Today it was confirmed by ultrasound, we have lost yet another baby. I’m a bit numb right now and unable to post as eloquently as I would like (not that I’m ever very eloquent) but it’s just not time to go into it too much. So instead, I am posting my video tribute to baby Leah to acknowledge the day and to offer myself some relief. Out of all of the miscarriage videos that I have posted, this one is by far my favorite. It is so well done. If anyone knows who is singing this could you please let me know?

Note: This was written a week ago, but I decided it was too negative to post and put it aside. I now believe that these feelings should be published as they are all part of the story…

There is certainly an innocence lost after miscarriage. An innocence lost that can not really be adequately explained unless you have experienced it. If you have, you’ll know exactly what I am trying to convey. It really makes itself apparent if another pregnancy occurs. Pregnancy doesn’t mean the same thing anymore. It becomes clinical. Before I ever had a miscarriage, I freely interchanged the phrases “I’m pregnant” with “I’m having a baby”. Now, they are two very different things to me. I used to live each month hoping against hope to finally see 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test. To me that was the climactic moment when everything I was working so hard for was finally realized. That moment of pure ecstasy when the test is finally positive. After carefully examining a bazillion negative tests under every light in the house, checking and re-checking, pulling them out of trash cans to inspect them yet again, finally seeing even the faintest hint of a second line was the answer to my dreams and yet so very elusive. Don’t get me wrong. I in no way believe that there is anything easy about that experience. It’s horrible. I’m not trying to say that my current experiences are any more difficult but only relaying that life is so different now and changed forever.

A positive pregnancy test now means that I’m pregnant. It means that my body is producing a measurable amount of Hcg. It does not necessarily mean that I am having a baby. It means weeks upon weeks of analyzing every symptom or lack of symptoms or it could mean just a week of doing that. I’m a generally positive person. I know this sounds so negative, but I don’t mean it to. It’s not that experiencing a new pregnancy means sitting around thinking the worst and certainly doesn’t mean expecting the worst. Instead, it means that a new realization has occurred somewhere deep inside of me of the absolute fragility of life. An understanding that I always had in my head but is now seared into my heart. A knowledge that it may not turn out the way I want it to just because I want it badly enough. It’s not time to pick out maternity clothes or research the best new stroller. It’s time to count each new day that I’m pregnant as a gift and one day closer to a possible happy ending. A time to look at new babies with hope knowing that at one time they were as small as the baby that I carry inside but knowing full well that the one inside has a long way to go to get there. It’s a time of living in the knowledge of what can happen. That’s why I say an innocence is lost. Pregnancy was once magical. Now the magic has been replaced by reality. Miscarriage forever changes things.

And yes, I was wrong about breaking my winning streak. I’m 7 weeks pregnant. Mom doesn’t know…please let me tell her myself.