Does the desire for more children ever really go away? I know many moms who were absolutely 100 percent DONE after a couple of kids. Why don’t I get that feeling? Were they just saying that or were they really absolutely 100 percent sure that they did not ever want to hold another baby of their own in their arms? Where does this desire come from?

My life has taken a serious turn in the past month. My 5 year old son has been diagnosed with epilepsy and my days have been consumed with dealing with all that means. His neurologist has prescribed a standard pharmaceutical but has given us the freedom to do our own research and decide for ourselves the best route to take in order to treat it with the least amount of side effects or long term effect worries since he knows that we would like to keep him off of a drug if at all possible. It may or may not be possible. We are carefully and prayerfully weighing the pros and cons of each treatment direction. First and foremost, we want the absolute best for him. So, needless to say, the baby thoughts have been overshadowed by this new development as my focus has been on taking care of my little guy, but they haven’t gone away. In fact, my husband is now saying that he really wants another one (or two!) again and that really changes things.

Interesting enough, too, a couple of weeks ago an acquaintance of mine called me out of the blue and said that I have been on her mind and she was sending me a book in the mail. I’ve waited and waited for a book to arrive and it finally did yesterday. It’s called Supernatural Childbirth. I’ve heard of it before and, honestly, my impression was that it was kooky. I had heard that it told you how to have a pain free childbirth if only you had enough faith. Well, it does, basically, state that but it is more than that and had a lot to say about miscarriage, infertility and preconception. I’m wrestling with some ideas in it right now after reading it. It is out of the realm of the way I normally think, but I can’t say that it is wrong. The book is about having faith and really believing that our pregnancies, births and babies will be perfect because it is what God promises in His Word. Christ’s death took away the curse of sickness and pain and if we have enough faith to believe that then all will go well with us. The author lists scripture “confessions” that are to be repeated over and over until they become embedded into our hearts and minds and the book has testimony after testimony of those who have experienced miraculous pregnancies and births after applying the principals.

I don’t know if the LORD led my friend to send me the book. Even if I did embrace all that it says, I honestly don’t know if I can muster up the kind of faith that it would take. The thought of getting pregnant again without the Estrobalance seems impossible and the thought of carrying the baby to term seems impossible and those thoughts are the absolute opposite of faith, but they are so real to me. So, since I don’t know what to think I have begun praying for God to build my faith. I am like the man who said to Jesus, “Lord, I believe. Help me with my unbelief.” I can totally relate to that.

I feel like I am on the edge of a battlefield right now and I just want to run away screaming, but the reward for victory is so amazing that I can’t run away…yet I can’t quite get on the battlefield, either. Do I battle or not? What if I’m just not strong enough? The agony of defeat is just still so real.