So, my story is getting kind of boring.
I have had this idea for a long time but wasn’t sure about it. See, I really want this site to be interactive. I want to hear about you more than I want to talk about me. This site began as a way for me to vent all my feelings as I went through my second miscarriage and as a way to spread the word about the remarkable recovery from infertility that I experienced through diet and supplements so others could get their happy ending. Well, I have vented (and vented) and will continue to as events unfold in my own journey. I want to hear from others more, though, and I want BabyStruggles to be a community of individuals who can relate and encourage one another through the ups and downs of realizing our dreams of motherhood. I want others to be able to share their success stories because what works for some of us may not for all of us but had it not been for a message board that I stumbled upon nearly 7 years ago I may not have had my own miracle children. I dream of BabyStruggles being a place where others will find the information that they need to make their desires a reality the same way I did. I desire a place where we can uplift one another spiritually as fellow Believers or love and encourage those who are not.

I just set the board up today and I’m publicly stating at this moment that I am in no way knowledgeable about operating a message board so please bear with me as we make it work! Please take a minute and join, though, so we can build it. You will find the link in the sidebar…kind of far down until I can figure out how to move it up some. I look forward to building community with you!

Estrobalance has worked the first month I took it twice now, but I think that I’m ending my “winning streak” with it. It’s too early to verify that belief 100% but I know my body and my body says not this time.

The good thing is that I’m really okay with it. Surprisingly, okay. Yes, I would have loved to find that we are expecting again but I also know that I can’t see all the ins and outs of what that would mean and if God didn’t allow it then He has a good reason and I trust in His divine wisdom over my own any day. I’ve lived long enough to know when I force something I want, disregarding what He has to say on it, overlooking the obvious signs that I’m not on His best path for me or justifying my decision in my own head, it never turns out well. I wish I had no track record of such behavior, but I certainly do and I don’t want to go down that path again.

I believe that the reason I felt led to continue with our plans to take the Estrobalance was to aid in my miscarriage healing. I had to try again in order to get to where I am now which is on the other side of the darkness where I am able to feel normal again. It’s been nearly 3 months and it still stings. I am certain that it always will but I don’t think about it all the time now. I have those moments where I see a large round belly and think that I would have a nice one of those by now. I would have known the sex of the baby for awhile by now and would be buying pink or blue. Seeing a newborn baby is bittersweet. For the most part, though, my heart feels strong and I feel that the grieving has ended. This month of trying again has brought about the final chapter in that grieving process. Well, maybe not the final chapter but definitely one of the later chapters where the happy ending is beginning to unfold.

Will I try again? Hard to say. The Estrobalance just didn’t agree with my system this time and so I know that it isn’t something I can just take all the time. I wasn’t consistent with it because of that and positive that my inability to take it the proper way contributed to my lack of success with it this month. I’m taking my Red Raspberry Leaf capsules to regulate my hormones gently and will continue to do my very best to listen carefully to what my Father is speaking to me on the subject. Right now my life is so consumed with moving and taking care of the 3 amazing children that I already have that I feel full and at peace with the way things are.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the road I’ve been on since the last miscarriage and have come to some conclusions that are beginning to make some sense to me. I would have never chosen to lose my last 2 babies, but without those losses I would have never began this blog and my hope is that their short lives somehow set the wheels in motion to get information needed to would-be mamas out there so that new babies will be brought into this world. After the move is settled and my head stops spinning I am going to give this blog the attention it deserves so that it can be used in the way I dreamed it would be. So stay tuned!

I’m having some difficulties with the Estrobalance. Interesting when I look back upon my experience with this supplement that the first time I took it I do not recall any issues at all with stomach upset. Then when I took it again 3 years ago, I do remember having some problems. At first, I didn’t correlate it with the Estrobalance since it didn’t happen the first time I took it but after a couple of weeks I began to suspect that the tummy troubles were a result of taking it. I was further convinced when it disappeared as soon as the product was stopped. This time around it has been even more severe. After 4 days of taking it, I began to feel like I was being poisoned. I continued until day 10 but then realized that baby or no baby I was really not going to be able to keep it up. I took a breather for a day and let my system rest and then picked it back up 2 days ago just taking 1 a day instead of the 2 that I have taken before. I have no idea if that will affect it’s effectiveness or not, but it’s really all I can do.

I have spent hours on the internet trying to find any info on why it is causing this disturbing side effect. Nothing. I can find no research that indicates that it has any side effects at all. The active ingredient in it is DIM and it has been hailed as being very safe with no side effects. I found no evidence that it causes any sort of intestinal issues whatsoever. However, Estrobalance does contain lecithin and although that is a healthy ingredient in large doses it can have the undesirable effect that I have been experiencing. I suspect that could be my problem. Too much lecithin or a sensitivity to lecithin. Of course, that is just my uneducated opinion from an evening surfing the net.

I have felt better on the 1 a day. Still a bit of nausea but just a touch. If anyone is reading this and trying it out I just want you to forewarned that this could occur and I would really like to hear from you if it does. I don’t know if it is just me or not. If I do get pregnant with the 1 a day I think that I’m going to change the recommendation on my site to just 1 a day. I want others to get that baby that they want but I would love to have them suffer as little as possible to get that desire.

Okay, I have decided that one of the very hardest parts of this whole miscarriage experience has been that it is putting us back into the area of decision-making. That’s an area that I loathe being in when it comes to family size. For so many people it is just cut and dry, but because of our experiences and our values it just isn’t that easy for us. It wasn’t hard at all to decide that we wanted our first child and after having him it was only natural for us to want to add a sibling to the family. However, adding a third child was a a bit more debatable, but we still had the yearning for a possible girl baby since we already had 2 boys, so again, it wasn’t out of the ordinary to want to go for a third when we had 2 of the same gender (although, honestly, we really didn’t mind if we had another boy). We got our girl, though, and we felt at the time that after her birth that our family was complete. So, why oh why, do we keep standing in this place of decision? Why can’t we just feel like it is time to move on and watch our children grow up? I’m so happy with my family and content that we are all we need so why can’t I just get my tubes tied? Why can’t my husband go get a vasectomy? No more struggles, no more wondering, no more decision? We could start planning our future, knowing at what point diapers, potty-training, preschool, Barney and Strawberry Shortcake would be no more. We could foresee when our nest would be empty, when we could finally take that trip to Europe that we have been talking about since our college days. Why is it that we just can’t feel at peace to put an end to this season of our lives? I just don’t have an answer for that.

The hardest part about all of this is that we totally felt that God was leading us to have another baby this time around. We felt so confident in that we went ahead and ordered our Estrobalance and were waiting for my cycle to begin so that we could start it. That period never came and we conceived naturally. It was as if God was giving us an extra gift by allowing us to not even have to use the supplement and we felt even more convinced than ever that we were doing exactly what we should be and that baby #4 was totally right for us. It was such a relief to no longer have to wonder if we should have any more children…the decision was being made for us and it all seemed to make sense. We told each other that we felt more confident that baby #4 was the right thing than we did with #3 or even #2! So, why, when we felt so much peace about it and felt so sure that we were meant to have that baby did it have to end? Where does it leave us? Where do we go from here?

A few days ago, after spending so much of my time pondering all of this I decided that we had bought the Estrobalance to have another baby and we should just go ahead and use it. I just don’t believe, now, that I can carry a baby conceived without it and need it to get my estrogen-dominance in check and my hormones in just the right balance so that the embryo has the best possible chance at life. I have to admit, that back in October when we ordered it I began having second thoughts about taking it even though I know that it was the right thing for us to order it (long story that I may share later). I have always secretly struggled with the thought that by using our “formula” we have somehow forced the children that we have into this world and that maybe it wasn’t right. I’ve prayed that I would get pregnant without the aid of the supplement if I were to ever get pregnant again so that I don’t have to live with those negative thoughts which I knew would even be worse if we used it to get into the not-so-average family size of 4 children.

Well, the LORD has given me that desire twice this year but both times it has ended the same way. I realized the other day, though, that I feel much less guilty about using our supplements, now, because of the miscarriages. I realize, now, that I have a condition that requires help in order to deliver healthy children and that God gave me that answer years ago and has blessed us twice through it now and really there is no way for me to honestly believe that these 2 miracles could somehow be a mistake. When I had this lightbulb moment I decided that we should, indeed, take the Estrobalance and I felt light and happy and relieved that the answer seemed obvious. I went straight back to my husband’s office and shared all my thoughts with him and he said that he completely agreed. It felt good that we decided to try again. I felt peace.

Then last night I couldn’t sleep and lay awake for several hours. It had been a rough night with the kids. My 5 year old decided to throw a fit at 1:30am when he didn’t get his way and he woke up my 2 year old. During the time that I couldn’t sleep all I could think was that our 3 children are more than enough and we need to just do something permanent to stop procreating and move on. That’s such an easier way to go…ending the uncertainty once and for all. It sounds so good. I’ve been miserable again today.

Decisions. This one is just too tough. You know, though, now that I’m writing it all out I see clearly that trying again=hope, happiness, peace and giving up=sadness. Maybe the decision isn’t so tough. Hmmmmmm.