for was finally realized. That moment of pure ecstasy when the test is finally positive. After carefully examining a bazillion negative tests under every light in the house, checking and re-checking, pulling them out of trash cans to inspect them yet again, finally seeing even the faintest hint of a second line was the answer to my dreams and yet so very elusive. Don’t get me wrong. I in no way believe that there is anything easy about that experience. It’s horrible. I’m not trying to say that my current experiences are any more difficult but only relaying that life is so different now and changed forever.

A positive pregnancy test now means that I’m pregnant. It means that my body is producing a measurable amount of Hcg. It does not necessarily mean that I am having a baby. It means weeks upon weeks of analyzing every symptom or lack of symptoms or it could mean just a week of doing that. I’m a generally positive person. I know this sounds so negative, but I don’t mean it to. It’s not that experiencing a new pregnancy means sitting around thinking the worst and certainly doesn’t mean expecting the worst. Instead, it means that a new realization has occurred somewhere deep inside of me of the absolute fragility of life. An understanding that I always had in my head but is now seared into my heart. A knowledge that it may not turn out the way I want it to just because I want it badly enough. It’s not time to pick out maternity clothes or research the best new stroller. It’s time to count each new day that I’m pregnant as a gift and one day closer to a possible happy ending. A time to look at new babies with hope knowing that at one time they were as small as the baby that I carry inside but knowing full well that the one inside has a long way to go to get there. It’s a time of living in the knowledge of what can happen. That’s why I say an innocence is lost. Pregnancy was once magical. Now the magic has been replaced by reality. Miscarriage forever changes things.

And yes, I was wrong about breaking my winning streak. I’m 7 weeks pregnant. Mom doesn’t know…please let me tell her myself.

My cycle has been so weird this month and I have no idea when to expect AF. It’s making me a little crazy, I have to say. By the calendar I should begin a fresh month around Wednesday…just 3 days away. However, I think that I O’d last Monday…not even a week ago. Normally, I am dreading getting my period but now that I’m anxious to get pregnant again and start my Estrobalance it can’t get here soon enough. So frustrating.

I’m planning a baby shower for one of my best friends. I’m having a lot of fun doing it and it’s coming together well. She’s due any day and I’m hoping that we can all pull it off before the baby arrives. She’s starting to get “that look” like it is just minutes away. I know that can go on for a while, though. I’m so excited about her new little girl finally arriving into this big world, but I know that there will be some bittersweetness for me. We were pregnant together at one point and talked about how close in age our children were going to be and how much fun they would have together. Her children match my children in ages and it looked like we were just continuing that trend. Her sweet baby will be a reminder that mine isn’t here. At the same time, though, I’m grateful for a baby to hold even if it’s not my own and I can’t wait to meet her.

I love this song so much. I am so grateful to have a God bigger than anything life can throw at me and He is SO worthy to be praised.

I hit such a low point last night. Pondering 2007 was difficult since it was one of the hardest years that my husband and I have endured since we were married. Not only did we suffer through 2 miscarriages, but it has been hard all the way around on so many levels. A year full of challenges and lessons and wake up calls. As the clock drew closer to midnight last night I realized that I was becoming fearful of 2008. I realized that I was just plain scared to death to go through another year like this past one or one that could be even harder. Fortunately, my husband came to the rescue and we had a good talk before bed and once again he reassured me and inspired me to not give in to the fear and despair. We talked through some issues that needed addressing and made some productive plans and goal setting for the near future. I went to bed feeling much more at ease and ready to welcome the new year.

Looking back I know that last year was a turning point for us. Through our circumstances we have learned a valuable lesson in that we need to be more proactive in our lives. Surrendering to God’s will for our life doesn’t mean just spending each day just letting it happen to us and that is how we have lived for so long…letting life happen. The LORD has shown us that we need to live our life surrendered to His will for sure but we need to be listening to Him more in every situation. He has shown us that He has some amazing plans for us. He has given us ideas that we would never have thought of on our own and opened doors that we could not have foreseen. We know that He is working all things together for our good. We just need to be patient as it all comes to fruition.

Through all the hardship that we have endured the most amazing product of it all is that we pray. Yes, we have always prayed but now we pray everyday with each other. Our day always starts with spending some time together and then praying together. We put each day in God’s hands together and even though we have still had to go through the storms we can see that they continue to lead us into a deeper understanding of ourselves and God. So, I guess I could look at 2007 as the best year in our life so far. Maybe it was the hardest, but through all the hurt and struggle we have become stronger, more purposeful, closer to each other and closer to the LORD. I can’t wait to see what He has in store in 2008.

I have decided that the first place to go for good information about your miscarriage is at this site…PregnancyLoss.Info. Deanna has put together a very comprehensive site that will help you know what to expect and how to deal with it all. If your health care practitioner is anything like mine, you will leave with more questions than answers. I was told about looking for signs of infection but other than that nothing more. Here I am nearly 3 weeks after it and I just stopped spotting yesterday and had no idea when to expect a new cycle or anything. Now I know that a new cycle should occur around 3 weeks after the spotting ends and if it begins before that it must still be miscarriage tissue and not real AF. I didn’t think that spotting was EVER going to end so I’m thrilled to have it over with. With my last miscarriage, I had recurring episodes of bleeding and spotting and the last one I counted as my period but now I know that it was not. Great info on that site and I highly recommend it. It’s been such a help to me!

Wow…just when it looks like the skies are beginning to clear I found myself bawling this morning while cleaning up the kitchen.  I was feeling blue yesterday.  My parents and niece came to visit this weekend to celebrate Christmas with us since we were unable to go visit them as planned because of the miscarriage.  We had a really nice time but as soon as they left I began feeling even more down than usual.  It was a really gloomy day outside, rainy and cold and I stayed in all day.  We didn’t go to church since by the time my family made it out the door it was really too late to get it all together to go.  Church would have been a good thing for me but it didn’t happen.  I think the weather was a contributor to my sadness, but Christmas being over, my parents leaving, and lingering melancholy from the miscarriage all added to the mix.  I began to have those “I should be pregnant right now” thoughts that always get me.

I decided to distract myself and take all the Christmas decorations and tree down and get my house back to normal. It felt good to get the house picked up and it looked so much bigger and uncluttered which was comforting, at least for a few minutes. I started hating the house. I told my husband that I want to move. I have these feelings of just wanting to move away. At least, I can recognize those thoughts as irrational. I always get them when I am in pain or under stress. I guess it’s that flee or fight response. I tend to want to go with the flee but I know that I have to fight. I have to fight to get through this hurt and to move on. I have to fight the depression that just seems to dangle in front of me like a carrot, beckoning me to give in to it. It won’t win, though. I may grieve but I won’t drown in the pain.

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed” (2 Corinthians 7-9)“

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 16-18)