Okay, I have decided that one of the very hardest parts of this whole miscarriage experience has been that it is putting us back into the area of decision-making. That’s an area that I loathe being in when it comes to family size. For so many people it is just cut and dry, but because of our experiences and our values it just isn’t that easy for us. It wasn’t hard at all to decide that we wanted our first child and after having him it was only natural for us to want to add a sibling to the family. However, adding a third child was a a bit more debatable, but we still had the yearning for a possible girl baby since we already had 2 boys, so again, it wasn’t out of the ordinary to want to go for a third when we had 2 of the same gender (although, honestly, we really didn’t mind if we had another boy). We got our girl, though, and we felt at the time that after her birth that our family was complete. So, why oh why, do we keep standing in this place of decision? Why can’t we just feel like it is time to move on and watch our children grow up? I’m so happy with my family and content that we are all we need so why can’t I just get my tubes tied? Why can’t my husband go get a vasectomy? No more struggles, no more wondering, no more decision? We could start planning our future, knowing at what point diapers, potty-training, preschool, Barney and Strawberry Shortcake would be no more. We could foresee when our nest would be empty, when we could finally take that trip to Europe that we have been talking about since our college days. Why is it that we just can’t feel at peace to put an end to this season of our lives? I just don’t have an answer for that.

The hardest part about all of this is that we totally felt that God was leading us to have another baby this time around. We felt so confident in that we went ahead and ordered our Estrobalance and were waiting for my cycle to begin so that we could start it. That period never came and we conceived naturally. It was as if God was giving us an extra gift by allowing us to not even have to use the supplement and we felt even more convinced than ever that we were doing exactly what we should be and that baby #4 was totally right for us. It was such a relief to no longer have to wonder if we should have any more children…the decision was being made for us and it all seemed to make sense. We told each other that we felt more confident that baby #4 was the right thing than we did with #3 or even #2! So, why, when we felt so much peace about it and felt so sure that we were meant to have that baby did it have to end? Where does it leave us? Where do we go from here?

A few days ago, after spending so much of my time pondering all of this I decided that we had bought the Estrobalance to have another baby and we should just go ahead and use it. I just don’t believe, now, that I can carry a baby conceived without it and need it to get my estrogen-dominance in check and my hormones in just the right balance so that the embryo has the best possible chance at life. I have to admit, that back in October when we ordered it I began having second thoughts about taking it even though I know that it was the right thing for us to order it (long story that I may share later). I have always secretly struggled with the thought that by using our “formula” we have somehow forced the children that we have into this world and that maybe it wasn’t right. I’ve prayed that I would get pregnant without the aid of the supplement if I were to ever get pregnant again so that I don’t have to live with those negative thoughts which I knew would even be worse if we used it to get into the not-so-average family size of 4 children.

Well, the LORD has given me that desire twice this year but both times it has ended the same way. I realized the other day, though, that I feel much less guilty about using our supplements, now, because of the miscarriages. I realize, now, that I have a condition that requires help in order to deliver healthy children and that God gave me that answer years ago and has blessed us twice through it now and really there is no way for me to honestly believe that these 2 miracles could somehow be a mistake. When I had this lightbulb moment I decided that we should, indeed, take the Estrobalance and I felt light and happy and relieved that the answer seemed obvious. I went straight back to my husband’s office and shared all my thoughts with him and he said that he completely agreed. It felt good that we decided to try again. I felt peace.

Then last night I couldn’t sleep and lay awake for several hours. It had been a rough night with the kids. My 5 year old decided to throw a fit at 1:30am when he didn’t get his way and he woke up my 2 year old. During the time that I couldn’t sleep all I could think was that our 3 children are more than enough and we need to just do something permanent to stop procreating and move on. That’s such an easier way to go…ending the uncertainty once and for all. It sounds so good. I’ve been miserable again today.

Decisions. This one is just too tough. You know, though, now that I’m writing it all out I see clearly that trying again=hope, happiness, peace and giving up=sadness. Maybe the decision isn’t so tough. Hmmmmmm.