This really touched me today and I had to share…

Wait…

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:

Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, “Child, you must wait”.

“Wait? You say, wait! ” my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?

I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,

Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:

I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.”

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting…. for what?”

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,

And he tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want - But you wouldn’t know Me.

You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint;

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint;

You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there;

You’d not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You’d never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;

You’d know that I give and I save…. (for a start),

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that “My grace is sufficient for Thee.”

Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,

But, Oh, the loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though oft’ may My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still, “WAIT.”

Author Unknown

So, I’ve been MIA for a few weeks trying to recover from our last blow. I’ve been doing well for the most part taking the time to refocus on what I do have and not what I don’t. Since our recent move I have had a hard time getting back on track with our daily routine and none of my family members function as well as we could when we aren’t on one. Without it, I often feel as if I am just spinning my wheels everyday and never really accomplishing much. My husband and my children mean the world to me and I needed to get my mind off babies and pregnancy and look to the gifts that I am already surrounded with. So I got everything up and running again and it felt good. I had a small nagging suspicion somewhere deep down that I was not properly mourning this last miscarriage but I kept it at bey. After all, I had ordered my silver heart forget-me-not memorial necklace (which, by the way, is beautiful!) and made my video and moved on.

Monday morning I had my last blood draw at the midwife’s office to make sure that my numbers were all the way back down. I woke up that morning with AF in full force so I knew that they were but I went anyway. I’m glad that I did because the midwife that I saw was very kind and I enjoyed talking it out a little with her. She went ahead and gave me a prescription for progesterone supplements so that I would be prepared if I were to become pregnant again. The midwives believe that I need the supplements to carry a pregnancy and, although I carried my 3rd pregnancy fine without them, they are probably right in that. I needed supplementation with my 2nd and since my problems conceiving are hormonal it only makes sense that my problem carrying them to term now, would be hormonal as well. So, although getting that last blood draw and sitting in the waiting room with happily pregnant women was tough, I left feeling hopeful that I might get another chance and I had my prescription to get me through.

The good feeling didn’t last, though. I’m not getting another chance. Last night, my dear husband told me he was done. He doesn’t want me to get pregnant again and we will no longer use any supplementation to conceive. Without it, I won’t. It’s that simple. Oh, I know that God can work miracles and I could have a surprise down the road but that is little consolation and in some ways makes it worse. There’s finality without true finality. I get to spend each month wondering and no matter how hard I try not to, hoping, and I’ve been there too many times already. I don’t like that place.

That’s where I am at, though. I know that I could fight it. I know that I have legitimate reasons why we should keep trying and could probably convince him, otherwise, if I really tried. Instead, I am choosing to submit. That is what I am called to do, anyway. The Bible doesn’t say how many children I should have. I haven’t found there any clear answers on whether we should use Estrobalance again or not. I know that it is clear on one thing, though. It is clear that I should submit to my husband and so that is what I am doing. I’m doing my best not to be mopey or depressed (subtle manipulation-I know he’ll do what he can to make me happy)but to continue on with a good attitude despite my broken heart. I’m not a saint. I’m not a martyr. The truth is, it’s all I CAN do. First, it’s what I’m called to do, but beyond that I can’t in anyway take a pill and become pregnant with my husband not fully on board with that. What if the progesterone supplements don’t work and I miscarry again. By my manipulation I have put him through that all over again. What if they do work and I carry the baby to term and something is wrong with it? Again, I forced it. What if they work and I give birth to a beautiful healthy baby. My husband is overjoyed and everything is just as I wanted it. I then find him working extra late and avoiding being with the family because he can’t handle 4 kids. The what-ifs could go on and on, but I think the point is made. I can’t FORCE this! Oh, how my very nature cries out for me to, but I can’t. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for keeping me in check. Please continue to give me strength.

So, here I sit. I believe that nagging suspicion that I hadn’t fully grieved was right. I feel like I have been hit full force by the gravity of the situation and bawled my eyes out last night. It’s so hard right now but I know that this is the low point. The grief is hitting me finally. The loss of 3 little babies and the loss of hope of more all at once is a bit overwhelming right now. On top of that, trying my best to not make my husband feel guilty (totally going against my nature) is difficult when I am hurting so much and in my stubborn head feel like the only relief is to try again.

I think that I may have to give the blog a rest for a while. Immersing myself in baby thoughts is not healthy for me right now but I do want to keep this site up. I believe that it contains information that will be helpful for someone out there. Don’t let my unhappy ending stop you if you are that person. It may sound unhappy but the reality is that it is not. The happy ending to my infertility story is playing sweetly next to me right now. The smallest one dressed up like a little princess while her big brother is dressed like an elf. They have been running around in the sunshine on wild adventures all afternoon. They are my happy ending. I hope and pray that anyone reading this and seeking such beauty will find it. They are worth it. So worth it.

“He said..’I will accept the breaking sorrow which God tomorrow will to His son explain.’ Then did the turmoil deep within him cease. Not vain the word, not vain. For in Acceptance lieth Peace” (excerpt from In Acceptance Lieth Peace by Amy Carmichael)

Estrobalance has worked the first month I took it twice now, but I think that I’m ending my “winning streak” with it. It’s too early to verify that belief 100% but I know my body and my body says not this time.

The good thing is that I’m really okay with it. Surprisingly, okay. Yes, I would have loved to find that we are expecting again but I also know that I can’t see all the ins and outs of what that would mean and if God didn’t allow it then He has a good reason and I trust in His divine wisdom over my own any day. I’ve lived long enough to know when I force something I want, disregarding what He has to say on it, overlooking the obvious signs that I’m not on His best path for me or justifying my decision in my own head, it never turns out well. I wish I had no track record of such behavior, but I certainly do and I don’t want to go down that path again.

I believe that the reason I felt led to continue with our plans to take the Estrobalance was to aid in my miscarriage healing. I had to try again in order to get to where I am now which is on the other side of the darkness where I am able to feel normal again. It’s been nearly 3 months and it still stings. I am certain that it always will but I don’t think about it all the time now. I have those moments where I see a large round belly and think that I would have a nice one of those by now. I would have known the sex of the baby for awhile by now and would be buying pink or blue. Seeing a newborn baby is bittersweet. For the most part, though, my heart feels strong and I feel that the grieving has ended. This month of trying again has brought about the final chapter in that grieving process. Well, maybe not the final chapter but definitely one of the later chapters where the happy ending is beginning to unfold.

Will I try again? Hard to say. The Estrobalance just didn’t agree with my system this time and so I know that it isn’t something I can just take all the time. I wasn’t consistent with it because of that and positive that my inability to take it the proper way contributed to my lack of success with it this month. I’m taking my Red Raspberry Leaf capsules to regulate my hormones gently and will continue to do my very best to listen carefully to what my Father is speaking to me on the subject. Right now my life is so consumed with moving and taking care of the 3 amazing children that I already have that I feel full and at peace with the way things are.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the road I’ve been on since the last miscarriage and have come to some conclusions that are beginning to make some sense to me. I would have never chosen to lose my last 2 babies, but without those losses I would have never began this blog and my hope is that their short lives somehow set the wheels in motion to get information needed to would-be mamas out there so that new babies will be brought into this world. After the move is settled and my head stops spinning I am going to give this blog the attention it deserves so that it can be used in the way I dreamed it would be. So stay tuned!

I’m having some difficulties with the Estrobalance. Interesting when I look back upon my experience with this supplement that the first time I took it I do not recall any issues at all with stomach upset. Then when I took it again 3 years ago, I do remember having some problems. At first, I didn’t correlate it with the Estrobalance since it didn’t happen the first time I took it but after a couple of weeks I began to suspect that the tummy troubles were a result of taking it. I was further convinced when it disappeared as soon as the product was stopped. This time around it has been even more severe. After 4 days of taking it, I began to feel like I was being poisoned. I continued until day 10 but then realized that baby or no baby I was really not going to be able to keep it up. I took a breather for a day and let my system rest and then picked it back up 2 days ago just taking 1 a day instead of the 2 that I have taken before. I have no idea if that will affect it’s effectiveness or not, but it’s really all I can do.

I have spent hours on the internet trying to find any info on why it is causing this disturbing side effect. Nothing. I can find no research that indicates that it has any side effects at all. The active ingredient in it is DIM and it has been hailed as being very safe with no side effects. I found no evidence that it causes any sort of intestinal issues whatsoever. However, Estrobalance does contain lecithin and although that is a healthy ingredient in large doses it can have the undesirable effect that I have been experiencing. I suspect that could be my problem. Too much lecithin or a sensitivity to lecithin. Of course, that is just my uneducated opinion from an evening surfing the net.

I have felt better on the 1 a day. Still a bit of nausea but just a touch. If anyone is reading this and trying it out I just want you to forewarned that this could occur and I would really like to hear from you if it does. I don’t know if it is just me or not. If I do get pregnant with the 1 a day I think that I’m going to change the recommendation on my site to just 1 a day. I want others to get that baby that they want but I would love to have them suffer as little as possible to get that desire.

Okay, I have decided that one of the very hardest parts of this whole miscarriage experience has been that it is putting us back into the area of decision-making. That’s an area that I loathe being in when it comes to family size. For so many people it is just cut and dry, but because of our experiences and our values it just isn’t that easy for us. It wasn’t hard at all to decide that we wanted our first child and after having him it was only natural for us to want to add a sibling to the family. However, adding a third child was a a bit more debatable, but we still had the yearning for a possible girl baby since we already had 2 boys, so again, it wasn’t out of the ordinary to want to go for a third when we had 2 of the same gender (although, honestly, we really didn’t mind if we had another boy). We got our girl, though, and we felt at the time that after her birth that our family was complete. So, why oh why, do we keep standing in this place of decision? Why can’t we just feel like it is time to move on and watch our children grow up? I’m so happy with my family and content that we are all we need so why can’t I just get my tubes tied? Why can’t my husband go get a vasectomy? No more struggles, no more wondering, no more decision? We could start planning our future, knowing at what point diapers, potty-training, preschool, Barney and Strawberry Shortcake would be no more. We could foresee when our nest would be empty, when we could finally take that trip to Europe that we have been talking about since our college days. Why is it that we just can’t feel at peace to put an end to this season of our lives? I just don’t have an answer for that.

The hardest part about all of this is that we totally felt that God was leading us to have another baby this time around. We felt so confident in that we went ahead and ordered our Estrobalance and were waiting for my cycle to begin so that we could start it. That period never came and we conceived naturally. It was as if God was giving us an extra gift by allowing us to not even have to use the supplement and we felt even more convinced than ever that we were doing exactly what we should be and that baby #4 was totally right for us. It was such a relief to no longer have to wonder if we should have any more children…the decision was being made for us and it all seemed to make sense. We told each other that we felt more confident that baby #4 was the right thing than we did with #3 or even #2! So, why, when we felt so much peace about it and felt so sure that we were meant to have that baby did it have to end? Where does it leave us? Where do we go from here?

A few days ago, after spending so much of my time pondering all of this I decided that we had bought the Estrobalance to have another baby and we should just go ahead and use it. I just don’t believe, now, that I can carry a baby conceived without it and need it to get my estrogen-dominance in check and my hormones in just the right balance so that the embryo has the best possible chance at life. I have to admit, that back in October when we ordered it I began having second thoughts about taking it even though I know that it was the right thing for us to order it (long story that I may share later). I have always secretly struggled with the thought that by using our “formula” we have somehow forced the children that we have into this world and that maybe it wasn’t right. I’ve prayed that I would get pregnant without the aid of the supplement if I were to ever get pregnant again so that I don’t have to live with those negative thoughts which I knew would even be worse if we used it to get into the not-so-average family size of 4 children.

Well, the LORD has given me that desire twice this year but both times it has ended the same way. I realized the other day, though, that I feel much less guilty about using our supplements, now, because of the miscarriages. I realize, now, that I have a condition that requires help in order to deliver healthy children and that God gave me that answer years ago and has blessed us twice through it now and really there is no way for me to honestly believe that these 2 miracles could somehow be a mistake. When I had this lightbulb moment I decided that we should, indeed, take the Estrobalance and I felt light and happy and relieved that the answer seemed obvious. I went straight back to my husband’s office and shared all my thoughts with him and he said that he completely agreed. It felt good that we decided to try again. I felt peace.

Then last night I couldn’t sleep and lay awake for several hours. It had been a rough night with the kids. My 5 year old decided to throw a fit at 1:30am when he didn’t get his way and he woke up my 2 year old. During the time that I couldn’t sleep all I could think was that our 3 children are more than enough and we need to just do something permanent to stop procreating and move on. That’s such an easier way to go…ending the uncertainty once and for all. It sounds so good. I’ve been miserable again today.

Decisions. This one is just too tough. You know, though, now that I’m writing it all out I see clearly that trying again=hope, happiness, peace and giving up=sadness. Maybe the decision isn’t so tough. Hmmmmmm.