So, my story is getting kind of boring.
I have had this idea for a long time but wasn’t sure about it. See, I really want this site to be interactive. I want to hear about you more than I want to talk about me. This site began as a way for me to vent all my feelings as I went through my second miscarriage and as a way to spread the word about the remarkable recovery from infertility that I experienced through diet and supplements so others could get their happy ending. Well, I have vented (and vented) and will continue to as events unfold in my own journey. I want to hear from others more, though, and I want BabyStruggles to be a community of individuals who can relate and encourage one another through the ups and downs of realizing our dreams of motherhood. I want others to be able to share their success stories because what works for some of us may not for all of us but had it not been for a message board that I stumbled upon nearly 7 years ago I may not have had my own miracle children. I dream of BabyStruggles being a place where others will find the information that they need to make their desires a reality the same way I did. I desire a place where we can uplift one another spiritually as fellow Believers or love and encourage those who are not.

I just set the board up today and I’m publicly stating at this moment that I am in no way knowledgeable about operating a message board so please bear with me as we make it work! Please take a minute and join, though, so we can build it. You will find the link in the sidebar…kind of far down until I can figure out how to move it up some. I look forward to building community with you!

Yes, I am cutting the Master Cleanse a bit short but I feel very successful, anyway, and am proud of myself for making it a week. I really believe that I could continue until Sunday as originally planned but I feel like it’s time to stop. There are 3 days of “breaking the fast” where I still can’t eat and that will put me at Monday to be able to eat again. I like the idea of starting off next week with a fresh start. Tomorrow I replace the lemon drink with orange juice but still no food. On Saturday I will drink OJ all day and then have some vegetable broth for dinner. Finally, on Sunday I can have some vegetable soup. After that, it’s back to eating a variety of healthy foods…yea!

I think I may have gotten AF back but not sure. The last of my miscarriage spotting ended last Monday, just 10 days before this came, and from what I have read that means that it isn’t real AF but still miscarriage. However, it came nearly exactly 28 days from the day of the actual miscarriage and it seems just like a period, so I just don’t know what to think. I’m a little bummed because I was hoping that I would get my period after the cleanse and then I could start my Estrobalance but I don’t want to do it if this is still just a continuation of the miscarriage. I had heard that I could start bleeding again while doing the cleanse since it could cause more tissue to be released so maybe that’s what it is. I don’t know but if it is really AF it means that I have a whole month to wait before we can try again and that is hard for me to accept, although I know that it is healthy to have some time in between the miscarriage and a new pregnancy. I’m just being impatient.

Okay, my headache is way better today and I feel pretty good for the most part. It is hard for me to believe that I haven’t eaten anything since Thursday night and I’m not hungry. I still want to eat but I’m not hungry. I just miss the taste of food. I found that making the children dinner tonight wasn’t that hard. Just being near food and going through a food routine was somehow comforting and not difficult at all. However, my biggest challenge is watching them eat and then when they leave perfectly good food on their plates. It is so hard not to just pop it into my mouth! Today, my husband busted open a big bag of tortilla chips and black bean dip and I felt anger well up instantly. How could he DARE eat right in front of me???:-) I find that it is best just to stay away from where others are eating.

My husband and I had a talk this morning about the miscarriage. He has been way more affected than he has been letting on and he’s having a hard time. You know, when women miscarry other women tend to, at least, try to comfort us but usually say very little to the father. At least, that has been our experience. Other men may basically say “sorry, man” but they don’t seem to offer the same support that a woman does even if they have gone through it themselves. Between being strong for the mom and men just not discussing such things with one another it can be very tough on the dad. Men are expected to get over it quicker, too, and it’s not just something that you can snap out of. He lost a baby, too. I remember the morning before we went to the ultrasound one of the first things he said was, “I’m really excited about having another baby!”. He had said that many times before and I know that he wanted the baby but it was how he said it that day that was unique, like he’d finally really come to terms with what it all meant to him and to me and to us all as a family. He’d mulled it over in his brain time and time again and could finally say with complete confidence that, yes, he was ready for this. I already had my suspicions at that point that the ultrasound was not going to go well and a little piece of my heart broke when he said that. I know that more than a little piece of his broke just a few hours later. I am resolved to make a conscious effort to not forget to offer a comforting word to the next dad I know that loses a baby.

Okay, so my last post was a difficult read. It was a difficult write, taking me several days to complete but I wanted to get it all out so that I could move on and each day I feel a little more like I am moving on. Today marks 1 week since the miscarriage and I am a bit surprised at how much better I feel. No way am I through with all the pain, I don’t suppose that will ever go away, but I am feeling more and more “normal” again with each day. A few days ago, 4 days after the miscarriage, I felt myself slipping into depression and becoming overwhelmed by my emotions but, by the grace of God, I managed to avoid falling any further down. I feel stronger. Of course, this is today. Tomorrow…who knows? I’m thankful for feeling better today, though, and, after all, we can only just live one day at a time.