Yes, I am cutting the Master Cleanse a bit short but I feel very successful, anyway, and am proud of myself for making it a week. I really believe that I could continue until Sunday as originally planned but I feel like it’s time to stop. There are 3 days of “breaking the fast” where I still can’t eat and that will put me at Monday to be able to eat again. I like the idea of starting off next week with a fresh start. Tomorrow I replace the lemon drink with orange juice but still no food. On Saturday I will drink OJ all day and then have some vegetable broth for dinner. Finally, on Sunday I can have some vegetable soup. After that, it’s back to eating a variety of healthy foods…yea!

I think I may have gotten AF back but not sure. The last of my miscarriage spotting ended last Monday, just 10 days before this came, and from what I have read that means that it isn’t real AF but still miscarriage. However, it came nearly exactly 28 days from the day of the actual miscarriage and it seems just like a period, so I just don’t know what to think. I’m a little bummed because I was hoping that I would get my period after the cleanse and then I could start my Estrobalance but I don’t want to do it if this is still just a continuation of the miscarriage. I had heard that I could start bleeding again while doing the cleanse since it could cause more tissue to be released so maybe that’s what it is. I don’t know but if it is really AF it means that I have a whole month to wait before we can try again and that is hard for me to accept, although I know that it is healthy to have some time in between the miscarriage and a new pregnancy. I’m just being impatient.

Yes, by the looks of my last post I hid out for a day in order to not admit to my miserable failure with the Master Cleanse! I’m happy to report that I have persevered and am now on day 5 of NO FOOD. It hasn’t been easy. The most tempting part is not to binge but to just put a piece of popcorn in my mouth when the kids are eating it or a slice of cheese while I am preparing a cheese and crackers snack for them. One little cheddar bunny wouldn’t hurt, right? Wrong. I know that even a bite of something at this point would mess with the whole cleanse and I’ve come too far now to do anything to sabotage my hard work.

I do feel like my tummy is revolting in a way, though. It seems that yesterday and today I have been hungrier. The first few days I really wasn’t hungry and then I was only that way at night when I stopped drinking the lemon concoction so that I didn’t spend the entire night with a full bladder and running to the bathroom. I like my sleep too much for that. Now I am finding myself getting hungry soon after drinking my lemonade and that is frustrating. I think that maybe I am going too long between drinks or something. I don’t know but it’s been a challenge to not give in to that hunger. Knowing that when I go to bed tonight I will be halfway to my goal is a good feeling, though, and is keeping me going today.

On a completely different subject, I was reminded today of the anguish of infertility after speaking to someone who I found is going through it. It is a pain that even after getting through it 5 years ago, now, is still so fresh to me. I don’t think that I will ever get over it and, in some ways, I hope that I don’t. As long as it is fresh then my heart is still tender towards those experiencing it. I don’t take my children for granted. I know how hard they were to get in my arms and I still know how awful it was when I couldn’t see them in my future and didn’t know whether I would ever hold another baby to my breast again.

I was thinking about my previous post, Decisions, when I was wondering why my husband and I just can’t stop trying to have more babies. There was a time when I would have given anything to have one baby, then those 6 years of so desperately wanting just one more. It would seem that after 3 we would just be happy with what we have. We are SO happy! It’s not that we are not content with what we have. If my uterus fell out tomorrow I would have no regrets (well, other than the mess-sorry, I know…gross). I am completely content with the amazing family that the LORD has given us. For us it’s a different story than those that take their reproduction for granted. After spending so many years hoping for a child we came to value them in a way that is beyond words and stand in awe at the miraculous way in which everything must come together just perfectly for them to get here. To beg God to make us fertile, and then to go and put and end to that incredible ability that he gave us seems completely selfish and ungrateful. We just can’t do it. We’ll take as few or as many as He chooses to give. Our efforts to “help things along” are only done when we feel His leading. Even though, the diet and supplements have worked for us before, it is still God who is ultimately in charge of their success each time and we know this.

I woke up feeling great today with no headache and no hunger. What happened??? For the past 3 hours my stomach has been growling! I drank my lemonade and it still didn’t satisfy…I’m so hungry! I’m starting to wonder if I can really do this for another week. I don’t want to be a quitter. Oh, how I want to sink my teeth into some yummy food, though! Even the strict food requirements of the Eating Alive diet sound like a scrumptious feast to me right now…oh just to have a cracker right now…a plain old unsalted tasteless cracker…heaven…mmmmmmm.

Okay, my headache is way better today and I feel pretty good for the most part. It is hard for me to believe that I haven’t eaten anything since Thursday night and I’m not hungry. I still want to eat but I’m not hungry. I just miss the taste of food. I found that making the children dinner tonight wasn’t that hard. Just being near food and going through a food routine was somehow comforting and not difficult at all. However, my biggest challenge is watching them eat and then when they leave perfectly good food on their plates. It is so hard not to just pop it into my mouth! Today, my husband busted open a big bag of tortilla chips and black bean dip and I felt anger well up instantly. How could he DARE eat right in front of me???:-) I find that it is best just to stay away from where others are eating.

My husband and I had a talk this morning about the miscarriage. He has been way more affected than he has been letting on and he’s having a hard time. You know, when women miscarry other women tend to, at least, try to comfort us but usually say very little to the father. At least, that has been our experience. Other men may basically say “sorry, man” but they don’t seem to offer the same support that a woman does even if they have gone through it themselves. Between being strong for the mom and men just not discussing such things with one another it can be very tough on the dad. Men are expected to get over it quicker, too, and it’s not just something that you can snap out of. He lost a baby, too. I remember the morning before we went to the ultrasound one of the first things he said was, “I’m really excited about having another baby!”. He had said that many times before and I know that he wanted the baby but it was how he said it that day that was unique, like he’d finally really come to terms with what it all meant to him and to me and to us all as a family. He’d mulled it over in his brain time and time again and could finally say with complete confidence that, yes, he was ready for this. I already had my suspicions at that point that the ultrasound was not going to go well and a little piece of my heart broke when he said that. I know that more than a little piece of his broke just a few hours later. I am resolved to make a conscious effort to not forget to offer a comforting word to the next dad I know that loses a baby.

All I have the energy to report right now is that I want to eat really bad! No, I’m not hungry…my stomach hasn’t growled once but I want to put food in my mouth! Already this diet is making me realize how much I eat just to eat. Oh, and the other thing to report is that I have a nasty headache that makes it hard for me to open my eyes up all the way. My husband says I don’t look so good. I don’t feel so good!

Sweet little babies are so worth it, though…that’s what I keep telling myself. I’m doing this for a healthy baby. I can do this…I can.

I’m officially starting The Master Cleanse tomorrow morning. If you aren’t familiar with it then I will just say that I will not be eating any food for 10 days…yikes! Instead, I’ll be drinking a “lemonade” concoction which is water, some fresh lemon, some maple syrup and cayenne pepper. That is what my diet will consist of for the next week and a half. Why would I do something so crazy??? Well, it is supposed to be an amazing cleanse that is said to leave one full of energy and feeling great. I know the power of detoxing since I have used a liver-cleansing diet before my last 2 healthy pregnancies. I know that it does something incredible in my body to cleanse it. I really wanted to give this one a try this time, though, since it is faster and I’ve read so many great testimonials about it. I’m feeling extra yucky from all the bad foods I’ve eaten since the miscarriage. I have laughed a few times about the fact that I gained 3 pounds while pregnant and managed to gave another 5 since I lost it! Between Christmas goodies everywhere and comforting myself with food I have managed to eat in a way that I haven’t eaten in a very very long time and I feel it. Not only in extra weight but in sluggishness and brain fog. I’m looking forward to a fresh start with my system and hoping that a clean body will make the outcome of our next pregnancy (LORD willing) much better.

Oh, yeah…that does mean that we are TRYING AGAIN!

I love this song so much. I am so grateful to have a God bigger than anything life can throw at me and He is SO worthy to be praised.

I hit such a low point last night. Pondering 2007 was difficult since it was one of the hardest years that my husband and I have endured since we were married. Not only did we suffer through 2 miscarriages, but it has been hard all the way around on so many levels. A year full of challenges and lessons and wake up calls. As the clock drew closer to midnight last night I realized that I was becoming fearful of 2008. I realized that I was just plain scared to death to go through another year like this past one or one that could be even harder. Fortunately, my husband came to the rescue and we had a good talk before bed and once again he reassured me and inspired me to not give in to the fear and despair. We talked through some issues that needed addressing and made some productive plans and goal setting for the near future. I went to bed feeling much more at ease and ready to welcome the new year.

Looking back I know that last year was a turning point for us. Through our circumstances we have learned a valuable lesson in that we need to be more proactive in our lives. Surrendering to God’s will for our life doesn’t mean just spending each day just letting it happen to us and that is how we have lived for so long…letting life happen. The LORD has shown us that we need to live our life surrendered to His will for sure but we need to be listening to Him more in every situation. He has shown us that He has some amazing plans for us. He has given us ideas that we would never have thought of on our own and opened doors that we could not have foreseen. We know that He is working all things together for our good. We just need to be patient as it all comes to fruition.

Through all the hardship that we have endured the most amazing product of it all is that we pray. Yes, we have always prayed but now we pray everyday with each other. Our day always starts with spending some time together and then praying together. We put each day in God’s hands together and even though we have still had to go through the storms we can see that they continue to lead us into a deeper understanding of ourselves and God. So, I guess I could look at 2007 as the best year in our life so far. Maybe it was the hardest, but through all the hurt and struggle we have become stronger, more purposeful, closer to each other and closer to the LORD. I can’t wait to see what He has in store in 2008.

I have decided that the first place to go for good information about your miscarriage is at this site…PregnancyLoss.Info. Deanna has put together a very comprehensive site that will help you know what to expect and how to deal with it all. If your health care practitioner is anything like mine, you will leave with more questions than answers. I was told about looking for signs of infection but other than that nothing more. Here I am nearly 3 weeks after it and I just stopped spotting yesterday and had no idea when to expect a new cycle or anything. Now I know that a new cycle should occur around 3 weeks after the spotting ends and if it begins before that it must still be miscarriage tissue and not real AF. I didn’t think that spotting was EVER going to end so I’m thrilled to have it over with. With my last miscarriage, I had recurring episodes of bleeding and spotting and the last one I counted as my period but now I know that it was not. Great info on that site and I highly recommend it. It’s been such a help to me!

Wow…just when it looks like the skies are beginning to clear I found myself bawling this morning while cleaning up the kitchen.  I was feeling blue yesterday.  My parents and niece came to visit this weekend to celebrate Christmas with us since we were unable to go visit them as planned because of the miscarriage.  We had a really nice time but as soon as they left I began feeling even more down than usual.  It was a really gloomy day outside, rainy and cold and I stayed in all day.  We didn’t go to church since by the time my family made it out the door it was really too late to get it all together to go.  Church would have been a good thing for me but it didn’t happen.  I think the weather was a contributor to my sadness, but Christmas being over, my parents leaving, and lingering melancholy from the miscarriage all added to the mix.  I began to have those “I should be pregnant right now” thoughts that always get me.

I decided to distract myself and take all the Christmas decorations and tree down and get my house back to normal. It felt good to get the house picked up and it looked so much bigger and uncluttered which was comforting, at least for a few minutes. I started hating the house. I told my husband that I want to move. I have these feelings of just wanting to move away. At least, I can recognize those thoughts as irrational. I always get them when I am in pain or under stress. I guess it’s that flee or fight response. I tend to want to go with the flee but I know that I have to fight. I have to fight to get through this hurt and to move on. I have to fight the depression that just seems to dangle in front of me like a carrot, beckoning me to give in to it. It won’t win, though. I may grieve but I won’t drown in the pain.

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed” (2 Corinthians 7-9)“

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 16-18)