This really touched me today and I had to share…

Wait…

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:

Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, “Child, you must wait”.

“Wait? You say, wait! ” my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate

Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?

I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,

Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:

I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.”

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting…. for what?”

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,

And he tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want - But you wouldn’t know Me.

You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint;

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint;

You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there;

You’d not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You’d never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;

You’d know that I give and I save…. (for a start),

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that “My grace is sufficient for Thee.”

Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,

But, Oh, the loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though oft’ may My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still, “WAIT.”

Author Unknown

So, I’ve been MIA for a few weeks trying to recover from our last blow. I’ve been doing well for the most part taking the time to refocus on what I do have and not what I don’t. Since our recent move I have had a hard time getting back on track with our daily routine and none of my family members function as well as we could when we aren’t on one. Without it, I often feel as if I am just spinning my wheels everyday and never really accomplishing much. My husband and my children mean the world to me and I needed to get my mind off babies and pregnancy and look to the gifts that I am already surrounded with. So I got everything up and running again and it felt good. I had a small nagging suspicion somewhere deep down that I was not properly mourning this last miscarriage but I kept it at bey. After all, I had ordered my silver heart forget-me-not memorial necklace (which, by the way, is beautiful!) and made my video and moved on.

Monday morning I had my last blood draw at the midwife’s office to make sure that my numbers were all the way back down. I woke up that morning with AF in full force so I knew that they were but I went anyway. I’m glad that I did because the midwife that I saw was very kind and I enjoyed talking it out a little with her. She went ahead and gave me a prescription for progesterone supplements so that I would be prepared if I were to become pregnant again. The midwives believe that I need the supplements to carry a pregnancy and, although I carried my 3rd pregnancy fine without them, they are probably right in that. I needed supplementation with my 2nd and since my problems conceiving are hormonal it only makes sense that my problem carrying them to term now, would be hormonal as well. So, although getting that last blood draw and sitting in the waiting room with happily pregnant women was tough, I left feeling hopeful that I might get another chance and I had my prescription to get me through.

The good feeling didn’t last, though. I’m not getting another chance. Last night, my dear husband told me he was done. He doesn’t want me to get pregnant again and we will no longer use any supplementation to conceive. Without it, I won’t. It’s that simple. Oh, I know that God can work miracles and I could have a surprise down the road but that is little consolation and in some ways makes it worse. There’s finality without true finality. I get to spend each month wondering and no matter how hard I try not to, hoping, and I’ve been there too many times already. I don’t like that place.

That’s where I am at, though. I know that I could fight it. I know that I have legitimate reasons why we should keep trying and could probably convince him, otherwise, if I really tried. Instead, I am choosing to submit. That is what I am called to do, anyway. The Bible doesn’t say how many children I should have. I haven’t found there any clear answers on whether we should use Estrobalance again or not. I know that it is clear on one thing, though. It is clear that I should submit to my husband and so that is what I am doing. I’m doing my best not to be mopey or depressed (subtle manipulation-I know he’ll do what he can to make me happy)but to continue on with a good attitude despite my broken heart. I’m not a saint. I’m not a martyr. The truth is, it’s all I CAN do. First, it’s what I’m called to do, but beyond that I can’t in anyway take a pill and become pregnant with my husband not fully on board with that. What if the progesterone supplements don’t work and I miscarry again. By my manipulation I have put him through that all over again. What if they do work and I carry the baby to term and something is wrong with it? Again, I forced it. What if they work and I give birth to a beautiful healthy baby. My husband is overjoyed and everything is just as I wanted it. I then find him working extra late and avoiding being with the family because he can’t handle 4 kids. The what-ifs could go on and on, but I think the point is made. I can’t FORCE this! Oh, how my very nature cries out for me to, but I can’t. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for keeping me in check. Please continue to give me strength.

So, here I sit. I believe that nagging suspicion that I hadn’t fully grieved was right. I feel like I have been hit full force by the gravity of the situation and bawled my eyes out last night. It’s so hard right now but I know that this is the low point. The grief is hitting me finally. The loss of 3 little babies and the loss of hope of more all at once is a bit overwhelming right now. On top of that, trying my best to not make my husband feel guilty (totally going against my nature) is difficult when I am hurting so much and in my stubborn head feel like the only relief is to try again.

I think that I may have to give the blog a rest for a while. Immersing myself in baby thoughts is not healthy for me right now but I do want to keep this site up. I believe that it contains information that will be helpful for someone out there. Don’t let my unhappy ending stop you if you are that person. It may sound unhappy but the reality is that it is not. The happy ending to my infertility story is playing sweetly next to me right now. The smallest one dressed up like a little princess while her big brother is dressed like an elf. They have been running around in the sunshine on wild adventures all afternoon. They are my happy ending. I hope and pray that anyone reading this and seeking such beauty will find it. They are worth it. So worth it.

“He said..’I will accept the breaking sorrow which God tomorrow will to His son explain.’ Then did the turmoil deep within him cease. Not vain the word, not vain. For in Acceptance lieth Peace” (excerpt from In Acceptance Lieth Peace by Amy Carmichael)

Today it was confirmed by ultrasound, we have lost yet another baby. I’m a bit numb right now and unable to post as eloquently as I would like (not that I’m ever very eloquent) but it’s just not time to go into it too much. So instead, I am posting my video tribute to baby Leah to acknowledge the day and to offer myself some relief. Out of all of the miscarriage videos that I have posted, this one is by far my favorite. It is so well done. If anyone knows who is singing this could you please let me know?

Note: This was written a week ago, but I decided it was too negative to post and put it aside. I now believe that these feelings should be published as they are all part of the story…

There is certainly an innocence lost after miscarriage. An innocence lost that can not really be adequately explained unless you have experienced it. If you have, you’ll know exactly what I am trying to convey. It really makes itself apparent if another pregnancy occurs. Pregnancy doesn’t mean the same thing anymore. It becomes clinical. Before I ever had a miscarriage, I freely interchanged the phrases “I’m pregnant” with “I’m having a baby”. Now, they are two very different things to me. I used to live each month hoping against hope to finally see 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test. To me that was the climactic moment when everything I was working so hard for was finally realized. That moment of pure ecstasy when the test is finally positive. After carefully examining a bazillion negative tests under every light in the house, checking and re-checking, pulling them out of trash cans to inspect them yet again, finally seeing even the faintest hint of a second line was the answer to my dreams and yet so very elusive. Don’t get me wrong. I in no way believe that there is anything easy about that experience. It’s horrible. I’m not trying to say that my current experiences are any more difficult but only relaying that life is so different now and changed forever.

A positive pregnancy test now means that I’m pregnant. It means that my body is producing a measurable amount of Hcg. It does not necessarily mean that I am having a baby. It means weeks upon weeks of analyzing every symptom or lack of symptoms or it could mean just a week of doing that. I’m a generally positive person. I know this sounds so negative, but I don’t mean it to. It’s not that experiencing a new pregnancy means sitting around thinking the worst and certainly doesn’t mean expecting the worst. Instead, it means that a new realization has occurred somewhere deep inside of me of the absolute fragility of life. An understanding that I always had in my head but is now seared into my heart. A knowledge that it may not turn out the way I want it to just because I want it badly enough. It’s not time to pick out maternity clothes or research the best new stroller. It’s time to count each new day that I’m pregnant as a gift and one day closer to a possible happy ending. A time to look at new babies with hope knowing that at one time they were as small as the baby that I carry inside but knowing full well that the one inside has a long way to go to get there. It’s a time of living in the knowledge of what can happen. That’s why I say an innocence is lost. Pregnancy was once magical. Now the magic has been replaced by reality. Miscarriage forever changes things.

And yes, I was wrong about breaking my winning streak. I’m 7 weeks pregnant. Mom doesn’t know…please let me tell her myself.

Estrobalance has worked the first month I took it twice now, but I think that I’m ending my “winning streak” with it. It’s too early to verify that belief 100% but I know my body and my body says not this time.

The good thing is that I’m really okay with it. Surprisingly, okay. Yes, I would have loved to find that we are expecting again but I also know that I can’t see all the ins and outs of what that would mean and if God didn’t allow it then He has a good reason and I trust in His divine wisdom over my own any day. I’ve lived long enough to know when I force something I want, disregarding what He has to say on it, overlooking the obvious signs that I’m not on His best path for me or justifying my decision in my own head, it never turns out well. I wish I had no track record of such behavior, but I certainly do and I don’t want to go down that path again.

I believe that the reason I felt led to continue with our plans to take the Estrobalance was to aid in my miscarriage healing. I had to try again in order to get to where I am now which is on the other side of the darkness where I am able to feel normal again. It’s been nearly 3 months and it still stings. I am certain that it always will but I don’t think about it all the time now. I have those moments where I see a large round belly and think that I would have a nice one of those by now. I would have known the sex of the baby for awhile by now and would be buying pink or blue. Seeing a newborn baby is bittersweet. For the most part, though, my heart feels strong and I feel that the grieving has ended. This month of trying again has brought about the final chapter in that grieving process. Well, maybe not the final chapter but definitely one of the later chapters where the happy ending is beginning to unfold.

Will I try again? Hard to say. The Estrobalance just didn’t agree with my system this time and so I know that it isn’t something I can just take all the time. I wasn’t consistent with it because of that and positive that my inability to take it the proper way contributed to my lack of success with it this month. I’m taking my Red Raspberry Leaf capsules to regulate my hormones gently and will continue to do my very best to listen carefully to what my Father is speaking to me on the subject. Right now my life is so consumed with moving and taking care of the 3 amazing children that I already have that I feel full and at peace with the way things are.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the road I’ve been on since the last miscarriage and have come to some conclusions that are beginning to make some sense to me. I would have never chosen to lose my last 2 babies, but without those losses I would have never began this blog and my hope is that their short lives somehow set the wheels in motion to get information needed to would-be mamas out there so that new babies will be brought into this world. After the move is settled and my head stops spinning I am going to give this blog the attention it deserves so that it can be used in the way I dreamed it would be. So stay tuned!

I have not been posting like I want to but I do have a good excuse. We’re moving! We are looking all over for our next house and I have spent nearly every day driving all over the place looking at possibilities. It’s a difficult and frustrating job but exciting at the same time. However, we, at this point, are just ready to find the right home for us.

Today I got AF and so today is when I am to begin the Estrobalance. With all the new changes, I was unclear if we should proceed but we decided to not let the move put our plans on hold. We’re not getting any younger, and we’re ready. I didn’t take any today, though, because I started in the afternoon and we’ve been running around all day. I’ll start tomorrow. Although, I may end up taking at least a dose tonight. Ironically, I started while at my friend’s baby shower. Which, by the way, turned out so great.

It will be interesting to see if the stress of the move will mean that we don’t get pregnant the first month like we have in the past. Also, curious whether my age will make it less effective. I’m 36 now. I’ve also been eating dairy and I wasn’t the other two times. I’m eating organic, hormone free dairy and not a bunch of it but wondering whether eating it will have any different effect. Didn’t I say once that I felt like a science experiment? Well, yeah…I am. I’d really hate to break my get-pregnant-the-first-month-I-take-it record, but it will be good to see what variables contribute to it’s effectiveness.

It’s been about 6 weeks now since I did the Master Cleanse and I’m still benefitting from it.
The most obvious way I know is that I have truly lost my sweet tooth. I still have no desire for anything sweet. At least, not anything sweeter than a muffin made with honey or some agave nectar in a cup of tea. I like a bit of natural sweetener here or there but the thought of a Snicker bar or cheesecake or a cinnamon roll…anything sugary sweet does not sound appealing. That is incredible to me. I had a HUGE sweet tooth! I used to wonder what in the world people were thinking when they would say things like, “Oh it’s so sweet. I can’t eat all of that, it’s just too rich”. I didn’t meet anything sweet that I couldn’t eat a whole lot of. To me, nothing was “too sweet”. Today at the shower I was given a scone with lemon curd and coddled cream. I knew it had white sugar in it and was about to pass but I didn’t want to be rude so I accepted it. I took a bite and it was delicious but very difficult for me to eat…it was just too sweet. I’ve become one of those too sweet people! I never thought it could happen to me. It’s giving me hope that I can stay on the healthy food diet for the long term, though, this time around.

Hmmmmm…moving and morning sickness…I must be crazy.

My cycle has been so weird this month and I have no idea when to expect AF. It’s making me a little crazy, I have to say. By the calendar I should begin a fresh month around Wednesday…just 3 days away. However, I think that I O’d last Monday…not even a week ago. Normally, I am dreading getting my period but now that I’m anxious to get pregnant again and start my Estrobalance it can’t get here soon enough. So frustrating.

I’m planning a baby shower for one of my best friends. I’m having a lot of fun doing it and it’s coming together well. She’s due any day and I’m hoping that we can all pull it off before the baby arrives. She’s starting to get “that look” like it is just minutes away. I know that can go on for a while, though. I’m so excited about her new little girl finally arriving into this big world, but I know that there will be some bittersweetness for me. We were pregnant together at one point and talked about how close in age our children were going to be and how much fun they would have together. Her children match my children in ages and it looked like we were just continuing that trend. Her sweet baby will be a reminder that mine isn’t here. At the same time, though, I’m grateful for a baby to hold even if it’s not my own and I can’t wait to meet her.

Yes, I am cutting the Master Cleanse a bit short but I feel very successful, anyway, and am proud of myself for making it a week. I really believe that I could continue until Sunday as originally planned but I feel like it’s time to stop. There are 3 days of “breaking the fast” where I still can’t eat and that will put me at Monday to be able to eat again. I like the idea of starting off next week with a fresh start. Tomorrow I replace the lemon drink with orange juice but still no food. On Saturday I will drink OJ all day and then have some vegetable broth for dinner. Finally, on Sunday I can have some vegetable soup. After that, it’s back to eating a variety of healthy foods…yea!

I think I may have gotten AF back but not sure. The last of my miscarriage spotting ended last Monday, just 10 days before this came, and from what I have read that means that it isn’t real AF but still miscarriage. However, it came nearly exactly 28 days from the day of the actual miscarriage and it seems just like a period, so I just don’t know what to think. I’m a little bummed because I was hoping that I would get my period after the cleanse and then I could start my Estrobalance but I don’t want to do it if this is still just a continuation of the miscarriage. I had heard that I could start bleeding again while doing the cleanse since it could cause more tissue to be released so maybe that’s what it is. I don’t know but if it is really AF it means that I have a whole month to wait before we can try again and that is hard for me to accept, although I know that it is healthy to have some time in between the miscarriage and a new pregnancy. I’m just being impatient.

Yes, by the looks of my last post I hid out for a day in order to not admit to my miserable failure with the Master Cleanse! I’m happy to report that I have persevered and am now on day 5 of NO FOOD. It hasn’t been easy. The most tempting part is not to binge but to just put a piece of popcorn in my mouth when the kids are eating it or a slice of cheese while I am preparing a cheese and crackers snack for them. One little cheddar bunny wouldn’t hurt, right? Wrong. I know that even a bite of something at this point would mess with the whole cleanse and I’ve come too far now to do anything to sabotage my hard work.

I do feel like my tummy is revolting in a way, though. It seems that yesterday and today I have been hungrier. The first few days I really wasn’t hungry and then I was only that way at night when I stopped drinking the lemon concoction so that I didn’t spend the entire night with a full bladder and running to the bathroom. I like my sleep too much for that. Now I am finding myself getting hungry soon after drinking my lemonade and that is frustrating. I think that maybe I am going too long between drinks or something. I don’t know but it’s been a challenge to not give in to that hunger. Knowing that when I go to bed tonight I will be halfway to my goal is a good feeling, though, and is keeping me going today.

On a completely different subject, I was reminded today of the anguish of infertility after speaking to someone who I found is going through it. It is a pain that even after getting through it 5 years ago, now, is still so fresh to me. I don’t think that I will ever get over it and, in some ways, I hope that I don’t. As long as it is fresh then my heart is still tender towards those experiencing it. I don’t take my children for granted. I know how hard they were to get in my arms and I still know how awful it was when I couldn’t see them in my future and didn’t know whether I would ever hold another baby to my breast again.

I was thinking about my previous post, Decisions, when I was wondering why my husband and I just can’t stop trying to have more babies. There was a time when I would have given anything to have one baby, then those 6 years of so desperately wanting just one more. It would seem that after 3 we would just be happy with what we have. We are SO happy! It’s not that we are not content with what we have. If my uterus fell out tomorrow I would have no regrets (well, other than the mess-sorry, I know…gross). I am completely content with the amazing family that the LORD has given us. For us it’s a different story than those that take their reproduction for granted. After spending so many years hoping for a child we came to value them in a way that is beyond words and stand in awe at the miraculous way in which everything must come together just perfectly for them to get here. To beg God to make us fertile, and then to go and put and end to that incredible ability that he gave us seems completely selfish and ungrateful. We just can’t do it. We’ll take as few or as many as He chooses to give. Our efforts to “help things along” are only done when we feel His leading. Even though, the diet and supplements have worked for us before, it is still God who is ultimately in charge of their success each time and we know this.

I woke up feeling great today with no headache and no hunger. What happened??? For the past 3 hours my stomach has been growling! I drank my lemonade and it still didn’t satisfy…I’m so hungry! I’m starting to wonder if I can really do this for another week. I don’t want to be a quitter. Oh, how I want to sink my teeth into some yummy food, though! Even the strict food requirements of the Eating Alive diet sound like a scrumptious feast to me right now…oh just to have a cracker right now…a plain old unsalted tasteless cracker…heaven…mmmmmmm.