life changes.

You really just never know what is around the corner at any given time.

More to come…

So, my story is getting kind of boring.
I have had this idea for a long time but wasn’t sure about it. See, I really want this site to be interactive. I want to hear about you more than I want to talk about me. This site began as a way for me to vent all my feelings as I went through my second miscarriage and as a way to spread the word about the remarkable recovery from infertility that I experienced through diet and supplements so others could get their happy ending. Well, I have vented (and vented) and will continue to as events unfold in my own journey. I want to hear from others more, though, and I want BabyStruggles to be a community of individuals who can relate and encourage one another through the ups and downs of realizing our dreams of motherhood. I want others to be able to share their success stories because what works for some of us may not for all of us but had it not been for a message board that I stumbled upon nearly 7 years ago I may not have had my own miracle children. I dream of BabyStruggles being a place where others will find the information that they need to make their desires a reality the same way I did. I desire a place where we can uplift one another spiritually as fellow Believers or love and encourage those who are not.

I just set the board up today and I’m publicly stating at this moment that I am in no way knowledgeable about operating a message board so please bear with me as we make it work! Please take a minute and join, though, so we can build it. You will find the link in the sidebar…kind of far down until I can figure out how to move it up some. I look forward to building community with you!

Boy, did we need that! Our vacation was absolutely wonderful despite the fact that AF DID make her ugly appearance the day that we left just as scheduled. I was determined not to let that spoil the week for us, though, and for the most part I didn’t. I tried to soak up every bit of peace and tranquility that surrounded me. We aren’t exactly “beach people”. My husband and I are about the fairest skinned people you may ever meet and I can’t stand going to the beach during “swimsuit competition season”. Obviously we aren’t sunbathers or anything, but the beauty and power of the sea draws us to it, nonetheless. Because of our distaste for typical beach culture, we like to go in the off season and we prefer the remote beaches of Cape Hatteras on the Outer Banks of NC. So that’s where we have been for the past week and neither one of us wanted to come back home.

I want to thank each of you who commented on my last post. You have no idea the impact that your encouraging words and prayers have on my heart. My eyes nearly always fill with tears as I read through the comments, especially from those who are struggling right along with me. Please know that you are in my prayers as well.

While enjoying a moment of solitude on the upper deck of our beach house overlooking the Atlantic Ocean one afternoon this song came on my Ipod. It’s been on there for a long time after I downloaded the whole album a year or so ago and I’ve always liked the song, but it spoke to me in a new way that day. Rather than going into how I’m feeling these days, I will let the song say it for me. I was pleased to find this version of it because it had so much beach imagery and made it just perfect. Here it is…

Estrobalance has worked the first month I took it twice now, but I think that I’m ending my “winning streak” with it. It’s too early to verify that belief 100% but I know my body and my body says not this time.

The good thing is that I’m really okay with it. Surprisingly, okay. Yes, I would have loved to find that we are expecting again but I also know that I can’t see all the ins and outs of what that would mean and if God didn’t allow it then He has a good reason and I trust in His divine wisdom over my own any day. I’ve lived long enough to know when I force something I want, disregarding what He has to say on it, overlooking the obvious signs that I’m not on His best path for me or justifying my decision in my own head, it never turns out well. I wish I had no track record of such behavior, but I certainly do and I don’t want to go down that path again.

I believe that the reason I felt led to continue with our plans to take the Estrobalance was to aid in my miscarriage healing. I had to try again in order to get to where I am now which is on the other side of the darkness where I am able to feel normal again. It’s been nearly 3 months and it still stings. I am certain that it always will but I don’t think about it all the time now. I have those moments where I see a large round belly and think that I would have a nice one of those by now. I would have known the sex of the baby for awhile by now and would be buying pink or blue. Seeing a newborn baby is bittersweet. For the most part, though, my heart feels strong and I feel that the grieving has ended. This month of trying again has brought about the final chapter in that grieving process. Well, maybe not the final chapter but definitely one of the later chapters where the happy ending is beginning to unfold.

Will I try again? Hard to say. The Estrobalance just didn’t agree with my system this time and so I know that it isn’t something I can just take all the time. I wasn’t consistent with it because of that and positive that my inability to take it the proper way contributed to my lack of success with it this month. I’m taking my Red Raspberry Leaf capsules to regulate my hormones gently and will continue to do my very best to listen carefully to what my Father is speaking to me on the subject. Right now my life is so consumed with moving and taking care of the 3 amazing children that I already have that I feel full and at peace with the way things are.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the road I’ve been on since the last miscarriage and have come to some conclusions that are beginning to make some sense to me. I would have never chosen to lose my last 2 babies, but without those losses I would have never began this blog and my hope is that their short lives somehow set the wheels in motion to get information needed to would-be mamas out there so that new babies will be brought into this world. After the move is settled and my head stops spinning I am going to give this blog the attention it deserves so that it can be used in the way I dreamed it would be. So stay tuned!

I’m having some difficulties with the Estrobalance. Interesting when I look back upon my experience with this supplement that the first time I took it I do not recall any issues at all with stomach upset. Then when I took it again 3 years ago, I do remember having some problems. At first, I didn’t correlate it with the Estrobalance since it didn’t happen the first time I took it but after a couple of weeks I began to suspect that the tummy troubles were a result of taking it. I was further convinced when it disappeared as soon as the product was stopped. This time around it has been even more severe. After 4 days of taking it, I began to feel like I was being poisoned. I continued until day 10 but then realized that baby or no baby I was really not going to be able to keep it up. I took a breather for a day and let my system rest and then picked it back up 2 days ago just taking 1 a day instead of the 2 that I have taken before. I have no idea if that will affect it’s effectiveness or not, but it’s really all I can do.

I have spent hours on the internet trying to find any info on why it is causing this disturbing side effect. Nothing. I can find no research that indicates that it has any side effects at all. The active ingredient in it is DIM and it has been hailed as being very safe with no side effects. I found no evidence that it causes any sort of intestinal issues whatsoever. However, Estrobalance does contain lecithin and although that is a healthy ingredient in large doses it can have the undesirable effect that I have been experiencing. I suspect that could be my problem. Too much lecithin or a sensitivity to lecithin. Of course, that is just my uneducated opinion from an evening surfing the net.

I have felt better on the 1 a day. Still a bit of nausea but just a touch. If anyone is reading this and trying it out I just want you to forewarned that this could occur and I would really like to hear from you if it does. I don’t know if it is just me or not. If I do get pregnant with the 1 a day I think that I’m going to change the recommendation on my site to just 1 a day. I want others to get that baby that they want but I would love to have them suffer as little as possible to get that desire.

I have not been posting like I want to but I do have a good excuse. We’re moving! We are looking all over for our next house and I have spent nearly every day driving all over the place looking at possibilities. It’s a difficult and frustrating job but exciting at the same time. However, we, at this point, are just ready to find the right home for us.

Today I got AF and so today is when I am to begin the Estrobalance. With all the new changes, I was unclear if we should proceed but we decided to not let the move put our plans on hold. We’re not getting any younger, and we’re ready. I didn’t take any today, though, because I started in the afternoon and we’ve been running around all day. I’ll start tomorrow. Although, I may end up taking at least a dose tonight. Ironically, I started while at my friend’s baby shower. Which, by the way, turned out so great.

It will be interesting to see if the stress of the move will mean that we don’t get pregnant the first month like we have in the past. Also, curious whether my age will make it less effective. I’m 36 now. I’ve also been eating dairy and I wasn’t the other two times. I’m eating organic, hormone free dairy and not a bunch of it but wondering whether eating it will have any different effect. Didn’t I say once that I felt like a science experiment? Well, yeah…I am. I’d really hate to break my get-pregnant-the-first-month-I-take-it record, but it will be good to see what variables contribute to it’s effectiveness.

It’s been about 6 weeks now since I did the Master Cleanse and I’m still benefitting from it.
The most obvious way I know is that I have truly lost my sweet tooth. I still have no desire for anything sweet. At least, not anything sweeter than a muffin made with honey or some agave nectar in a cup of tea. I like a bit of natural sweetener here or there but the thought of a Snicker bar or cheesecake or a cinnamon roll…anything sugary sweet does not sound appealing. That is incredible to me. I had a HUGE sweet tooth! I used to wonder what in the world people were thinking when they would say things like, “Oh it’s so sweet. I can’t eat all of that, it’s just too rich”. I didn’t meet anything sweet that I couldn’t eat a whole lot of. To me, nothing was “too sweet”. Today at the shower I was given a scone with lemon curd and coddled cream. I knew it had white sugar in it and was about to pass but I didn’t want to be rude so I accepted it. I took a bite and it was delicious but very difficult for me to eat…it was just too sweet. I’ve become one of those too sweet people! I never thought it could happen to me. It’s giving me hope that I can stay on the healthy food diet for the long term, though, this time around.

Hmmmmm…moving and morning sickness…I must be crazy.

Yes, by the looks of my last post I hid out for a day in order to not admit to my miserable failure with the Master Cleanse! I’m happy to report that I have persevered and am now on day 5 of NO FOOD. It hasn’t been easy. The most tempting part is not to binge but to just put a piece of popcorn in my mouth when the kids are eating it or a slice of cheese while I am preparing a cheese and crackers snack for them. One little cheddar bunny wouldn’t hurt, right? Wrong. I know that even a bite of something at this point would mess with the whole cleanse and I’ve come too far now to do anything to sabotage my hard work.

I do feel like my tummy is revolting in a way, though. It seems that yesterday and today I have been hungrier. The first few days I really wasn’t hungry and then I was only that way at night when I stopped drinking the lemon concoction so that I didn’t spend the entire night with a full bladder and running to the bathroom. I like my sleep too much for that. Now I am finding myself getting hungry soon after drinking my lemonade and that is frustrating. I think that maybe I am going too long between drinks or something. I don’t know but it’s been a challenge to not give in to that hunger. Knowing that when I go to bed tonight I will be halfway to my goal is a good feeling, though, and is keeping me going today.

On a completely different subject, I was reminded today of the anguish of infertility after speaking to someone who I found is going through it. It is a pain that even after getting through it 5 years ago, now, is still so fresh to me. I don’t think that I will ever get over it and, in some ways, I hope that I don’t. As long as it is fresh then my heart is still tender towards those experiencing it. I don’t take my children for granted. I know how hard they were to get in my arms and I still know how awful it was when I couldn’t see them in my future and didn’t know whether I would ever hold another baby to my breast again.

I was thinking about my previous post, Decisions, when I was wondering why my husband and I just can’t stop trying to have more babies. There was a time when I would have given anything to have one baby, then those 6 years of so desperately wanting just one more. It would seem that after 3 we would just be happy with what we have. We are SO happy! It’s not that we are not content with what we have. If my uterus fell out tomorrow I would have no regrets (well, other than the mess-sorry, I know…gross). I am completely content with the amazing family that the LORD has given us. For us it’s a different story than those that take their reproduction for granted. After spending so many years hoping for a child we came to value them in a way that is beyond words and stand in awe at the miraculous way in which everything must come together just perfectly for them to get here. To beg God to make us fertile, and then to go and put and end to that incredible ability that he gave us seems completely selfish and ungrateful. We just can’t do it. We’ll take as few or as many as He chooses to give. Our efforts to “help things along” are only done when we feel His leading. Even though, the diet and supplements have worked for us before, it is still God who is ultimately in charge of their success each time and we know this.

I woke up feeling great today with no headache and no hunger. What happened??? For the past 3 hours my stomach has been growling! I drank my lemonade and it still didn’t satisfy…I’m so hungry! I’m starting to wonder if I can really do this for another week. I don’t want to be a quitter. Oh, how I want to sink my teeth into some yummy food, though! Even the strict food requirements of the Eating Alive diet sound like a scrumptious feast to me right now…oh just to have a cracker right now…a plain old unsalted tasteless cracker…heaven…mmmmmmm.

All I have the energy to report right now is that I want to eat really bad! No, I’m not hungry…my stomach hasn’t growled once but I want to put food in my mouth! Already this diet is making me realize how much I eat just to eat. Oh, and the other thing to report is that I have a nasty headache that makes it hard for me to open my eyes up all the way. My husband says I don’t look so good. I don’t feel so good!

Sweet little babies are so worth it, though…that’s what I keep telling myself. I’m doing this for a healthy baby. I can do this…I can.

I’m officially starting The Master Cleanse tomorrow morning. If you aren’t familiar with it then I will just say that I will not be eating any food for 10 days…yikes! Instead, I’ll be drinking a “lemonade” concoction which is water, some fresh lemon, some maple syrup and cayenne pepper. That is what my diet will consist of for the next week and a half. Why would I do something so crazy??? Well, it is supposed to be an amazing cleanse that is said to leave one full of energy and feeling great. I know the power of detoxing since I have used a liver-cleansing diet before my last 2 healthy pregnancies. I know that it does something incredible in my body to cleanse it. I really wanted to give this one a try this time, though, since it is faster and I’ve read so many great testimonials about it. I’m feeling extra yucky from all the bad foods I’ve eaten since the miscarriage. I have laughed a few times about the fact that I gained 3 pounds while pregnant and managed to gave another 5 since I lost it! Between Christmas goodies everywhere and comforting myself with food I have managed to eat in a way that I haven’t eaten in a very very long time and I feel it. Not only in extra weight but in sluggishness and brain fog. I’m looking forward to a fresh start with my system and hoping that a clean body will make the outcome of our next pregnancy (LORD willing) much better.

Oh, yeah…that does mean that we are TRYING AGAIN!