I have not been posting like I want to but I do have a good excuse. We’re moving! We are looking all over for our next house and I have spent nearly every day driving all over the place looking at possibilities. It’s a difficult and frustrating job but exciting at the same time. However, we, at this point, are just ready to find the right home for us.

Today I got AF and so today is when I am to begin the Estrobalance. With all the new changes, I was unclear if we should proceed but we decided to not let the move put our plans on hold. We’re not getting any younger, and we’re ready. I didn’t take any today, though, because I started in the afternoon and we’ve been running around all day. I’ll start tomorrow. Although, I may end up taking at least a dose tonight. Ironically, I started while at my friend’s baby shower. Which, by the way, turned out so great.

It will be interesting to see if the stress of the move will mean that we don’t get pregnant the first month like we have in the past. Also, curious whether my age will make it less effective. I’m 36 now. I’ve also been eating dairy and I wasn’t the other two times. I’m eating organic, hormone free dairy and not a bunch of it but wondering whether eating it will have any different effect. Didn’t I say once that I felt like a science experiment? Well, yeah…I am. I’d really hate to break my get-pregnant-the-first-month-I-take-it record, but it will be good to see what variables contribute to it’s effectiveness.

It’s been about 6 weeks now since I did the Master Cleanse and I’m still benefitting from it.
The most obvious way I know is that I have truly lost my sweet tooth. I still have no desire for anything sweet. At least, not anything sweeter than a muffin made with honey or some agave nectar in a cup of tea. I like a bit of natural sweetener here or there but the thought of a Snicker bar or cheesecake or a cinnamon roll…anything sugary sweet does not sound appealing. That is incredible to me. I had a HUGE sweet tooth! I used to wonder what in the world people were thinking when they would say things like, “Oh it’s so sweet. I can’t eat all of that, it’s just too rich”. I didn’t meet anything sweet that I couldn’t eat a whole lot of. To me, nothing was “too sweet”. Today at the shower I was given a scone with lemon curd and coddled cream. I knew it had white sugar in it and was about to pass but I didn’t want to be rude so I accepted it. I took a bite and it was delicious but very difficult for me to eat…it was just too sweet. I’ve become one of those too sweet people! I never thought it could happen to me. It’s giving me hope that I can stay on the healthy food diet for the long term, though, this time around.

Hmmmmm…moving and morning sickness…I must be crazy.

Yes, I am cutting the Master Cleanse a bit short but I feel very successful, anyway, and am proud of myself for making it a week. I really believe that I could continue until Sunday as originally planned but I feel like it’s time to stop. There are 3 days of “breaking the fast” where I still can’t eat and that will put me at Monday to be able to eat again. I like the idea of starting off next week with a fresh start. Tomorrow I replace the lemon drink with orange juice but still no food. On Saturday I will drink OJ all day and then have some vegetable broth for dinner. Finally, on Sunday I can have some vegetable soup. After that, it’s back to eating a variety of healthy foods…yea!

I think I may have gotten AF back but not sure. The last of my miscarriage spotting ended last Monday, just 10 days before this came, and from what I have read that means that it isn’t real AF but still miscarriage. However, it came nearly exactly 28 days from the day of the actual miscarriage and it seems just like a period, so I just don’t know what to think. I’m a little bummed because I was hoping that I would get my period after the cleanse and then I could start my Estrobalance but I don’t want to do it if this is still just a continuation of the miscarriage. I had heard that I could start bleeding again while doing the cleanse since it could cause more tissue to be released so maybe that’s what it is. I don’t know but if it is really AF it means that I have a whole month to wait before we can try again and that is hard for me to accept, although I know that it is healthy to have some time in between the miscarriage and a new pregnancy. I’m just being impatient.

Yes, by the looks of my last post I hid out for a day in order to not admit to my miserable failure with the Master Cleanse! I’m happy to report that I have persevered and am now on day 5 of NO FOOD. It hasn’t been easy. The most tempting part is not to binge but to just put a piece of popcorn in my mouth when the kids are eating it or a slice of cheese while I am preparing a cheese and crackers snack for them. One little cheddar bunny wouldn’t hurt, right? Wrong. I know that even a bite of something at this point would mess with the whole cleanse and I’ve come too far now to do anything to sabotage my hard work.

I do feel like my tummy is revolting in a way, though. It seems that yesterday and today I have been hungrier. The first few days I really wasn’t hungry and then I was only that way at night when I stopped drinking the lemon concoction so that I didn’t spend the entire night with a full bladder and running to the bathroom. I like my sleep too much for that. Now I am finding myself getting hungry soon after drinking my lemonade and that is frustrating. I think that maybe I am going too long between drinks or something. I don’t know but it’s been a challenge to not give in to that hunger. Knowing that when I go to bed tonight I will be halfway to my goal is a good feeling, though, and is keeping me going today.

On a completely different subject, I was reminded today of the anguish of infertility after speaking to someone who I found is going through it. It is a pain that even after getting through it 5 years ago, now, is still so fresh to me. I don’t think that I will ever get over it and, in some ways, I hope that I don’t. As long as it is fresh then my heart is still tender towards those experiencing it. I don’t take my children for granted. I know how hard they were to get in my arms and I still know how awful it was when I couldn’t see them in my future and didn’t know whether I would ever hold another baby to my breast again.

I was thinking about my previous post, Decisions, when I was wondering why my husband and I just can’t stop trying to have more babies. There was a time when I would have given anything to have one baby, then those 6 years of so desperately wanting just one more. It would seem that after 3 we would just be happy with what we have. We are SO happy! It’s not that we are not content with what we have. If my uterus fell out tomorrow I would have no regrets (well, other than the mess-sorry, I know…gross). I am completely content with the amazing family that the LORD has given us. For us it’s a different story than those that take their reproduction for granted. After spending so many years hoping for a child we came to value them in a way that is beyond words and stand in awe at the miraculous way in which everything must come together just perfectly for them to get here. To beg God to make us fertile, and then to go and put and end to that incredible ability that he gave us seems completely selfish and ungrateful. We just can’t do it. We’ll take as few or as many as He chooses to give. Our efforts to “help things along” are only done when we feel His leading. Even though, the diet and supplements have worked for us before, it is still God who is ultimately in charge of their success each time and we know this.

I woke up feeling great today with no headache and no hunger. What happened??? For the past 3 hours my stomach has been growling! I drank my lemonade and it still didn’t satisfy…I’m so hungry! I’m starting to wonder if I can really do this for another week. I don’t want to be a quitter. Oh, how I want to sink my teeth into some yummy food, though! Even the strict food requirements of the Eating Alive diet sound like a scrumptious feast to me right now…oh just to have a cracker right now…a plain old unsalted tasteless cracker…heaven…mmmmmmm.

Okay, my headache is way better today and I feel pretty good for the most part. It is hard for me to believe that I haven’t eaten anything since Thursday night and I’m not hungry. I still want to eat but I’m not hungry. I just miss the taste of food. I found that making the children dinner tonight wasn’t that hard. Just being near food and going through a food routine was somehow comforting and not difficult at all. However, my biggest challenge is watching them eat and then when they leave perfectly good food on their plates. It is so hard not to just pop it into my mouth! Today, my husband busted open a big bag of tortilla chips and black bean dip and I felt anger well up instantly. How could he DARE eat right in front of me???:-) I find that it is best just to stay away from where others are eating.

My husband and I had a talk this morning about the miscarriage. He has been way more affected than he has been letting on and he’s having a hard time. You know, when women miscarry other women tend to, at least, try to comfort us but usually say very little to the father. At least, that has been our experience. Other men may basically say “sorry, man” but they don’t seem to offer the same support that a woman does even if they have gone through it themselves. Between being strong for the mom and men just not discussing such things with one another it can be very tough on the dad. Men are expected to get over it quicker, too, and it’s not just something that you can snap out of. He lost a baby, too. I remember the morning before we went to the ultrasound one of the first things he said was, “I’m really excited about having another baby!”. He had said that many times before and I know that he wanted the baby but it was how he said it that day that was unique, like he’d finally really come to terms with what it all meant to him and to me and to us all as a family. He’d mulled it over in his brain time and time again and could finally say with complete confidence that, yes, he was ready for this. I already had my suspicions at that point that the ultrasound was not going to go well and a little piece of my heart broke when he said that. I know that more than a little piece of his broke just a few hours later. I am resolved to make a conscious effort to not forget to offer a comforting word to the next dad I know that loses a baby.

All I have the energy to report right now is that I want to eat really bad! No, I’m not hungry…my stomach hasn’t growled once but I want to put food in my mouth! Already this diet is making me realize how much I eat just to eat. Oh, and the other thing to report is that I have a nasty headache that makes it hard for me to open my eyes up all the way. My husband says I don’t look so good. I don’t feel so good!

Sweet little babies are so worth it, though…that’s what I keep telling myself. I’m doing this for a healthy baby. I can do this…I can.

I’m officially starting The Master Cleanse tomorrow morning. If you aren’t familiar with it then I will just say that I will not be eating any food for 10 days…yikes! Instead, I’ll be drinking a “lemonade” concoction which is water, some fresh lemon, some maple syrup and cayenne pepper. That is what my diet will consist of for the next week and a half. Why would I do something so crazy??? Well, it is supposed to be an amazing cleanse that is said to leave one full of energy and feeling great. I know the power of detoxing since I have used a liver-cleansing diet before my last 2 healthy pregnancies. I know that it does something incredible in my body to cleanse it. I really wanted to give this one a try this time, though, since it is faster and I’ve read so many great testimonials about it. I’m feeling extra yucky from all the bad foods I’ve eaten since the miscarriage. I have laughed a few times about the fact that I gained 3 pounds while pregnant and managed to gave another 5 since I lost it! Between Christmas goodies everywhere and comforting myself with food I have managed to eat in a way that I haven’t eaten in a very very long time and I feel it. Not only in extra weight but in sluggishness and brain fog. I’m looking forward to a fresh start with my system and hoping that a clean body will make the outcome of our next pregnancy (LORD willing) much better.

Oh, yeah…that does mean that we are TRYING AGAIN!