Wow…just when it looks like the skies are beginning to clear I found myself bawling this morning while cleaning up the kitchen.  I was feeling blue yesterday.  My parents and niece came to visit this weekend to celebrate Christmas with us since we were unable to go visit them as planned because of the miscarriage.  We had a really nice time but as soon as they left I began feeling even more down than usual.  It was a really gloomy day outside, rainy and cold and I stayed in all day.  We didn’t go to church since by the time my family made it out the door it was really too late to get it all together to go.  Church would have been a good thing for me but it didn’t happen.  I think the weather was a contributor to my sadness, but Christmas being over, my parents leaving, and lingering melancholy from the miscarriage all added to the mix.  I began to have those “I should be pregnant right now” thoughts that always get me.

I decided to distract myself and take all the Christmas decorations and tree down and get my house back to normal. It felt good to get the house picked up and it looked so much bigger and uncluttered which was comforting, at least for a few minutes. I started hating the house. I told my husband that I want to move. I have these feelings of just wanting to move away. At least, I can recognize those thoughts as irrational. I always get them when I am in pain or under stress. I guess it’s that flee or fight response. I tend to want to go with the flee but I know that I have to fight. I have to fight to get through this hurt and to move on. I have to fight the depression that just seems to dangle in front of me like a carrot, beckoning me to give in to it. It won’t win, though. I may grieve but I won’t drown in the pain.

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed” (2 Corinthians 7-9)“

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 16-18)

Today is Christmas Eve and the day I took down the “shrine”.  My husband’s parents sent a flower/balloon bouquet, some friends brought over a mini rose plant (along with a yummy casserole, card & a movie gift card), one of my husband’s clients sent flowers, too, and then we had the little whale rattle that we had bought when we found out we were expecting.  We always buy a little something like that when we find out the good news. It’s our way of making it real.  These items all became a beautiful spot in the house to look at and remember and I never wanted to take it down.  However, it was becoming less beautiful by the day and this morning I came to the realization that it was becoming more depressing than a source of comfort and that it was time to take it down and move on and so I did.  I threw out the flowers sent by my in-laws and washed out the smiley face mug that they were in as a keepsake.  I popped the smiley-face mylar balloon that came out of the flowers that had begun to droop down from lack of helium and then I folded it up and put it in the memory box that I began with our previous miscarriage.  I took some of the flowers that were still not completely yucky and pressed them for the box and put the little blue whale on the top.  Even though, it wasn’t part of the “shrine” I also put in a little sweater outfit that I had picked up soon after finding out we were pregnant.  I was going to pass it down to one of my best friends that is due to have a new baby next month, but I decided that it really belonged in the memory box.  Now, the box is on my night stand and the table that everything was on looks just like it did 2 weeks ago.  The house is back to normal.  No sign of a tragedy lingers.  No outward reminder of what we have experienced this past week and a half.  It is all inside now.  Inside our hearts and inside a box.  Time to move on.

I remembered today that Christmas week was going to be a milestone for me as I passed from my first trimester.  I remember thinking earlier in the pregnancy that if I could just get to Christmas after that it was smooth sailing.  Ouch.It’s not all sad, though.  I have the 3 most amazing, beautiful children that I could have ever dreamed of having (the reasons I just can’t stop wanting more) and we are having the biggest day of the year tomorrow and I can’t wait to see their smiling faces when they climb out of bed before the sun comes up in the morning.  We are so very blessed even during the hard times.  Very, very blessed.