Okay, my headache is way better today and I feel pretty good for the most part. It is hard for me to believe that I haven’t eaten anything since Thursday night and I’m not hungry. I still want to eat but I’m not hungry. I just miss the taste of food. I found that making the children dinner tonight wasn’t that hard. Just being near food and going through a food routine was somehow comforting and not difficult at all. However, my biggest challenge is watching them eat and then when they leave perfectly good food on their plates. It is so hard not to just pop it into my mouth! Today, my husband busted open a big bag of tortilla chips and black bean dip and I felt anger well up instantly. How could he DARE eat right in front of me???:-) I find that it is best just to stay away from where others are eating.
My husband and I had a talk this morning about the miscarriage. He has been way more affected than he has been letting on and he’s having a hard time. You know, when women miscarry other women tend to, at least, try to comfort us but usually say very little to the father. At least, that has been our experience. Other men may basically say “sorry, man” but they don’t seem to offer the same support that a woman does even if they have gone through it themselves. Between being strong for the mom and men just not discussing such things with one another it can be very tough on the dad. Men are expected to get over it quicker, too, and it’s not just something that you can snap out of. He lost a baby, too. I remember the morning before we went to the ultrasound one of the first things he said was, “I’m really excited about having another baby!”. He had said that many times before and I know that he wanted the baby but it was how he said it that day that was unique, like he’d finally really come to terms with what it all meant to him and to me and to us all as a family. He’d mulled it over in his brain time and time again and could finally say with complete confidence that, yes, he was ready for this. I already had my suspicions at that point that the ultrasound was not going to go well and a little piece of my heart broke when he said that. I know that more than a little piece of his broke just a few hours later. I am resolved to make a conscious effort to not forget to offer a comforting word to the next dad I know that loses a baby.
All I have the energy to report right now is that I want to eat really bad! No, I’m not hungry…my stomach hasn’t growled once but I want to put food in my mouth! Already this diet is making me realize how much I eat just to eat. Oh, and the other thing to report is that I have a nasty headache that makes it hard for me to open my eyes up all the way. My husband says I don’t look so good. I don’t feel so good!
Sweet little babies are so worth it, though…that’s what I keep telling myself. I’m doing this for a healthy baby. I can do this…I can.
I’m officially starting The Master Cleanse tomorrow morning. If you aren’t familiar with it then I will just say that I will not be eating any food for 10 days…yikes! Instead, I’ll be drinking a “lemonade” concoction which is water, some fresh lemon, some maple syrup and cayenne pepper. That is what my diet will consist of for the next week and a half. Why would I do something so crazy??? Well, it is supposed to be an amazing cleanse that is said to leave one full of energy and feeling great. I know the power of detoxing since I have used a liver-cleansing diet before my last 2 healthy pregnancies. I know that it does something incredible in my body to cleanse it. I really wanted to give this one a try this time, though, since it is faster and I’ve read so many great testimonials about it. I’m feeling extra yucky from all the bad foods I’ve eaten since the miscarriage. I have laughed a few times about the fact that I gained 3 pounds while pregnant and managed to gave another 5 since I lost it! Between Christmas goodies everywhere and comforting myself with food I have managed to eat in a way that I haven’t eaten in a very very long time and I feel it. Not only in extra weight but in sluggishness and brain fog. I’m looking forward to a fresh start with my system and hoping that a clean body will make the outcome of our next pregnancy (LORD willing) much better.
I hit such a low point last night. Pondering 2007 was difficult since it was one of the hardest years that my husband and I have endured since we were married. Not only did we suffer through 2 miscarriages, but it has been hard all the way around on so many levels. A year full of challenges and lessons and wake up calls. As the clock drew closer to midnight last night I realized that I was becoming fearful of 2008. I realized that I was just plain scared to death to go through another year like this past one or one that could be even harder. Fortunately, my husband came to the rescue and we had a good talk before bed and once again he reassured me and inspired me to not give in to the fear and despair. We talked through some issues that needed addressing and made some productive plans and goal setting for the near future. I went to bed feeling much more at ease and ready to welcome the new year.
Looking back I know that last year was a turning point for us. Through our circumstances we have learned a valuable lesson in that we need to be more proactive in our lives. Surrendering to God’s will for our life doesn’t mean just spending each day just letting it happen to us and that is how we have lived for so long…letting life happen. The LORD has shown us that we need to live our life surrendered to His will for sure but we need to be listening to Him more in every situation. He has shown us that He has some amazing plans for us. He has given us ideas that we would never have thought of on our own and opened doors that we could not have foreseen. We know that He is working all things together for our good. We just need to be patient as it all comes to fruition.
Through all the hardship that we have endured the most amazing product of it all is that we pray. Yes, we have always prayed but now we pray everyday with each other. Our day always starts with spending some time together and then praying together. We put each day in God’s hands together and even though we have still had to go through the storms we can see that they continue to lead us into a deeper understanding of ourselves and God. So, I guess I could look at 2007 as the best year in our life so far. Maybe it was the hardest, but through all the hurt and struggle we have become stronger, more purposeful, closer to each other and closer to the LORD. I can’t wait to see what He has in store in 2008.
I have decided that the first place to go for good information about your miscarriage is at this site…PregnancyLoss.Info. Deanna has put together a very comprehensive site that will help you know what to expect and how to deal with it all. If your health care practitioner is anything like mine, you will leave with more questions than answers. I was told about looking for signs of infection but other than that nothing more. Here I am nearly 3 weeks after it and I just stopped spotting yesterday and had no idea when to expect a new cycle or anything. Now I know that a new cycle should occur around 3 weeks after the spotting ends and if it begins before that it must still be miscarriage tissue and not real AF. I didn’t think that spotting was EVER going to end so I’m thrilled to have it over with. With my last miscarriage, I had recurring episodes of bleeding and spotting and the last one I counted as my period but now I know that it was not. Great info on that site and I highly recommend it. It’s been such a help to me!
Wow…just when it looks like the skies are beginning to clear I found myself bawling this morning while cleaning up the kitchen. I was feeling blue yesterday. My parents and niece came to visit this weekend to celebrate Christmas with us since we were unable to go visit them as planned because of the miscarriage. We had a really nice time but as soon as they left I began feeling even more down than usual. It was a really gloomy day outside, rainy and cold and I stayed in all day. We didn’t go to church since by the time my family made it out the door it was really too late to get it all together to go. Church would have been a good thing for me but it didn’t happen. I think the weather was a contributor to my sadness, but Christmas being over, my parents leaving, and lingering melancholy from the miscarriage all added to the mix. I began to have those “I should be pregnant right now” thoughts that always get me.
I decided to distract myself and take all the Christmas decorations and tree down and get my house back to normal. It felt good to get the house picked up and it looked so much bigger and uncluttered which was comforting, at least for a few minutes. I started hating the house. I told my husband that I want to move. I have these feelings of just wanting to move away. At least, I can recognize those thoughts as irrational. I always get them when I am in pain or under stress. I guess it’s that flee or fight response. I tend to want to go with the flee but I know that I have to fight. I have to fight to get through this hurt and to move on. I have to fight the depression that just seems to dangle in front of me like a carrot, beckoning me to give in to it. It won’t win, though. I may grieve but I won’t drown in the pain.
“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed” (2 Corinthians 7-9)“
Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 16-18)
What a beautiful video that any couple who has endured infertility or even miscarriage can certainly relate to. Knowing that we can’t “stop the rain” for each other can hurt. I had to post it.
Okay, I have decided that one of the very hardest parts of this whole miscarriage experience has been that it is putting us back into the area of decision-making. That’s an area that I loathe being in when it comes to family size. For so many people it is just cut and dry, but because of our experiences and our values it just isn’t that easy for us. It wasn’t hard at all to decide that we wanted our first child and after having him it was only natural for us to want to add a sibling to the family. However, adding a third child was a a bit more debatable, but we still had the yearning for a possible girl baby since we already had 2 boys, so again, it wasn’t out of the ordinary to want to go for a third when we had 2 of the same gender (although, honestly, we really didn’t mind if we had another boy). We got our girl, though, and we felt at the time that after her birth that our family was complete. So, why oh why, do we keep standing in this place of decision? Why can’t we just feel like it is time to move on and watch our children grow up? I’m so happy with my family and content that we are all we need so why can’t I just get my tubes tied? Why can’t my husband go get a vasectomy? No more struggles, no more wondering, no more decision? We could start planning our future, knowing at what point diapers, potty-training, preschool, Barney and Strawberry Shortcake would be no more. We could foresee when our nest would be empty, when we could finally take that trip to Europe that we have been talking about since our college days. Why is it that we just can’t feel at peace to put an end to this season of our lives? I just don’t have an answer for that.
The hardest part about all of this is that we totally felt that God was leading us to have another baby this time around. We felt so confident in that we went ahead and ordered our Estrobalance and were waiting for my cycle to begin so that we could start it. That period never came and we conceived naturally. It was as if God was giving us an extra gift by allowing us to not even have to use the supplement and we felt even more convinced than ever that we were doing exactly what we should be and that baby #4 was totally right for us. It was such a relief to no longer have to wonder if we should have any more children…the decision was being made for us and it all seemed to make sense. We told each other that we felt more confident that baby #4 was the right thing than we did with #3 or even #2! So, why, when we felt so much peace about it and felt so sure that we were meant to have that baby did it have to end? Where does it leave us? Where do we go from here?
A few days ago, after spending so much of my time pondering all of this I decided that we had bought the Estrobalance to have another baby and we should just go ahead and use it. I just don’t believe, now, that I can carry a baby conceived without it and need it to get my estrogen-dominance in check and my hormones in just the right balance so that the embryo has the best possible chance at life. I have to admit, that back in October when we ordered it I began having second thoughts about taking it even though I know that it was the right thing for us to order it (long story that I may share later). I have always secretly struggled with the thought that by using our “formula” we have somehow forced the children that we have into this world and that maybe it wasn’t right. I’ve prayed that I would get pregnant without the aid of the supplement if I were to ever get pregnant again so that I don’t have to live with those negative thoughts which I knew would even be worse if we used it to get into the not-so-average family size of 4 children.
Well, the LORD has given me that desire twice this year but both times it has ended the same way. I realized the other day, though, that I feel much less guilty about using our supplements, now, because of the miscarriages. I realize, now, that I have a condition that requires help in order to deliver healthy children and that God gave me that answer years ago and has blessed us twice through it now and really there is no way for me to honestly believe that these 2 miracles could somehow be a mistake. When I had this lightbulb moment I decided that we should, indeed, take the Estrobalance and I felt light and happy and relieved that the answer seemed obvious. I went straight back to my husband’s office and shared all my thoughts with him and he said that he completely agreed. It felt good that we decided to try again. I felt peace.
Then last night I couldn’t sleep and lay awake for several hours. It had been a rough night with the kids. My 5 year old decided to throw a fit at 1:30am when he didn’t get his way and he woke up my 2 year old. During the time that I couldn’t sleep all I could think was that our 3 children are more than enough and we need to just do something permanent to stop procreating and move on. That’s such an easier way to go…ending the uncertainty once and for all. It sounds so good. I’ve been miserable again today.
Decisions. This one is just too tough. You know, though, now that I’m writing it all out I see clearly that trying again=hope, happiness, peace and giving up=sadness. Maybe the decision isn’t so tough. Hmmmmmm.
Today is Christmas Eve and the day I took down the “shrine”. My husband’s parents sent a flower/balloon bouquet, some friends brought over a mini rose plant (along with a yummy casserole, card & a movie gift card), one of my husband’s clients sent flowers, too, and then we had the little whale rattle that we had bought when we found out we were expecting. We always buy a little something like that when we find out the good news. It’s our way of making it real. These items all became a beautiful spot in the house to look at and remember and I never wanted to take it down. However, it was becoming less beautiful by the day and this morning I came to the realization that it was becoming more depressing than a source of comfort and that it was time to take it down and move on and so I did. I threw out the flowers sent by my in-laws and washed out the smiley face mug that they were in as a keepsake. I popped the smiley-face mylar balloon that came out of the flowers that had begun to droop down from lack of helium and then I folded it up and put it in the memory box that I began with our previous miscarriage. I took some of the flowers that were still not completely yucky and pressed them for the box and put the little blue whale on the top. Even though, it wasn’t part of the “shrine” I also put in a little sweater outfit that I had picked up soon after finding out we were pregnant. I was going to pass it down to one of my best friends that is due to have a new baby next month, but I decided that it really belonged in the memory box. Now, the box is on my night stand and the table that everything was on looks just like it did 2 weeks ago. The house is back to normal. No sign of a tragedy lingers. No outward reminder of what we have experienced this past week and a half. It is all inside now. Inside our hearts and inside a box. Time to move on.
I remembered today that Christmas week was going to be a milestone for me as I passed from my first trimester. I remember thinking earlier in the pregnancy that if I could just get to Christmas after that it was smooth sailing. Ouch.It’s not all sad, though. I have the 3 most amazing, beautiful children that I could have ever dreamed of having (the reasons I just can’t stop wanting more) and we are having the biggest day of the year tomorrow and I can’t wait to see their smiling faces when they climb out of bed before the sun comes up in the morning. We are so very blessed even during the hard times. Very, very blessed.
