I have not been posting like I want to but I do have a good excuse. We’re moving! We are looking all over for our next house and I have spent nearly every day driving all over the place looking at possibilities. It’s a difficult and frustrating job but exciting at the same time. However, we, at this point, are just ready to find the right home for us.
Today I got AF and so today is when I am to begin the Estrobalance. With all the new changes, I was unclear if we should proceed but we decided to not let the move put our plans on hold. We’re not getting any younger, and we’re ready. I didn’t take any today, though, because I started in the afternoon and we’ve been running around all day. I’ll start tomorrow. Although, I may end up taking at least a dose tonight. Ironically, I started while at my friend’s baby shower. Which, by the way, turned out so great.
It will be interesting to see if the stress of the move will mean that we don’t get pregnant the first month like we have in the past. Also, curious whether my age will make it less effective. I’m 36 now. I’ve also been eating dairy and I wasn’t the other two times. I’m eating organic, hormone free dairy and not a bunch of it but wondering whether eating it will have any different effect. Didn’t I say once that I felt like a science experiment? Well, yeah…I am. I’d really hate to break my get-pregnant-the-first-month-I-take-it record, but it will be good to see what variables contribute to it’s effectiveness.
It’s been about 6 weeks now since I did the Master Cleanse and I’m still benefitting from it.
The most obvious way I know is that I have truly lost my sweet tooth. I still have no desire for anything sweet. At least, not anything sweeter than a muffin made with honey or some agave nectar in a cup of tea. I like a bit of natural sweetener here or there but the thought of a Snicker bar or cheesecake or a cinnamon roll…anything sugary sweet does not sound appealing. That is incredible to me. I had a HUGE sweet tooth! I used to wonder what in the world people were thinking when they would say things like, “Oh it’s so sweet. I can’t eat all of that, it’s just too rich”. I didn’t meet anything sweet that I couldn’t eat a whole lot of. To me, nothing was “too sweet”. Today at the shower I was given a scone with lemon curd and coddled cream. I knew it had white sugar in it and was about to pass but I didn’t want to be rude so I accepted it. I took a bite and it was delicious but very difficult for me to eat…it was just too sweet. I’ve become one of those too sweet people! I never thought it could happen to me. It’s giving me hope that I can stay on the healthy food diet for the long term, though, this time around.
Hmmmmm…moving and morning sickness…I must be crazy.
Yes, by the looks of my last post I hid out for a day in order to not admit to my miserable failure with the Master Cleanse! I’m happy to report that I have persevered and am now on day 5 of NO FOOD. It hasn’t been easy. The most tempting part is not to binge but to just put a piece of popcorn in my mouth when the kids are eating it or a slice of cheese while I am preparing a cheese and crackers snack for them. One little cheddar bunny wouldn’t hurt, right? Wrong. I know that even a bite of something at this point would mess with the whole cleanse and I’ve come too far now to do anything to sabotage my hard work.
I do feel like my tummy is revolting in a way, though. It seems that yesterday and today I have been hungrier. The first few days I really wasn’t hungry and then I was only that way at night when I stopped drinking the lemon concoction so that I didn’t spend the entire night with a full bladder and running to the bathroom. I like my sleep too much for that. Now I am finding myself getting hungry soon after drinking my lemonade and that is frustrating. I think that maybe I am going too long between drinks or something. I don’t know but it’s been a challenge to not give in to that hunger. Knowing that when I go to bed tonight I will be halfway to my goal is a good feeling, though, and is keeping me going today.
On a completely different subject, I was reminded today of the anguish of infertility after speaking to someone who I found is going through it. It is a pain that even after getting through it 5 years ago, now, is still so fresh to me. I don’t think that I will ever get over it and, in some ways, I hope that I don’t. As long as it is fresh then my heart is still tender towards those experiencing it. I don’t take my children for granted. I know how hard they were to get in my arms and I still know how awful it was when I couldn’t see them in my future and didn’t know whether I would ever hold another baby to my breast again.
I was thinking about my previous post, Decisions, when I was wondering why my husband and I just can’t stop trying to have more babies. There was a time when I would have given anything to have one baby, then those 6 years of so desperately wanting just one more. It would seem that after 3 we would just be happy with what we have. We are SO happy! It’s not that we are not content with what we have. If my uterus fell out tomorrow I would have no regrets (well, other than the mess-sorry, I know…gross). I am completely content with the amazing family that the LORD has given us. For us it’s a different story than those that take their reproduction for granted. After spending so many years hoping for a child we came to value them in a way that is beyond words and stand in awe at the miraculous way in which everything must come together just perfectly for them to get here. To beg God to make us fertile, and then to go and put and end to that incredible ability that he gave us seems completely selfish and ungrateful. We just can’t do it. We’ll take as few or as many as He chooses to give. Our efforts to “help things along” are only done when we feel His leading. Even though, the diet and supplements have worked for us before, it is still God who is ultimately in charge of their success each time and we know this.
I woke up feeling great today with no headache and no hunger. What happened??? For the past 3 hours my stomach has been growling! I drank my lemonade and it still didn’t satisfy…I’m so hungry! I’m starting to wonder if I can really do this for another week. I don’t want to be a quitter. Oh, how I want to sink my teeth into some yummy food, though! Even the strict food requirements of the Eating Alive diet sound like a scrumptious feast to me right now…oh just to have a cracker right now…a plain old unsalted tasteless cracker…heaven…mmmmmmm.
All I have the energy to report right now is that I want to eat really bad! No, I’m not hungry…my stomach hasn’t growled once but I want to put food in my mouth! Already this diet is making me realize how much I eat just to eat. Oh, and the other thing to report is that I have a nasty headache that makes it hard for me to open my eyes up all the way. My husband says I don’t look so good. I don’t feel so good!
Sweet little babies are so worth it, though…that’s what I keep telling myself. I’m doing this for a healthy baby. I can do this…I can.
I’m officially starting The Master Cleanse tomorrow morning. If you aren’t familiar with it then I will just say that I will not be eating any food for 10 days…yikes! Instead, I’ll be drinking a “lemonade” concoction which is water, some fresh lemon, some maple syrup and cayenne pepper. That is what my diet will consist of for the next week and a half. Why would I do something so crazy??? Well, it is supposed to be an amazing cleanse that is said to leave one full of energy and feeling great. I know the power of detoxing since I have used a liver-cleansing diet before my last 2 healthy pregnancies. I know that it does something incredible in my body to cleanse it. I really wanted to give this one a try this time, though, since it is faster and I’ve read so many great testimonials about it. I’m feeling extra yucky from all the bad foods I’ve eaten since the miscarriage. I have laughed a few times about the fact that I gained 3 pounds while pregnant and managed to gave another 5 since I lost it! Between Christmas goodies everywhere and comforting myself with food I have managed to eat in a way that I haven’t eaten in a very very long time and I feel it. Not only in extra weight but in sluggishness and brain fog. I’m looking forward to a fresh start with my system and hoping that a clean body will make the outcome of our next pregnancy (LORD willing) much better.
What a beautiful video that any couple who has endured infertility or even miscarriage can certainly relate to. Knowing that we can’t “stop the rain” for each other can hurt. I had to post it.
Okay, I have decided that one of the very hardest parts of this whole miscarriage experience has been that it is putting us back into the area of decision-making. That’s an area that I loathe being in when it comes to family size. For so many people it is just cut and dry, but because of our experiences and our values it just isn’t that easy for us. It wasn’t hard at all to decide that we wanted our first child and after having him it was only natural for us to want to add a sibling to the family. However, adding a third child was a a bit more debatable, but we still had the yearning for a possible girl baby since we already had 2 boys, so again, it wasn’t out of the ordinary to want to go for a third when we had 2 of the same gender (although, honestly, we really didn’t mind if we had another boy). We got our girl, though, and we felt at the time that after her birth that our family was complete. So, why oh why, do we keep standing in this place of decision? Why can’t we just feel like it is time to move on and watch our children grow up? I’m so happy with my family and content that we are all we need so why can’t I just get my tubes tied? Why can’t my husband go get a vasectomy? No more struggles, no more wondering, no more decision? We could start planning our future, knowing at what point diapers, potty-training, preschool, Barney and Strawberry Shortcake would be no more. We could foresee when our nest would be empty, when we could finally take that trip to Europe that we have been talking about since our college days. Why is it that we just can’t feel at peace to put an end to this season of our lives? I just don’t have an answer for that.
The hardest part about all of this is that we totally felt that God was leading us to have another baby this time around. We felt so confident in that we went ahead and ordered our Estrobalance and were waiting for my cycle to begin so that we could start it. That period never came and we conceived naturally. It was as if God was giving us an extra gift by allowing us to not even have to use the supplement and we felt even more convinced than ever that we were doing exactly what we should be and that baby #4 was totally right for us. It was such a relief to no longer have to wonder if we should have any more children…the decision was being made for us and it all seemed to make sense. We told each other that we felt more confident that baby #4 was the right thing than we did with #3 or even #2! So, why, when we felt so much peace about it and felt so sure that we were meant to have that baby did it have to end? Where does it leave us? Where do we go from here?
A few days ago, after spending so much of my time pondering all of this I decided that we had bought the Estrobalance to have another baby and we should just go ahead and use it. I just don’t believe, now, that I can carry a baby conceived without it and need it to get my estrogen-dominance in check and my hormones in just the right balance so that the embryo has the best possible chance at life. I have to admit, that back in October when we ordered it I began having second thoughts about taking it even though I know that it was the right thing for us to order it (long story that I may share later). I have always secretly struggled with the thought that by using our “formula” we have somehow forced the children that we have into this world and that maybe it wasn’t right. I’ve prayed that I would get pregnant without the aid of the supplement if I were to ever get pregnant again so that I don’t have to live with those negative thoughts which I knew would even be worse if we used it to get into the not-so-average family size of 4 children.
Well, the LORD has given me that desire twice this year but both times it has ended the same way. I realized the other day, though, that I feel much less guilty about using our supplements, now, because of the miscarriages. I realize, now, that I have a condition that requires help in order to deliver healthy children and that God gave me that answer years ago and has blessed us twice through it now and really there is no way for me to honestly believe that these 2 miracles could somehow be a mistake. When I had this lightbulb moment I decided that we should, indeed, take the Estrobalance and I felt light and happy and relieved that the answer seemed obvious. I went straight back to my husband’s office and shared all my thoughts with him and he said that he completely agreed. It felt good that we decided to try again. I felt peace.
Then last night I couldn’t sleep and lay awake for several hours. It had been a rough night with the kids. My 5 year old decided to throw a fit at 1:30am when he didn’t get his way and he woke up my 2 year old. During the time that I couldn’t sleep all I could think was that our 3 children are more than enough and we need to just do something permanent to stop procreating and move on. That’s such an easier way to go…ending the uncertainty once and for all. It sounds so good. I’ve been miserable again today.
Decisions. This one is just too tough. You know, though, now that I’m writing it all out I see clearly that trying again=hope, happiness, peace and giving up=sadness. Maybe the decision isn’t so tough. Hmmmmmm.
