What Now?
Obviously, my posts have been few and far between and I apologize for that. Problem is, that I just don’t know where to go with all of this anymore. More and more in my spirit I am going back to where I was a few posts ago after the Estrobalance made me so sick. I think He is just saying “no” and yet I let this circumstance or that one push me back into the pursuit instead of surrendering completely.
We really gave it our best shot this month. My husband wants another one (or two) and so I started out the month ready to oblige. 
We also have a vacation coming up next week that has been planned for months and wouldn’t you know it…AF is due the day we leave. That gave us even more motivation to succeed! I never could really agree with the book I spoke about in the last post. It just doesn’t line up for me. I was really rubbed the wrong way with the “ordering up” of children before conception down to what kind of eye and hair color/texture they would have as well as the sex. I just can’t see my dear LORD as a heavenly vending machine. Now, that may seem like a harsh criticism and I know that I am oversimplifying what the author stated, but that’s just how it comes across to me and makes it difficult for me to get past it. On the other hand, I have learned the art of “chewing up the meat and spitting out the bones” and I have to admit that I did feel that it spoke to me in some areas of my life and I was changed a bit by it. The month started out hopeful that with my new positive outlook that I had received through remembering that children are a gift from God and are His idea and His will and that my desires were God-given, that we were going to succeed even without the Estrobalance. It’s not looking like I did, though. Maybe I just didn’t do enough “confessing”. I don’t know.
So, I am off to the beach in a couple of days to spend a week enjoying the gifts that have already been given and putting this behind me for now. I really do have so much in my life. I don’t know why I think I need more.
September 6th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
I believe confessing it great, believing is great but ultimately its God’s perfect timing. I just keep calling forth and wait on the Lord. Have a good time, I pray you enjoy yourself immensely. It was good to hear from you. Big hugs!
September 6th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Father, how we need your grace and push to think on those things that are true, of good report, excellent, and praise worthy. Would you please in the midst of this hard time give my sister peace, hope and comfort. Your grace is so sufficient for her during this time, I ask that your peace that surpasses all understand would guard her heart and mind in Christ Jesus. I ask that you would give her rest at the beach, I pray that you would continue to help her find contentment in her sufferings
I long for the day we see him face to face and understand fully HE purposes in our trials
love you
Nicole
September 16th, 2008 at 9:03 am
Hi, My name is Holly and I just came across your website today and read your latest blog. I too am a beleiver and have suffered with infertility, miscarraige…the whole nine yards. I do have a 9 month old daughter conceived through IVF. She’s our miracle all the way! I just wanted to drop a line because of some of the things that you said. Over the seven years trying to conceive I had many very well meaning people talk to me about different aspects of what I neeed to do spiritually to open my womb. I too have heard of the book supernatural childbirth, but did not read it when it was recommended to me becasue at the time I was “over” all the advice given by as I said, well meaning people.
There is not a catch all for everyone and the whole speak it and believe it theory when it come to faith is such a trap!! God has a plan for our lives. Yes, he gives us the desires that are in our hearts and children are a gift from God and miracles do happen. They happen all the time and in his timing. But that whole train of thought can be so damaging. What does that say about the cancer patient who prays for healing, but still dies….that they did not have enough faith to be healed! Absolutley not…how terrible to put that on people. I just started an infertility support group at my church and this is one of the first things we are going to talk about. Look at Abraham and Sarah…..when she first heard that God would cause her to conceive she laughed about it…not in joy, but disbelief…you know that it was disbelief because she later when confronted about it denies it out of fear. (Genisis 18 verse 12) SHe still conceived!!!! Her lack of faith did not change God’s plan. He still fulfilled his promise. That’s why scripture says that it only takes faith of a mustard seed to move mountains…becasue God takes care of the rest!!!! Look at Romans 3:3and 4…”…what then? If some did not believe, their unbelief will not nullify the faithfulness of God, will it? May it never be!…” I completely believe in being positive and standing on God’s promises but release yourself from believing that your lack of faith somehow is causing your infertiltiy. You obviously have hope and that helps you continue to take the next step that is a sign of faith!!
Praying the right prayer, quoting the right scripture or faith in abundance cannot poof make us pregnant…only God can. There is so much that Satan can use to attack us when we are in the posisiotn of infertility that we need to be careful. My heart breaks for those who are in this place. Over the course of the seven years before we had Isabella I went through much with God and I can tell you this…it was all worth it. The best times were when I was real with him and those were usually when I was at my worst. I was not happy with the path he had chosen for me and he knew it…..ya know what….he loved me and held me close all the more…he did not scold me, or cast me out, or punish me…he met me where I was at. And when the time was right, he blessed us with Isabella through IVF.
The infertility process is hard. I am faced with now having to have a hysterectomy. It is a very hard thing to reconcile with. Once again I am faced with all those questions and feelings of the years prior to Isabella. Do we try for more…is that in God’s plan? How long do I have? Etc….
Bless you and the love of Jesus to you!!!! Don’t forget that Jesus brough the best and most important thing…GRACE and that DOES COVER ALL…even our lacks!!!!!
Holly